Me & Him

This journey is so much better with him by my side.

My Word for 2012: step

The mind of a man plans his way, 

but the LORD directs his steps. 

Proverbs 16:9

Two years ago the word I claimed for the year was JOY.  If you followed long enough on this journey you know the story behind it and why it was so significant and actually started in December of 2009 after I felt joy-less when walking through the pain of choosing to let Little Guy go.  All of 2010 was about JOY.  Living in a true joyous spirit that can only come from God and not through circumstances.

Then for 2011 I claimed the word ENTRUSTED.  I had a revelation of how much God had entrusted to us with our daughter and the one that we thought was soon to follow.  PandaPop and I have a huge responsibility with the children's ministry & those little hearts at our church. What were His plans? We have been entrusted with the Holy Spirit, too.  What were we to do with all the lavish gifts with which He'd entrusted us? Many times I failed miserably in the stewardship that was entrusted to me in all areas. Many times I was victorious.  If there is anything....anything good in me that people see from this past year.....it was all God and nothing else.  He carried me through 2011.

The word for 2012 came to me yesterday sitting in church listening to my beloved pastor speak Truth from the living Word.  He spoke on taking one step.  One step.  It spurred me to think of Bob Wiley in What About Bob? which is my all-time favorite dark comedy and how he was going to make baby-steps to reach his goal of losing all his phobias. We have journeyed far along this adoption road for PandaJOY.  I did not expect to be still stuck in the foster system this long.  But we are.  We have learned so much patience in the wait. Everything being out of our control forced us to be patient, but we mostly chose to be joyful and not lamenting through the whole thing. We have taken each small step as it's come.

This year in 2012 we are continuing our baby steps for getting financially balanced.  We made huge strides and might actually see some payoffs for keeping in our budget this year.  Last year's money spent on repairing things just about did me in!!

We started last week on teeny-tiny baby-steps to get our health and physical bodies in check.  I've got so much weight to lose and even more so the emotional addiction to food that the task is just overwhelming.  Baby steps to the goal.  Each and every step counts.  Even the ones that go backwards.  Hopefully, I can learn from the backward steps and then move on.  Keep moving forward. Yes.  Keep moving forward!! I as type those words I am reminded that keep moving forward was part of our healing back in 2009! It's from Meet the Robinson's and is very much a part of our lives! I am giddy just remembering it now! Oh how it fits in perfectly with my word for the year: step.

Keep every single one of my 

steps 

moving forward!!! 

Do you have a word for the year? Have you ever had a word for the year? If not, try it and just see how many times it creeps up in your daily life and how God will use to make you better. I'd love to know your word!!!

The Four of Us

Where to start to wrap up such an interesting year!!??

First let's start with the photo of four lights.  Part of PandaPop's Christmas gifts was to get gift cards from the home improvement store....at his request.  He happily purchased these new glass domes for our living room ceiling fan and a new brushed bronze light fixture for over our dining table.  Love them both!

Next, the four lights represent the four members of the PandaFamily.  What an incredibly challenging and draining road this had been to build this family!! Must be something amazing lurking around the corner for us since the enemy has fought us every.step.of.the.way in our construction!

We still don't have any word on the legal stuff that was taking place on the 29th of this month, but we are excited to move forward and hopefully adopt this baby girl in February.  We'll see.  So many prayers have been said on behalf of her and for us.  I feel so humbled by the out-pouring of care and concern over our little team.

This past year has been filled with so many blessings and so many stressful moments.  Yesterday, I said sarcastically that the dog had aged me and then I moaned.  (Yes.....he completely wears me out, yet I do love the crazy deaf thing.) PandaGirl asked, "you mean you're getting OLDER?!!" I said, "No, aging is worse."  It was very sardonic, but true.  Aging is what brings stress lines, dull skin and a sad countenance.  Getting older can be beautiful.

