The Light Gets Brighter

With each passing year I wonder 'how have the years added up so quickly?'. PandaPop and I are celebrating twenty-one years of marriage today.

How blessed we are.

How incredibly blessed I am.

Our meeting and engagement was 100% God orchestrated. Neither of us could have planned it the way it all panned out. I've blogged so long that I have forgotten if I've written out the story of how it all came about back in the fall of 1991.

At the perky age of  21 that I'd just turned in September, I was in my junior year at Baylor University having finished my first two college years at our local community college when my cousin who was in 8th grade told me about her youth pastor saying that I should meet him. He happened to be the part-time guy at a tiny country church where I had previously attended for a few years and the place I met Jesus when I was eleven and was dunked in the waters. She was also playing match-maker by telling her youth pastor that he should meet her cousin. This went on for about a month or so with both the youth pastor and I telling my cousin the time wasn't right and not interested.

Around mid-November she asked permission to show him a photo of me. I reluctantly gave in out of curiosity. My past was painted with brushstrokes from a previous two year relationship and a few other dating attempts that had me leery of getting involved with anyone else for awhile even though I really couldn't wait to be married.

If memory serves me correctly, the next week I was attending the funeral of a distant older cousin of mine. After the funeral we were eating at our church with our family which included the mother of my 8th grade match-making cousin, my aunt. It happened to be a late Wednesday afternoon. My aunt would soon be headed to the other church to pick up my cousin from the youth group activities that evening. Thinking I would be nonchalant, I graciously "offered" to go with my aunt to pick up my cousin thereby allowing myself to get a peek at this youth pastor guy without actually disclosing my identity. I thought it was only fair since this guy had seen my picture, but I had no idea what he looked like.  For Pete's sake.....I didn't want to go out with an ugly guy. Admit it, ugly guy with a stellar personality who could be fabulously wealthy would still be an ugly guy.  I wanted to know if he was cute!

My aunt was all for it. We hopped in the well-known-around-the-community red Suburban of my aunt and headed to "pick up my cousin". That was my story and I was sticking to it. We pull into the parking lot making our way back to the youth building when all of a sudden a hoard of teenagers come running out to the Suburban surrounding the windows with huge smiles and giggles. I'm wondering what the heck is going on while my aunt is giggling, too.  As her window is down I hear from my aunt's side of the red bus several teens saying, "she's here! she's here!!!!" I'm dying. Up to my passenger window strolls the youth pastor donning a baseball cap and a nervous smile. I push down the little button to roll down the window where my whole life changed.

The youth pastor and I meet.

We exchange names and some sort of nice surface words. I didn't even re-do my make-up or hair from the funeral earlier that day. The youth pastor claims that I looked like I'd been crying, but that cannot be true since I didn't know the older cousin who'd passed very well so crying wouldn't have been part of the day. What did happen, however was that in trying to wrap up an awkward first time meet-up the youth pastor fumbles in his pocket for his business card, passes it through the open window to me to take hold of and says, "you can call me and maybe we can get lunch or something."

Uh-----No. You can call me, youth pastor.

Cute youth pastor.

I really like your gorgeous smile, youth pastor.

I'm thinking I like your stature, too, youth pastor.

Oooo, I hope you call me, youth pastor.

Long story short:

The youth pastor was intrigued with me as well, but due to his past experience of a relationship where his girl he'd dated off & on was just about to get super serious with her after Christmas in 1990 when she was killed in a car accident December 21. Devastated him. That's the main reason he had no interest in meeting anyone when my cousin was trying back in October to get us to meet. He told God that if he wanted him to pursue me then he (God) would have to put my phone number in his hand. Lo and behold, the next day my cousin went to the church to see the youth pastor only the door was locked on the little country church causing her to go knock on his office window. He opens the window to greet her where she proceeded to place a slip of paper printed with my phone number on it in his hand.

Yeah. I know.

The youth pastor called me that Thursday night. We talked for six hours straight. He asked me out for that Saturday.

I said yes, for as long as we both shall live. (lol....not really. That's one of our favorite lines from You've Got Mail when Tom Hanks' character says that to Meg Ryan's character).  After our long and easy conversation we both knew that there would be more than one date.

We went to see Disney's Beauty and the Beast at the movies then to Wendy's for a burger and fries. The six months prior to meeting I had been working out consistently at the gym 4-5 days a week and had given up Dr. Pepper for a year. I knew I looked good and felt great. That night I drank a Dr. P as well as my gym contract was up. Dang this guy! There went my no soda phase. (I'm trying to remember everything correctly and as I think of the Dr. P I'm wondering how accurate it is because Wendy's always offered Mr. Pibb in place of Dr. Pepper which is so not even close to the same taste. Hmmm. Irrelevant.)

I dipped my french fry into his ketchup.

On the first date.

He was astounded.

I was hooked.

After that night which did include a wonderful kiss under a gorgeous autumn moon out in the country under the stars, we went out pretty much every night sans a few days at Christmas until he asked me to marry him on January 23, 1992.

Calculate that math on the calendar.

Two months.

TWO MONTHS later he surprised me with a proposal and we got hitched seven months after that. If either of my daughters come to me saying they are getting engaged to a guy after only meeting two months prior? There may be some serious double-standards going on. Our story makes sense to us because of how we saw God's hand all the way through it.

Don't glamorize us, though. Please. Once we got engaged all hell broke loose in other areas of our lives and I was miserable. He was miserable. We were fabulous together. Outside forces made things hellish. That is a long story that would ruin the beauty of all the words above so I'll stop here.

