I Do Believe She's Edible

She Warms My Heart

Ushering in Summer

As I scroll through the countless photos on *Pinterest* I find that there are so many thoughts, ideas, creations and motivations that have never even considered crossing my mind. I do love that website. I have already done several of the things that I've pinned onto my virtual cork boards. 

I love it when that happens!!! I feel so accomplished. Sometimes I get that crazy old feeling of being less than someone else (or MANY someone elses) should I allow myself to compare my life choices with theirs. Honestly, how can anyone be so put together that they craft daily, cook fabulous meals daily, reconstruct some massive project in their home on a consistent basis, take phenomenal photos of it all, then blog about it? Whew. That's how one can start to get overwhelmed with the plethora of photo ideas on *Pinterest*. However, if I allow myself to pin things that interest me, thus the name pin-terest (get it....pin plus interest.......that's for those of you whose might have their head in the sand about world wide web goings-on and know nothing of which I speak) then I find that I do adore my little virtual cork boards that I've filled with lovely photos and ideas of things I hope to do someday.  Then there are the things that just make me laugh on there and I pin it just because I can.

The darling little s'more teacher gift packs above came from that virtual picking place. I saw it a few months ago and knew that with five teachers for which to bless and say thank you for a year well done with my girls at school that I would be using this great idea. The one I saw and pinned was tied up with a cute chunky green ribbon with white polka dots. I opted for white tulle because I already had it. Here's hoping that the recipients of these packs will enjoy the moment they open up each package and make sweet summer memories with her loved ones while making a s'more over an open flame. 

Thank you, *Pinterest*. 

The beginning days of last summer had me begging for my next counseling appointment to hurry up and arrive. I was at one of my worst times in my life at the end of May 2011. The reality of PandaJOY coming to live with us was full-on. There was no going back to the way things were, yet there was really no sense of going forward because we knew we had a very long road of adoption through the foster system ahead of us. 

We had no idea just how very long it would end up being at the time, though. 

We had PandaGirl turning into a jealous freak kid that was very angry at having been dethroned from her 7 year princess position and was then having to play second fiddle to the newly arrived Cupcake that everyone thought was adorable. 

 I can totally see why PG would feel ousted. 

It's not like our family has come together in any normal way anyway. I mean the kid already went through her own trauma of being ripped away from all she'd ever know in China and made to adjust to her new westernized life. She watched us be excited over and over and over.......and over and over about the possibility of adopting a sibling only to have those plans thwarted for some reason or another. PandaGirl watched us be overjoyed at the prospect of getting twin baby boys from Haiti (before the hurricane hit the country) only to see that whole thing go down the drain and be completely out of our hands.  She lived through the traumatic grief of having Little Guy live with us for six treacherous days leaving all three of us with confused, stressed and broken hearts. She also has walked the mind-numbing foster system route with us.  

Adding insult to injury is the inevitable fact that she has begun to notice that she looks different than us. I mean really begun to think about it and talk about it. It breaks my heart that she thinks her eyes are too squinty and tries desperately to open them wider when taking a picture so she can look like those around her. PandaJOY has huge brown eyes. That doesn't help at all. 

PandaJOY has come so far along her jagged road as well.  The transition that she's been through has been nothing less than traumatic. I'm so proud of her, as I am PandaGirl. They both have overcome so very much in such a young life. I often ask why in the world that God allowed me to be their mom. They have such baggage and needs.......and so do I. There will be a day when I can freely write and speak of my own issues, but the time is not right. Oh how I would love to share my own story with others. My very, very close friends know. They know I'll bring it all together and one day God will use it bless others. 

Everyone has a story to tell. I've stated on here before how I wish we could all sit down over coffee and just tell our life stories. Some would be less dramatic than others while some would be so traumatic that we'd all just pass out tissues as we cried together over the brokenness experienced. 