I have learned a lot over the course of the year. Here are just a few:

*I can heal from decades of pain
*Living out Eucharisteo is life-changing
*Nothing, absolutely nothing is in my control
*I have to make choices to be better
*A perfect weekend with my college friends revived my soul
*Disciplining from a place of love & safety is much more effective than using fear
*Eating for comfort causes 20 lbs to pack on an already overweight body.....and no amount of food is enough
*Photography truly is my passion
*Face*book takes up way too much time, but is so fun
*I have beloved, soul-sister friends that will last a lifetime
*My man has strength that continues to blow my mind.  He was placed in my life with divine purposes.
*I have been blessed with physically gorgeous daughters who can tan!!
*I've never had a panic attack as badly as when I couldn't find my license just before having to board the plane.
*I ♥ NY
*I can totally ride the subway to Brooklyn Bridge...& sit beside a man-girl....at night.
*Central Park is more beautiful than I ever imagined.....the hot dogs are less than stellar
*To keep breathing when everything falls apart from home to vehicles
*The foster system is not for us
*Sitting in a court room with liars on the stand makes me want to scream and my insides burst out
*Waiting on the foster system, judges, caseworkers, lawyers and the like is one of my least favorite things on the planet
*Not having a consistent time with God only leaves me empty, longing and miserable
*I'm truly addicted to music.  It's my escape.
*I love the beauty around me that God so graciously lavishes and I clap for God's handiwork
*I love my church
*The numbers 11:11 have haunted me countless times in the past year. Countless!!!!!!!!!
*I knew that having my own iPhone* would make me smile
*Working from home is harder than it seems
*Having a deaf dog is a whole.lot.of.work.
*Angry birds is just a blast
*Getting a gazillion Clean*Eating magazines and books.....doesn't actually make me eat clean..I must choose it.
*I am unbelievably blessed

There's so much more, but let's end here.  I am glad to see 2011 go and for 2012 to be full, FULL of blessings and new exciting things!!! More to come later about my photography ventures that lie ahead.  I will certainly keep you up to date on PandaJoy's case as we know things.

Though I loved my 365 blog of pictures, I'm forgoing it this next year due to time constraints.  It was fun, but took way too much time on a daily basis.

My new header reflects my heart and desire with the scripture from Deut. that tells us to impress on our children the truths of God.  I intend to do just that.  Been kinda lacks on it this past year.  Must do better. Thanks for hanging around for another year of Pandaleidscope!!

Happy New Year, friends!!!

Scurrying Like Mice!

So very much TO DO this week!!!!!!!!!!!! Can easily get crazy and forget all about Jesus, but I'm praying not to.  I don't want to skip over the mysterious way He came to us and how He daily saves me from myself.  Be a blessing to someone this Christmas Week. Remember to be loving and kind. Stop to breathe every now & then and focus on why we even celebrate!! I'll try to post again before Christmas, but with so much to do......I might miss it.  Just in case: Merry Christmas, friends!

The Fast & the Friendly

Whew! What a whirlwind of this month of December!! Christmas is just a few short days away! 2012 is looming right around the corner and I can't even believe this year is almost done and over.  Crazy fast, but at the same time.....mind-numbingly slow! Depends on what perspective I'm taking on any given day.

This week was filled with lots of prayers from loved ones, friends and sometimes just mere acquaintances who've held us up to the Lord in hopes of hearing something wonderful about PandaJoy's case.  Wednesday was the day that three judges read the appeal and determined that they would uphold the decision made back in May of this year to terminate the birth father's rights of PJ.

One catch, though.

Isn't there always a catch with us?  So seems like it.

We have to wait until December 29 because some blah, blah, blah happened back in the summer and it's a legal thing that gives the birth father ONE.MORE.WAY to delay this adoption.  He can't change the decision that was upheld, but he can make us keep waiting.  Crazy, crazy system. Crazy.

Meanwhile in the real world where we are raising the child in question, life is moving so quickly through all the hustle & bustle of the Christmas season. Yes, I totally said hustle & bustle.  That's exactly the right wording for it. Every day is filled with a huge to do list and lots of it has nothing to do with Christmas.

We've made a point to really show the girls that Christmas really, really is about Jesus and all the other fluff & stuff is just that.....superfluous.

This Sunday our little foursome gets to light the advent candle, PandaPop talks a minute or two about the way to be social with our faith in the Christmas season and I'm reading a Scripture from the Holy Bible.  Not the kind of social that's just more of that fluff & stuff, but really meeting people eye-to-eye at the check-out line and making a real live person contact.  Real people stuff. Jesus was like that.  He liked for people to know he cared and that they mattered.