We are best friends. I could not have asked God for a better man to be my husband. He so knew who I needed better than I did. I just couldn't have thought up all the ways I have needed him. No doubt in my mind that God orchestrated our meeting and marriage. I have failed on so many levels and am so thankful for true unconditional love from God and from my husband. Twenty one years is a long time to share an intimate life with another person. Of course, there have been ugly hard moments. There have been countless wonderful ones. The good ones far outweigh the bad.

In ways I didn't even know existed back at age 21, God has used my husband to truly help me see the light....

The Tiny Details

This poor little cicada met his Maker the other day in PandaJoy's kiddie pool in the backyard. Not sure how long his (or her, I guess) life lasted. All I know is that PJ would not share her pool with him so he had to go.

Texas heat can be scorching in the summer. The past two summers left us wanting to move to Alaska with most temps resting around 105-114 degrees. Fahrenheit. That's the kind of hot that makes your eyelids burn a little when you blink upon stepping outside. There is no use for make-up of any kind since that kind of heat instantly melts it off your skin. Sitting on a leather seat in a pair of shorts in a vehicle that's been locked up for a bit...even with cracked windows...is sure to burn the back of your thighs bad enough for a skin graph. Then just try touching the steering wheel. Might as well stick your fingers right on the bacon in a frying pan to hold it down. 'Bout the same.

That was for two summers in a row. 

This year has been relatively mild in comparison with us only logging a few days just over 100 degrees. We've even had several rainy days. Glory. Our church camp had us wearing rain boots and toting umbrellas for the first three days. Kept the temps down to what seemed fall-like. I took a pic with my phone of the temperature showing on the rearview mirror in the Tahoe on the way to camp the Sunday before all the campers arrived the next day and it was literally sitting at a nice and cool 67 degrees at 3:00 in the afternoon!! Even more glorious. Except for afternoon rec time when the pool was closed or the kids just opted to swim in the rain sprinkles sans any lighting, of course. Safety first.

Every year about the end of July through the end of August I always swear that I want to move from Texas to somewhere else. This is my 42nd summer here. No plans to move yet. I still love Texas. Maybe because it's all I've ever known. I've traveled here and there, but this is home. Hot summers and all.

There hasn't been a summer that has passed that I haven't seen a dead cicada or locust or grasshopper or beetle or june bug just like the one in the pic laying somewhere on the ground, feet up, no movement left. When I picked up this particular little guy I was intrigued by the attention to detail on his wings. It made me think of how intricately he was formed and how God made him.

God made every single detail of that cicada.

How?

I have NO idea.

When I start thinking about how God chose to do things or make things or allow things to happen in this world my brain starts to hurt. I get all wonky trying to figure out how dinosaurs really fit into the mix. I think about all the different skin colors and facial distinctions between races. My mind gets super-blown when thinking about infinite space, planets, stars, galaxies, etc. Then when I contemplate how everything in my body works and how our thumbprints are all unique (how He did THAT one is just beyond comprehension) I just sit dumbfounded.

When I'm driving down the highway and happen to look up at a billboard at some word at the exact same time as someone on the radio is saying that very word. Or having learned a new word then SEEING it the very same day in a bizarre random way. Makes my head hurt.

Don't even get me started on my 11:11 occurrences. Nuh-uh. I could have a whole different post about that. Googling it made me wonder why in the world I have my own set of stories about it when it seems that the New Age people have a stake in it. Weird. Made me think outside my bubble.

Anyone who knows me in real life and has seen me not be able to handle something because of how random it is can vouch that I'm telling the truth. I have been known to fall off my chair, lay down on the floor, fling my arms aimlessly around in awe and maybe a few other over-the-top reactions when my brain cannot handle the random incident. Things that appear to be coincidences such as seeing a person I haven't seen in years, but just had a random dream about them the night before seeing them in person. Crossing paths with someone one day then having them pop up unexpectedly shortly after that in a completely different way. Or someone you knew in 2nd grade is somehow fb friends with someone you know currently that lives on the other side of the world....and you see you are mutual friends. (one of my college BFFs had a guy comment on her page and it popped up that he was friends with my BROTHER---none of us live anywhere near each other!!) So random. So detailed.

Here's what really makes me freak: deja vu. I don't even know how to get the little marking above the e, j, a and u on here much less how it works. PandaGirl and I were talking about it just yesterday. She's experienced it already so I was telling her how it sizzles my brain cells trying to figure it out. I love the music artist Chris Rice. His lyrical tales are fabulous. He has one song called Questions for Heaven where he wants to ask God some things once in heaven and one of those is "and what about deja vu?". Like he's saying, "What's up with that, God?".  My sentiments exactly. Probably won't matter an inkling once we're there, but man I'd love to know what the heck it is and what its purpose is. I'm thinking it's God's sense of humor. I am aware scientists or psychologists think they have it figured out with some kind of brain glitch, but then I'm not a robot so that theory holds no merit with me. It has to be more detailed than that.

Mentioning a glitch leads my train of thought to computers. Talk about detail!! Only how is it even possible that all the teeny tiny details of pixels and computers' abilities for details are solely based on zeros and ones?

0011000000010001000000111000111.......<<<<< I just wrote the Declaration of Independence right there. In ones and zeros. I don't think I can buy that logic for one binary minute.

One more thing that bakes my noodle: dreams.

I mean, really. What in the world happens during REM sleep that can stir up such musings? Everyone dreams differently, I'm sure, but we can all attest to the weirdness of them, right? One dream will be about something from the day before and make some sort of sense while another can be made up of ethereal, surreal, bizarre, non-sensical images and happenings. At least in mine. Dreaming of someone from my past that hasn't entered my mind in many many years? Stressful dreams that twist a bit of truth into something that just makes no sense at all? Exhilarating dreams that you don't want to end? Flying dreams? Terrifying dreams where you are screaming but no sound comes out?