Stop and talk to someone who is clearly working diligently through the madness of the commercial side of Christmas.  BE Jesus to them even in a small moment.  God sees you doing it no matter how the other person reacts.  Be friendly and alert and aware and observant and present. Be Jesus for someone who needs him.

Whew!!! Our internet has been out for three days and I feel like I'm LOST FROM THE WORLD!! I cannot believe HOW attached I am to cyberspace!  We found ourselves going crazy from not being able to just clickety-click our way to any answer we wanted.  No checking or updating Face**Book. No checking emails.  No running in really fast to check an actor's bio from a movie....which we frequently do in the middle of a movie or just after it's done.

I had to take my iMac to PP's office just so I could work on some photo editing and get the pics online for clients. AHH!!! I'd have no photography business if not for the internet!  We are so used to checking the weather, getting news, reading emails several times a day, popping on and off blogs, sites, ebay*, Pinterest*, our adoption agency info.....just endless things we do.....on-line.

How attached are you?  How long can you go without having to just check something online?  It is what it is and this is our world. Hmph.

Hi, my name is PandaMom and I'm addicted to the internet.

I'll be back later with more to tell and more updates on the 365 pics. I've almost made the whole YEAR in pictures! That has been a blast.  Time consuming, but oh so worth it.

Have a great Friday!

Eucharisteo---Thankful in All Things

I started reading One Thousand Gifts* by Ann Voskamp* last week and was so moved by her poetic writing.  This book has been out for a year or so, but just made it's way to my knowledge through several different ways in the past couple of weeks.  It's a must read.  It is purposefully making sure we thank God for ALL the things in our life.  All.

I took lots of photos of random things around PandaPop's parents' land.  They just moved into their stunning new home they had built this summer on their retirement land.  Three acres covered in a canopy of trees. It's so beautiful to be in the woods!! Seeing groups of leaves float down from the trees in a feather-like fall just stirs my soul!!!

We have been under a burn ban for the entire summer, but it rained a couple of days allowing the ban to be lifted, trash & brush to be burned (this is common out in the country!!) and making trekking through the area very muddy.  Our cutie-patootie boots came in very handy.

Remember back in the summer when PP started his collection of root beer bottles?  Well, he now has TWENTY different bottles in his man cave.  It's been fun to have taste tests of all the flavors that have come through our door.

PP has two helpers for his task of dwindling down the brush waiting to be burned.  The burn ban was lifted that very morning and there was a TON of brush to be burned.  Took him the entire day, but he loved every second of it.....gives him a sense of accomplishment when seeing things happen since in ministry he doesn't always get to see the result of his hard work. The little one was especially in awe since this was her first time to experience such a sight!

The next door neighbors have this emu that continually checks us out on the other side of the fence line making low drum beat sounds down in his (her??) chest.  Quite an eery sound.

Love the capture of this pic!! I can even see the heat waves!

See....this is just a smidgen of the mud we tracked around. Made us feel so earthy.

This girl was amazing in her big sister role this week.  Both girls were so great and an actual delight to be around!  They are growing and really learning how to be sisters.  We are STILL waiting on the appeal process to finish for PandaJOY, but in the meantime we live life like a family of four.

While on a mini walk through the woods I found the perfect walking stick.  I grew up in the country and it was just something we did to go walking forever through the woods and fields that my family all owned.  We go to my grandma's for lunch then anxiously beg to go "the walk". My aunt would always have a fabulous natural walking stick and tell crazy stories while me and my many cousins tagged along dodging cow piles (that's manure, for you city folk!) and keeping a watchful eye out for rattlesnakes.  Some of my most favorite memories of my childhood stem from these walks.

When I found my walking stick I brought it back to PandaPop for whittling and oiling, but alas......I broke the darn thing when playing around with it.  Stupid stick.  Must not have been walking stick worthy to have broken so easily.  Now I just have to find a new one. Smile.

Raise your hand if you love pumpkin pie!!

I think I've watched the Thanksgiving Day Parades (or just had on in the background) every year of my life! PP makes fun of it because it's really just one big gig for showing off Broadway shows and not much of a parade.  I think he's on to 'em.