Oh. Oh-oh-oh.....here ya go.......re-occurring dreams.
Yeah.
That one.
Oh my word.
Those are w-e-i-r-d.

Maybe I'm revealing too much about my dreams. Never mind.

Well, whatever dreams' purpose are whether we ever find out or not it can be said they are detailed.

Should I mention how thinking of angels and demons in the spiritual realm constantly duking it out over me totally freaks me out, but in a good way? Nah. I won't even go there.

Wow. I chased a rabbit. One thought leads to another.

The details. I am so astounded as to how God has painstakingly paid attention to the minute details of me. Me. He knows me better than I know myself.

Maybe with the same precision that he made that cicada's wings he orchestrated how our two daughters would come to us. That took some serious attention to details in many people's lives in order to make those two adoptions happen.

Countless details every single nano-second. Intricacies we never see happen all around us. We are so mindless to how important these details matter in who we each are.

When I get to the places where I doubt God I must remind myself of the details woven together that make up who I am. They just cannot be random. Cannot be. When my experiences cause me to feel ignored by God, forgotten by him, tricked by him, left out from his great plan, betrayed by him.....I have to trust his Word to be true and his attention to the details of who I am and what roads lie before me is for my benefit. God loves me. He detailed every single piece of me. The seen and unseen.

So really, the details of Mr. Cicada's wings and the very core of who I am aren't really all that different. Neither had anything to do with it's own creation yet every detail is precisely how its designed to be.

Ending with this detail from Romans 8:28 brings me great satisfaction and peace......

And we know that in all things God works 

for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose.

The Cringe I Feel When I Bring It On Home

The girls and I were about to approach the Tahoe in the library parking lot. We'd just spent a good hour or so doing our thing inside the children's wing of the library. It rained while we were inside. No, it poured buckets of rain while we were inside. There was a ginormous deep water puddle blocking part of the way to our vehicle. Two feet to the left and we'd keep our feet dry. 

I'm the kind of mom that loves spontaneity. I have pictures (of course!) of both my girls playing outside in a summer rainfall. I don't care if PandaJoy's feet get wet while wearing her flip flops. Really no big deal. What I have a problem with is when I tell her quite articulately to not walk through the water, but rather..........walk around the water, yet she decides to do her own thing. My words and example were loud and clear. 

I watched as she put one yellow flip flop in front of the other and proceeded like Moses straight through the Red Sea. His feet were dry as I recall my Old Testament Bible story. Hers were wet. 

With a stunned look on my face, I'm sure.....I bent down to her eye-level and said, "Did you hear my words? Did you just hear what I said about the water and not walking through it?" 

Her big brown-eyed response, "Yes."

"You heard me say, 'don't walk through the water', but you did it anyway?"

"Yes."

"Why? Why would you walk through the water if you heard me say to not do it?"

"Because it looked fun," said the sometimes honest little girl.

Oh. Well in that case, please keep walking. Go back and do it again. This time JUMP up and down and give me your little middle finger at the same time.

Countless times with this little bitty girl have I almost instantaneously closed my eyes, turn my head to the side and felt my insides cringe as the disciplinary (sometimes said sarcastically in disbelief and frustration) words were released from my mouth. Parenting is a direct reflection of our relationship with our Maker. God. God made us. 

Some people I know differ with me on how we were created or what kind of God/god we serve or the manner in which we return to the Maker.  That is a completely different post all together. For the purposes of this post I'm sticking with God being my loving heavenly Father who really does want the best for me, his child. 

PandaGirl has afforded a few moments in time where I reflected inwardly on my own depravity and how childlike I am when wanting my way instead of God's.  PandaJoy on the other hand has brought me to my knees in tears while I look straight into a bright crystal clear mirror reflecting parts of me that I didn't even know could exist. None of it is her fault, per se. She is just the conch shell that God has used to let me hear his voice over and over........and over again. I knew I should have been writing down the words that fell from my lips every time I spoke them to PandaJoy because there have been so many and they each have been profound when I hear them from God to me and not just from me to her.

I do not even want to revisit the many times I have clearly heard God's instruction which he articulately conveyed to me but I continued on my own will, did it anyway.......because it looked fun. Fun. Fun that was indeed self-satisfying. Fun that was a rush. Fun that could destroy me from the inside out. Fun that lasts only a moment then is not fun anymore.  The fun is no longer enticing. The fun is blurry, twisted and ugly. What once made my eyes sparkle, my blood pump faster and promised a pay-off then turns on itself in acidic decay eating me along with it. 

But it was so fun. 

It was so........fun.

I'm sure PandaJoy thought the lure of that water puddle looked fun. She heard my words of instruction. She knows my voice. She knows I love her with all my heart. I am out for her good. I direct her paths that will benefit her. My perspective is beyond her comprehension so she has to trust that I know more than her and that I give her direction for a greater purpose. Purpose she cannot even fathom at age five. 

I'm sure PandaMom thought the lure of that [water puddle] looked fun. She heard My words of instruction. She knows My voice. She knows I love her with all my heart. I am out for her good. I direct her paths that will benefit her. My perspective is beyond her comprehension so she has to trust that I know more than her and that I give her direction for a greater purpose. Purpose she cannot even fathom at age forty-two.

Romans 7 from the Bible describes this wretched tug-o-war we battle from Paul's perspective. This pic is from the pages of my Bible. Words so very accurate. 

How I wish I had a list of all the things I've said to PandaJoy that have made me cringe. The beauty in it all is that God my Maker is always for me and not against me. He instructs and disciplines me for my good. 

I can ignore him and have the free will to do my own thing, because...... it may be fun.  

I can listen and have the free will to do what he says. Because ultimately with him....it's sure to be fun.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Tears

Where in the world do I begin typing words to relay the depth of what's happened to me, around me, because of me and within me?