Lovely fountain making a soothing dreamy sound in the back yard. I love seeing the sun come through the water.  In order to get this pic I had to stand on big rocks in my house shoes while getting splashed with water, but it was worth it for the shot.

Well, whadayaknow? These two CAN get along!

On over at the other grandparents' home who also live in the glorious country....they have neighbors with donkeys, goats and geese.  As soon as the entire crew heard us calling from across the tank (large manmade pond) they all started making their way to the fence. Felt like I was watching the nativity donkey embark on his journey.

The girls delighted in feeding all six (I think there were six) donkeys leaves from a tree and the recipients were just as happy to have something offered other than feed.

We spent some time out with the girls watching them get a bit of the natural world under their belt then went inside.  No sooner had the adults gotten settled doing something, but to see the Little Bitty come inside with huge tears saying the donkey bit her finger.  We took a look and saw that, sure enough, there were teeth indentions, but no broken skin.  Then PG told us that she was scared because another donkey bit her pinky and wouldn't let go! When we realized that they were both OK...we were cracking up with laughter!!!! I think it just sounds so funny to say that both our girls were bitten by donkeys!

No matter how long or short of a time we put PandaDoggie in the doggie hotel....he comes home utterly exhausted.  This is how I found him just an hour of being home.....completely out of it on the couch in the garage (or better known as The Man Cave). Poor baby.

We attempted to take some family photos while out on the land.  I had all our outfits coordinated, but of course, we couldn't get everyone to smile or look at the camera at the same time.  Crazy that we couldn't do it with only four people, but then again one is a three year old the photographer wasn't a pro.  We take what we can get and are happy to have what we have!  It's hard for me to be on the other side of the camera when I know much better how to work the thing and boss people around for their shoots yet can't even get a great pic of my own family! lol!! PandaPop took this one of me and my father-in-law took the one of us below.  I think he did pretty well!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are blessed beyond measure.  We have to find the way to give thanks in ALL things! Read Psalm 100 for a great start on how to praise God for all that he has done for us. Blessings!

Hey....Funderstorm...I didn't put the Pandaleidoscope Pics on the last two pics so you could click & drag. Love you!!

To Be Thankful

PandaPop surprised us three girls with beautiful roses yesterday morning as we entered the rainbow hallway as we do every Sunday morning.  We go in with our freshly made coffees from the downstairs atrium coffee bar and head on down that colorful hall to find Daddy who's been at church since 7:00am. It's our weekly ritual and we love it.  Yesterday was a special celebration for us and the start of a new tradition.

We do adore a good tradition around here.  Makes me feel close-knit and special.  Something to always look forward to, I guess.

November 20 is the day I met my Beloved PandaPop TWENTY YEARS ago!! It is also the first time we saw PandaGirl's breath-taking face on our email that said she was ours and to come get her.  November 20 was also the very day that our precious PandaJOY came into the care of my dear friend who was her foster mother for 15 months.

Do you see that luscious, glowing skin I have on my cheek and nose?  Yeah, me too.  I think I remember that feeling.  Age takes that away. Stress eats it away one wince at a time.  PP has always been so deeply moved by the joy of us getting older together.  I see wrinkles and inevitable aging.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not so shallow as to overlook the fabulous gift of my precious husband and having lived life together.  I just hate that we have no choice, but to lose our physical youth and have nasty wrinkly skin to look forward to no matter how much fancy lotion we apply. Bleh.

By the grace of God alone, we have a great marriage.  We are best friends.  We laugh so much together, play, talk, cry, pray, grieve, long, plan, pursue, love, gripe, cook, read, eat, sit, make fun of, ponder, listen.  All of it.  We do life together.  What a gift.  A rare gift, indeed.

November 20th is a special day in the life of our PandaFamily.  We call it Team "Panda" Day (insert our last name in place of Panda).  These are the moments to hold closely to my heart.

Everyday battles still ensue, but there are moments every single day that are worth stopping for and boasting in the Lord that He alone is good and worthy of our praise.  He IS the giver of all good gifts.  James tells us that.

Late last night I spent some carefree moments in the company of three other women who "get" the whole Twilight* Saga.

Saga.

That cracks me up.

So serious.

I've read the books and have seen the movies.  Fun escapism.

I don't drink blood and realize the Bible prohibits it. Whew.  I'm not a werewolf either, but I do love me some Jacob*Black.  He's so warm. (Wild & Precious....that was just for you.)  I like Edward*Cullen, too. So noble is he. Bella* gets on my nerves.  Fun times!!

This book.  This book is moving.  It is real and not escapism in any form.  It is facing head-on the realities of this dank, dark horrible life we have to live through to get to heaven, but doing it in a state of thankfulness.  That thankfulness is the turning point of our perspective.  Once truly thankful for everything....the good and the bad.....we are freed to live......freely, peacefully.

Once we accept Jesus as our Savior and Lord....we are free.  Galatians 5:1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." I have been a person who thanks God for most everything.  Even the tiniest of details doesn't escape me.  I give credit where it's due: God.  Check out my sidebar blurb that I've had up FOREVER....it says that I like the small details in life.  I do.

I love cheering for God and the gifts He gives.  I also lose my perspective sometimes and this very poignant, extremely beautiful poetic book is blessing my heart deeply.  I am changed because of its words.  Ann Voskamp*s writing is a true breath of fresh air.  Go buy it today.

And what exactly is this, you ask? Why the pretty pictures and then end with a white dog speckled with pink spots?  

Well this is what happens with the girls are off from school and PG puts bright red lipstick on PJs mouth getting very much outside the lines and then PJ decides to KISS PandaDoggie.

It went in my thankful journal.

Prepping for Thanksgiving

Busting at the seams with gratitude.

That's how I want to feel tomorrow.

Tomorrow holds yet another biological visit with PandaJoy's birth mother.

For reasons yet unseen, maybe never seen, we continue this charade.

My daughter doesn't understand why she has to be left in the muraled room with cast off toys for an eternity to play with another grown-up who calls her "mommy".

Maybe that's just my own interpretation of the visit, but I do know that confusion will assuredly set in tomorrow as we pack up to head down the crowed highway an hour and a half one way to walk into the very bleak, very beige, very long hallway to fulfill the state required biological visit in the tiny room for an hour.  Minus me.

This whole reality of ours does nothing of benefit for my daughter. It only sets to delay her healing.

It challenges my own motherhood.

However, today I bought a book.  One that is seemingly popular right now and has made it's presence known to me through several veins this week alone.  I thought it worthy of purchasing.  Clearly, it was a perfect buy.

I'll share it with you when I'm done.

I am so thankful for this gut-wrenching process we are living out with our PandaJoy.  She is truly worth the pain, struggle, confusion and unending wait.  Being thankful for all of those things will make the completion that much sweeter.

Around These Here Parts

PandaKitty has a psychosis. He has had it for as long as we've had him which is about 5 years now.   No matter how full his food bowl is he comes to find one of us and yells at us trying desperately to lure us into the kitchen to put food in his bowl.  I end up having to tap-tap his food bowl so he hears the kibbles & bits rattle around and all of a sudden he thinks I put new food in the bowl.  Doesn't matter if he SAW me put the food in the bowl......1/2 hour later he comes a-yellin' for more food. I know, crazy.

PandaDoggie is sitting on the back of our couch.  Yep.  That's a way to welcome guests to our home.  "The children can't walk on the couch, but the dog can. Help yourself up on the perch, too if you wish." Also, Mr. Deafy didn't seem to hear we had a time change on Saturday so he's been perky, wide awake and raring to go at 5:00 am every day since. He is precious, though.....if you can stand his high maintenance lifestyle.


The collage below is a tiny peek at the preteen retreat that PandaPop and I put together for our 5th & 6th graders at church. FUN TIMES!!!!  Do see PandaJOY hula-hooping?!!!!!! What three year old can do THAT?! That little bitty toot was cracking us up with the shakity-shake of her booty and hips until she actually GOT IT! PandaGirl mastered her feat of hula-hooping while reading.  Love these precious gifts of mine!!! (They still drive me absolutely crazy on a daily basis, but that's what make parenting fun, right? Smile. )