It almost seems impossible.

Overwhelming amounts of posts are bubbling around in my brain just percolating beneath a thin surface of what little decorum I have left. I have always been so careful as to what I write in my blog posts because my husband's career as a minister in a Southern Baptist church hovers over my hands and keyboard reminding me that one faulty, misunderstood or non-appreciated sentence could greatly change the course of our life. I've been blogging since about 2005, I think (not enough time to even look that up at the moment) and have found satisfaction in doing so. It's been fun and therapeutic.

Taking a year break from here was completely unintentional. No plan was made that I would stop writing or posting photos. One day led to the next with no motivation to post. An attempt was made at the beginning of the year to update the header, but still my fingers were not able to type.

Oh my mind was full of the words that were screaming in my ears.

The barriers within held them at bay.

Even now as I type and I have so much to say I am wondering just how much will actually be put in digitized print. Only a tiny handful of people know bits and pieces of the off-course jagged journey I have traveled over the last twelve months. As with any person's story, only THAT person knows the entire walk. Some things never to be shared. Exposed. Known.

It's our very own personal stories that make up who we are.

I've said before how I would love to have the unlimited and uninterrupted time to sit with each of you.....and hear your story. What makes you, you? Why do you act the way you do? Why do you REact the way you do? How have you come so far from such a terrible beginning? How have you messed up in life when everything started out so easy for you? Do you love God? Do you hate God? Do you know who you are? Are you holding something inside of you that would curl the toes of even your dearest friends if they ever found out about whatever that thing is? Do you love your life or secretly hate it? Are you willing to admit that life sucks, then you die? Are you filled with unexplainable joy and want to share it with everyone with whom you come in contact? What secrets do you have buried way.down.deep.? What gets in your gut and makes you want to throw up at the mere thought of it? What is it that truly makes you feel peaceful? What makes you smile.....and mean it?

My gosh, I'd love to sit down with you and ask these questions over a cup of whatever tickles my fancy at the moment and buy yours for you just to get a kick out of watching you giggle and roll your eyes that I insist on buying it.

I am looking forward to getting back to my love of blogging. I have missed it, but the break has been very nice. Between Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, Blogs, emails, daily texting, working out, listening to music, photography, raising two girls, being a wife, taking care of two pets, friends, life happenings, blah, blah, blah.......I have a lot to say and little time to do it. Please, please come back for more. I am so excited to get rolling again. Have dialogue as much as the web will allow. Speak about things near and dear to me. Connect with people.

I have made several great cyber friends over the years and it all started with this blog. My very first cyber "friend" was Jennifer Olsen from New York. I thought I was so worldly and techy because I was on the web and talked to someone so far from Texas. Now because of the interwebs.....I have made "friends" with MANY people whom I would never have known existed without first getting started through this little blog.

I have zero desire to be a DIY blogger or one who needs or wants any sponsors or advertising or anything fancy. I just want to share my photos, my life's ups & downs and my two cents in this great big world.

The photo collage above really is worth 1000 tears. Or many more. I've lost countless tears in the past year. Though extremely painful, I am at a place to say that I am thankful for every single one of them. It is who I am now that matters. God is personal. His attention to detail is uncanny.

What keeps Him around me is an enigma.

I don't get it. I don't get how He WANTS to see me at my best even when I ignore Him.

Or point my finger right at Him as I say, "YOU allowed this. YOU tricked me. YOU betrayed me." Then He still wants me. For His own. Literally blows my mind.

Check often.

I have a lot to say.

It's great to be back!!!

I Do Believe She's Edible

She Warms My Heart

Ushering in Summer

As I scroll through the countless photos on *Pinterest* I find that there are so many thoughts, ideas, creations and motivations that have never even considered crossing my mind. I do love that website. I have already done several of the things that I've pinned onto my virtual cork boards. 

I love it when that happens!!! I feel so accomplished. Sometimes I get that crazy old feeling of being less than someone else (or MANY someone elses) should I allow myself to compare my life choices with theirs. Honestly, how can anyone be so put together that they craft daily, cook fabulous meals daily, reconstruct some massive project in their home on a consistent basis, take phenomenal photos of it all, then blog about it? Whew. That's how one can start to get overwhelmed with the plethora of photo ideas on *Pinterest*. However, if I allow myself to pin things that interest me, thus the name pin-terest (get it....pin plus interest.......that's for those of you whose might have their head in the sand about world wide web goings-on and know nothing of which I speak) then I find that I do adore my little virtual cork boards that I've filled with lovely photos and ideas of things I hope to do someday.  Then there are the things that just make me laugh on there and I pin it just because I can.

The darling little s'more teacher gift packs above came from that virtual picking place. I saw it a few months ago and knew that with five teachers for which to bless and say thank you for a year well done with my girls at school that I would be using this great idea. The one I saw and pinned was tied up with a cute chunky green ribbon with white polka dots. I opted for white tulle because I already had it. Here's hoping that the recipients of these packs will enjoy the moment they open up each package and make sweet summer memories with her loved ones while making a s'more over an open flame. 

Thank you, *Pinterest*. 

The beginning days of last summer had me begging for my next counseling appointment to hurry up and arrive. I was at one of my worst times in my life at the end of May 2011. The reality of PandaJOY coming to live with us was full-on. There was no going back to the way things were, yet there was really no sense of going forward because we knew we had a very long road of adoption through the foster system ahead of us. 

We had no idea just how very long it would end up being at the time, though. 

We had PandaGirl turning into a jealous freak kid that was very angry at having been dethroned from her 7 year princess position and was then having to play second fiddle to the newly arrived Cupcake that everyone thought was adorable. 

 I can totally see why PG would feel ousted. 

It's not like our family has come together in any normal way anyway. I mean the kid already went through her own trauma of being ripped away from all she'd ever know in China and made to adjust to her new westernized life. She watched us be excited over and over and over.......and over and over about the possibility of adopting a sibling only to have those plans thwarted for some reason or another. PandaGirl watched us be overjoyed at the prospect of getting twin baby boys from Haiti (before the hurricane hit the country) only to see that whole thing go down the drain and be completely out of our hands.  She lived through the traumatic grief of having Little Guy live with us for six treacherous days leaving all three of us with confused, stressed and broken hearts. She also has walked the mind-numbing foster system route with us.  

Adding insult to injury is the inevitable fact that she has begun to notice that she looks different than us. I mean really begun to think about it and talk about it. It breaks my heart that she thinks her eyes are too squinty and tries desperately to open them wider when taking a picture so she can look like those around her. PandaJOY has huge brown eyes. That doesn't help at all. 

PandaJOY has come so far along her jagged road as well.  The transition that she's been through has been nothing less than traumatic. I'm so proud of her, as I am PandaGirl. They both have overcome so very much in such a young life. I often ask why in the world that God allowed me to be their mom. They have such baggage and needs.......and so do I. There will be a day when I can freely write and speak of my own issues, but the time is not right. Oh how I would love to share my own story with others. My very, very close friends know. They know I'll bring it all together and one day God will use it bless others. 

Everyone has a story to tell. I've stated on here before how I wish we could all sit down over coffee and just tell our life stories. Some would be less dramatic than others while some would be so traumatic that we'd all just pass out tissues as we cried together over the brokenness experienced. 

I'm quite sure we'd all get a better understanding as to why we all act the way we do. Our yucky actions don't excuse us from being civil but there certainly are reasons why we consciously or unconsciously play out our daily lives. Just as my girls have come a very long way over the past year since the beginning of last summer.....so have I. By God's grace I have been peeling off layers of unhealthy conditioning through sound Biblical Christian counseling.  Life-changing. Just when I think I'm almost there, wherever there is, I'm triggered and realize that my battle will be for the rest of my life.

In this visually stimulating world of edited photographs and web-frenzied blogs I wish I could properly convey just how much growth has occurred in the PandaFamily home over the past year. 

Stunning growth. God-allowed growth. From the outside in I can see why He allowed these girls to be mine for a time. From the daily grind I cry out many times asking Him if he really knows what he's doing in letting me parent these two. 

Blind leading the blind.

I have been reminded repeatedly through reading the Jesus Calling devotional that God's Presence is with me continually. That fact has driven me to seek His face and do His will in my own life and in the lives of these two daughters in which he's entrusted me. 

When I focus on the truth, I am a better momma. 

Better wife. 

Better friend. 

Better daughter. 

Better mentor. 

Better Bible study teacher. 

Better photographer.

Better at everything. 

When I depend on God.

I feel empowered when I focus on truth and reality. Accept reality and live through it with the power given me by the Holy Spirit dwelling inside me. Those moments are the BEST!!! Those moments have been turning into days and that, dear friends is nothing short of miraculous!! That is why this summer is filled with hope and encouragement and laughter and craziness that brings joyful tears in place of dreadful ones.  Don't be fooled. The girls get in trouble every day, but I'm better at dealing with it. 

I am living proof of God's ability to use broken messed up pieces and make a living mosaic out of it. While it is difficult to explain when you can't see all that He's had to work through in me, you can appreciate that it has been painstaking at best then add in my little Asian broken pieces and my little Mulatto broken pieces and you'll start to see the beauty of the new Piece being crafted. 

I am.

You know......even PandaKitty is adopted through the humane society and PandaDoggie is deaf as can be with his own set of special needs.  I think PandaPop is the one who needs the most prayer out of our group!! He's been our absolute rock only because he deeply knows The Rock.

The verse that has permeated my being for the past year is 

Galatians 5:1

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. 

Do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Summer is a more care-free time of year when we can relax from tight schedules, stay up later than usual, hang out with friends, reflect on the past school year, gear up for the next, breathe a bit and enjoy the break from go-go-go. We are definitely a go-go-go kind of family, but it's different in the summer. This one has already started out better than last year's. Much better.

Summer.

(Yes. PandaDoggie is sitting....SITTING....on the back of our love seat. It's his favorite resting spot when not sitting at our feet.  I'm quite sure that grosses some of you out, but it's really the least of my concerns)

The Difference a Pill Can Make

Last Saturday evening I was a bit anxious about starting my new medication. I am not a medicine taker. I don't like them and would rather avoid them all together.

I cried.

I was worried about certain side effects like seizures. (((.....Shudder......)))

I didn't want my life to keep on the way it had been going with the jumbled thoughts and constant chaos in my mind so I knew I had to get over the fear of what taking this med might do.

Through my counseling I was able to see that I fit many, let's say MOST of the characteristics of someone with Adult ADD.....attention deficit disorder. I have joked about it for years, but have never really thought about going to the doctor for it. That always seemed.....out there. Someday.

Well, one of my texting buddies was just given the news that she was going to benefit from a medication for ADD so it made me think that if SHE, who has an immaculate house, is skinny, focused and seemingly put together has ADD then I would be out of this stratosphere with it!

On to my own doctor now. He did a third survey of questions with me and decided that we would treat ADD for a month and then move on from there to see what the best process would be for me.

After crying on Saturday night, then taking the meds on Sunday morning.......

I FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON!!!!!

Why in the WORLD was I so scared??!!  I personally think the enemy has fought me for a very long time to keep me from who I was created to be and this was just another attempt to delay me. Blah!

I have kept tabs on each day of how I physically feel, mentally feel and emotionally feel. The drug is not a mood enhancer, but by me being able to focus and DO THE WORK I need to do then I am a less frustrated person, no jumbled thoughts, no frantic crazed parenting and I see the results of my actions. I feel accomplished!!!  There is NO PHYSICAL or EMOTIONAL feeling that I feel.  My mind is just clearer. No fog and jumbles. PandaPop put it beautifully though it sounds so cliche: it's like a veil has been lifted that I've been desperately trying to see and live through all these years.  The past two years with the massive amount of stress I have experienced from several areas piling up with no end in sight has contributed to me getting completely out-of-whack where I was unable to pull myself up or out or in or whatever back into real life.

 I was falling apart!!

No---I HAD FALLEN APART.

Now, logically thinking about all of this I can now see more clearly, think better, accomplish more through the day (no bursts of energy, though), be a better parent to my girls which in turn makes for better girls, the adoption is finally coming to a completion, I have made and stood by some very hard boundaries to keep me safe, the list goes on as to circumstances getting better, BUT with the meds getting me focused than all that seems easier, too. It's a positive catch 22.

When it comes to tasks and chores I don't have an overwhelming sense of dread to do them which has normally made me just procrastinate making everything pile up.  My house is usually nice and tidy to the eye when anyone walks in the door, but it's all the little stuff and drawers and my business stuff and stuff, stuff, stuff.  The med doesn't magically motivate me to get work done, but there is no sense of dread. I just do the job and move on.  Then I feel successful and ready to do the next thing.

Oh.....this is how normal people work. Whatever normal is.

This might sound so crazy, but I have a very new sense of feeling grown up.  Anyone who knows me in real life and especially in recent years knows that my social butterfly self is ALL OVER THE PLACE when talking with people. Tigger has nothing on me though I am not hyper.  Just jumbled.

Not anymore!!!

I have no idea how long I will or can benefit from this med, but for now.....in just five days....I love it.  I have prayed every time I swallowed a pill that God would be the Healer and use the drug to make me better.  So far so good.  I just don't want any seizures.

A little extra fun: PP so badly wants one of the side effects to be involuntary nudism.  Of course he would.

We Got a Date!!!

The lawyer called today and finally gave us an adoption date for PandaJOY!!! It is in May but I am not giving out the date for safety purposes. You just never know with this crazy world wide web.

Tonight we thought it was most appropriate to celebrate with dinner at The Cotton*Patch Cafe.

Quack, Quack

The past couple of months that I was not blogging had me texting instead. My three best friends from college and I have become addicted to our i**Phones, Emoji*Icons and each other.

On a daily basis we text.

Not just about important things, but about random things. Unimportant things. Girly things. Naughty things. Funny things. Life changing things. Spiritual things. Shopping things. Sad things. Pictures of things. Life things.

I am addicted!!

We don't really go at it as much on the weekends but during the week we have found a rhythm that works for us. Most of the time. This past week we got a little wonky and had to say WHOA, then laugh at ourselves once we realized that one of us (not me, thank goodness!!!) was PMSing pretty badly and shouldn't have been talking to ANYone much less texting when inflection and tone can easily be misunderstood on a good day much less one where a girl's emotional state can turn faster than Texas mosquito can suck your blood.

We told her to chill. Nicely.

I have been blessed with great friendships. I've said that on here before and I certainly do not mean to brag or boast in myself about that.  Each place we've lived I've been able to make great friends. They are all dear to me.  I've done a talk for a mom's group a couple of years ago about my friendships.

I cherish them each.

All my friendships are from different churches where we have served or are from that time. I have always had at least one friend who did not attend the church where we were serving at the time. A minister's wife needs that kind of relationship outside the walls of the church where her husband is on staff.

My three college BFFs, well, they have known me since I was 18 years old. A few years before I met PandaPop. We have history. I love it. Now that we are growing older when have so much to share!!! We call our texting The Textcapades.

Yes.  It's a play on words. On purpose.

I told you, we leave nothing out.

The Emoji**Icons we use from the app we downloaded to our phones has given us a whole new language. Between the creative use of those icons and mistyped words or overlapping posts I know I have fallen over laughing, cried from laughing or had to go straight to the little girls' room......from hard laughing.

We have three different icons for that....at three levels. One is for rolling on the floor laughing, next is for laughing so hard you are crying, the ultimate is a pic of a stick person crawling on the floor which is reserved for laughing so hard that you are crawling to the bathroom because you've wet yourself.

I know. Girls.

We send pictures, too. That's fun.

I love seeing these girls in everyday living color. We are able to see the good, the bad, the ugly and the real life play out.  We are very open and honest and are not pretentious in any way, because we do know each other from before adult life really hit hard.

Wrinkles and sagging body parts are a little easier to handle when you share the plight with someone you think of as beautiful.  They make me feel beautiful, too.

We do not see eye-to-eye on everything, however. We have to agree to disagree on some things and move on. It would be boring if we all just laughed and agreed on everything. We need that diversity among us. We do all love the Lord, though so in that way we are united.

I feel so blessed to have had them be a part of my daily life in the past few months because I have seriously struggled with some deep issues. I've been in counseling since last May. I am not ashamed to say that. I fought going to counseling for so very long, that I am amazed that I've come this far in my life without falling completely apart.

I'm not at liberty yet to expound on exactly why I have been in counseling, but I will someday.  God has allowed my life story to come to the point it is today for a reason.  We all have a story to tell.  I would love to hear yours. How God has woven people and circumstances through your tapestry to make you who you are.

I am just now, really, really finding who I am.

What in the world do all these duck pictures have to do with texting and counseling?

Randomness.

My daily life has become so incredibly random, wonky, out of sorts, unorganized, crazy, whacked out that I am now about to start some medication for adult ADD. I have done three different surveys on seeing how ADD I might be. Let's say on the best one.....I was 22 out of 26 characteristics.  Now that can be misleading because some of my actions can be compensating for something else which I will delve into at another time.

Doc says to work on one thing at a time.  We are starting with ADD.

I am only sharing this in hopes of helping someone else that might think counseling, good friends or medication isn't for them.  I believe God is working through all of those venues to help me become the PandaMom He created me to be.

All 41 years of my life have been for the making of whom I am today. This very day. All the great moments and all the crap.  It all plays a part.  Just like it does in your life.

I so wish I could sit down with every single one of you and listen to your life story and how things have come in to factor who you are and why you do the things you do.

I would love it. Wouldn't you just love that???

Happy Gotcha Day 2012!

Me & Him

This journey is so much better with him by my side.

My Word for 2012: step

The mind of a man plans his way, 

but the LORD directs his steps. 

Proverbs 16:9

Two years ago the word I claimed for the year was JOY.  If you followed long enough on this journey you know the story behind it and why it was so significant and actually started in December of 2009 after I felt joy-less when walking through the pain of choosing to let Little Guy go.  All of 2010 was about JOY.  Living in a true joyous spirit that can only come from God and not through circumstances.

Then for 2011 I claimed the word ENTRUSTED.  I had a revelation of how much God had entrusted to us with our daughter and the one that we thought was soon to follow.  PandaPop and I have a huge responsibility with the children's ministry & those little hearts at our church. What were His plans? We have been entrusted with the Holy Spirit, too.  What were we to do with all the lavish gifts with which He'd entrusted us? Many times I failed miserably in the stewardship that was entrusted to me in all areas. Many times I was victorious.  If there is anything....anything good in me that people see from this past year.....it was all God and nothing else.  He carried me through 2011.

The word for 2012 came to me yesterday sitting in church listening to my beloved pastor speak Truth from the living Word.  He spoke on taking one step.  One step.  It spurred me to think of Bob Wiley in What About Bob? which is my all-time favorite dark comedy and how he was going to make baby-steps to reach his goal of losing all his phobias. We have journeyed far along this adoption road for PandaJOY.  I did not expect to be still stuck in the foster system this long.  But we are.  We have learned so much patience in the wait. Everything being out of our control forced us to be patient, but we mostly chose to be joyful and not lamenting through the whole thing. We have taken each small step as it's come.

This year in 2012 we are continuing our baby steps for getting financially balanced.  We made huge strides and might actually see some payoffs for keeping in our budget this year.  Last year's money spent on repairing things just about did me in!!

We started last week on teeny-tiny baby-steps to get our health and physical bodies in check.  I've got so much weight to lose and even more so the emotional addiction to food that the task is just overwhelming.  Baby steps to the goal.  Each and every step counts.  Even the ones that go backwards.  Hopefully, I can learn from the backward steps and then move on.  Keep moving forward. Yes.  Keep moving forward!! I as type those words I am reminded that keep moving forward was part of our healing back in 2009! It's from Meet the Robinson's and is very much a part of our lives! I am giddy just remembering it now! Oh how it fits in perfectly with my word for the year: step.

Keep every single one of my 

steps 

moving forward!!! 

Do you have a word for the year? Have you ever had a word for the year? If not, try it and just see how many times it creeps up in your daily life and how God will use to make you better. I'd love to know your word!!!

The Fast & the Friendly

Whew! What a whirlwind of this month of December!! Christmas is just a few short days away! 2012 is looming right around the corner and I can't even believe this year is almost done and over.  Crazy fast, but at the same time.....mind-numbingly slow! Depends on what perspective I'm taking on any given day.

This week was filled with lots of prayers from loved ones, friends and sometimes just mere acquaintances who've held us up to the Lord in hopes of hearing something wonderful about PandaJoy's case.  Wednesday was the day that three judges read the appeal and determined that they would uphold the decision made back in May of this year to terminate the birth father's rights of PJ.

One catch, though.

Isn't there always a catch with us?  So seems like it.

We have to wait until December 29 because some blah, blah, blah happened back in the summer and it's a legal thing that gives the birth father ONE.MORE.WAY to delay this adoption.  He can't change the decision that was upheld, but he can make us keep waiting.  Crazy, crazy system. Crazy.

Meanwhile in the real world where we are raising the child in question, life is moving so quickly through all the hustle & bustle of the Christmas season. Yes, I totally said hustle & bustle.  That's exactly the right wording for it. Every day is filled with a huge to do list and lots of it has nothing to do with Christmas.

We've made a point to really show the girls that Christmas really, really is about Jesus and all the other fluff & stuff is just that.....superfluous.

This Sunday our little foursome gets to light the advent candle, PandaPop talks a minute or two about the way to be social with our faith in the Christmas season and I'm reading a Scripture from the Holy Bible.  Not the kind of social that's just more of that fluff & stuff, but really meeting people eye-to-eye at the check-out line and making a real live person contact.  Real people stuff. Jesus was like that.  He liked for people to know he cared and that they mattered.

Stop and talk to someone who is clearly working diligently through the madness of the commercial side of Christmas.  BE Jesus to them even in a small moment.  God sees you doing it no matter how the other person reacts.  Be friendly and alert and aware and observant and present. Be Jesus for someone who needs him.

Prepping for Thanksgiving

Busting at the seams with gratitude.

That's how I want to feel tomorrow.

Tomorrow holds yet another biological visit with PandaJoy's birth mother.

For reasons yet unseen, maybe never seen, we continue this charade.

My daughter doesn't understand why she has to be left in the muraled room with cast off toys for an eternity to play with another grown-up who calls her "mommy".

Maybe that's just my own interpretation of the visit, but I do know that confusion will assuredly set in tomorrow as we pack up to head down the crowed highway an hour and a half one way to walk into the very bleak, very beige, very long hallway to fulfill the state required biological visit in the tiny room for an hour.  Minus me.

This whole reality of ours does nothing of benefit for my daughter. It only sets to delay her healing.

It challenges my own motherhood.

However, today I bought a book.  One that is seemingly popular right now and has made it's presence known to me through several veins this week alone.  I thought it worthy of purchasing.  Clearly, it was a perfect buy.

I'll share it with you when I'm done.

I am so thankful for this gut-wrenching process we are living out with our PandaJoy.  She is truly worth the pain, struggle, confusion and unending wait.  Being thankful for all of those things will make the completion that much sweeter.

Around These Here Parts

PandaKitty has a psychosis. He has had it for as long as we've had him which is about 5 years now.   No matter how full his food bowl is he comes to find one of us and yells at us trying desperately to lure us into the kitchen to put food in his bowl.  I end up having to tap-tap his food bowl so he hears the kibbles & bits rattle around and all of a sudden he thinks I put new food in the bowl.  Doesn't matter if he SAW me put the food in the bowl......1/2 hour later he comes a-yellin' for more food. I know, crazy.

PandaDoggie is sitting on the back of our couch.  Yep.  That's a way to welcome guests to our home.  "The children can't walk on the couch, but the dog can. Help yourself up on the perch, too if you wish." Also, Mr. Deafy didn't seem to hear we had a time change on Saturday so he's been perky, wide awake and raring to go at 5:00 am every day since. He is precious, though.....if you can stand his high maintenance lifestyle.


The collage below is a tiny peek at the preteen retreat that PandaPop and I put together for our 5th & 6th graders at church. FUN TIMES!!!!  Do see PandaJOY hula-hooping?!!!!!! What three year old can do THAT?! That little bitty toot was cracking us up with the shakity-shake of her booty and hips until she actually GOT IT! PandaGirl mastered her feat of hula-hooping while reading.  Love these precious gifts of mine!!! (They still drive me absolutely crazy on a daily basis, but that's what make parenting fun, right? Smile. )

The Verdict

The jury trial this week has been one long wait after another!! Today was grueling!! Up until the last breath before the verdict was read we had NO idea how the jury was going to go.  My whole body was knotted up and my chest and neck stayed RED all day long.  So nerve-racking, but completely at the mercy of the court's timetable and the jury's decision.

They unanimously terminated his rights!

That is heartbreaking in one sense and yet a relief in another.  We have NO animosity for the bio family, rather the opposite! They have had 18 months to prove they could get the FREE help offered and did nothing.

As soon as the verdict was read the bio father reacted to his mother's disruptive reaction, got violent and proceeded to try and hit the jurors as they walked by causing the counselor to restrain him then he bolted.  We were fearful for awhile and then waited a bit before going to our car.  WHEW!!  That made my legs get so tight that it was hard to walk!

The law says they have a 90 day appeal period so we have to wait through that before celebrating.  Thank you so very much for you love, support and prayers!!!  My eyes have been opened wider and I have a new-found appreciation for C*P*S caseworkers and the attorneys.  Their jobs are unbelievably STRESSFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was not made for court.  I'll happily stick with children's ministry and photography and make pennies compared to lawyers.

I'll give more updates when I can, but for now I am letting my muscles relax, taking a hot bath and praising God for a YES answer to what we asked for.

Blessings!

Soli Deo Gloria

We are asking for prayers today for PandaJOY's case.  By 4 o'clock this afternoon a decision has to be made by the biological father, either to relinquish his rights or we go to jury trial on Monday.  We don't know what is best, but we do believe PJ is supposed to remain with us.....as our daughter....not a ward of the state until she's 18.  Thank you for your intercession on our behalf.

Soli Deo Gloria.....to God alone be the glory!

Stop and Smell the.....

PHOTO REMOVED AS PER NEW CORRECTIVE ACTIONS BEING TAKEN BY TEXAS DEPARTMENT OF FAMILY SERVICES.

I don't know what kind of coral colored flowers these are that PandaPop planted in the front flower-bed, but I just love them alongside my lamb's ear.  I just HATE that I can't post PandaJOY's face yet, because her chubby little cheeks & cute little nose profile sniffing that flower has to be PERFECT.  I am so sorry that all you see are blurred pixels.

I am playing around with some new photo effects, poses and artistic styles with my photography and using PG & PJ as my test models.  I've already done a few of PJ and am just sick that I can't share them with you yet.  The main focus in the pics are the eyes so of course you won't be seeing them anytime soon, at least of PJ.

We were checking the weather last night because the sirens went off.  I was trying to get the girls to bed after a late night at church watching PG in her end of school year musical and there was thunder and lightning interrupting our routine.  I gently, but firmly asked PP to check the weather on TV!!!!!!!!!!!!  Right after he did there was a major stir on Fox*News about some super secret unprecedented announcement that the President was about to make.  My heart was stirring with anxiety wondering what in the world was going on!

A bit later it was announced that O*sama B*in L*aden was dead.  That was surreal.  (How ironic that just a couple of hours earlier I noticed on the evening's program that the kids' choir would start up again next fall on September* 11, 2011.  I realized it would be 10 years after the Twin* Towers* were hit.) I couldn't help but hear the thunderous sounds outside and wonder what the heavenlies were like.  What was going on in the spiritual realm that our eyes aren't privy to see quite yet.  Yes, he is gone from this earth, but danger still looms.  His people will retaliate.  There are others with his hatred and beliefs in false gods.  If not them, then someone else will rise who hates Christians.  According to the Word of God.....we are aliens here.  We are not Home yet.

Be at peace today, friends.

A Piece of the Whole