I'm quite sure we'd all get a better understanding as to why we all act the way we do. Our yucky actions don't excuse us from being civil but there certainly are reasons why we consciously or unconsciously play out our daily lives. Just as my girls have come a very long way over the past year since the beginning of last summer.....so have I. By God's grace I have been peeling off layers of unhealthy conditioning through sound Biblical Christian counseling.  Life-changing. Just when I think I'm almost there, wherever there is, I'm triggered and realize that my battle will be for the rest of my life.

In this visually stimulating world of edited photographs and web-frenzied blogs I wish I could properly convey just how much growth has occurred in the PandaFamily home over the past year. 

Stunning growth. God-allowed growth. From the outside in I can see why He allowed these girls to be mine for a time. From the daily grind I cry out many times asking Him if he really knows what he's doing in letting me parent these two. 

Blind leading the blind.

I have been reminded repeatedly through reading the Jesus Calling devotional that God's Presence is with me continually. That fact has driven me to seek His face and do His will in my own life and in the lives of these two daughters in which he's entrusted me. 

When I focus on the truth, I am a better momma. 

Better wife. 

Better friend. 

Better daughter. 

Better mentor. 

Better Bible study teacher. 

Better photographer.

Better at everything. 

When I depend on God.

I feel empowered when I focus on truth and reality. Accept reality and live through it with the power given me by the Holy Spirit dwelling inside me. Those moments are the BEST!!! Those moments have been turning into days and that, dear friends is nothing short of miraculous!! That is why this summer is filled with hope and encouragement and laughter and craziness that brings joyful tears in place of dreadful ones.  Don't be fooled. The girls get in trouble every day, but I'm better at dealing with it. 

I am living proof of God's ability to use broken messed up pieces and make a living mosaic out of it. While it is difficult to explain when you can't see all that He's had to work through in me, you can appreciate that it has been painstaking at best then add in my little Asian broken pieces and my little Mulatto broken pieces and you'll start to see the beauty of the new Piece being crafted. 

I am.

You know......even PandaKitty is adopted through the humane society and PandaDoggie is deaf as can be with his own set of special needs.  I think PandaPop is the one who needs the most prayer out of our group!! He's been our absolute rock only because he deeply knows The Rock.

The verse that has permeated my being for the past year is 

Galatians 5:1

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. 

Do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Summer is a more care-free time of year when we can relax from tight schedules, stay up later than usual, hang out with friends, reflect on the past school year, gear up for the next, breathe a bit and enjoy the break from go-go-go. We are definitely a go-go-go kind of family, but it's different in the summer. This one has already started out better than last year's. Much better.

Summer.

(Yes. PandaDoggie is sitting....SITTING....on the back of our love seat. It's his favorite resting spot when not sitting at our feet.  I'm quite sure that grosses some of you out, but it's really the least of my concerns)

We Got a Date!!!

The lawyer called today and finally gave us an adoption date for PandaJOY!!! It is in May but I am not giving out the date for safety purposes. You just never know with this crazy world wide web.

Tonight we thought it was most appropriate to celebrate with dinner at The Cotton*Patch Cafe.

Hangin' Out on 3rd

Hi Friends!!!!

My time off was has been filled with quite a ride. For today, to e-a-s-e back into the bloggy world I'll keep it nice and surface-y.  A few pics to catch up on for those of you not on FB with me.

Hanging out on third just means that we really are close to coming home with this adoption.

The first week of March, PandaPop and I headed out to Cali-forn-I-A for a children's ministry conference in San Diego. I've only flown through the San Francisco airport on our way back from China with PandaGirl several years ago so this was my first trip to the west coast. We didn't have much time at all so we made the most of the conference sessions and took in a quick trip to Coronado Beach.

Well worth it.

I go to put my little toes in the chilly gold glitter sand beaches of Coronado and was in heaven!! If I weren't a Texan to the bone I'd so love to live in the Pacific Northwest where I could have cloud cover days, some sunny ones and the mountain AND beach at my back door. Love having both of them! The humidity was NOTHING. After living in Baytown, TX (Houston) where my glasses fogged up the second I walked out the door I thought all ocean front areas were the same. Nuh-uh. San Diego has it going on. Loved it.

We attended the conference with two other ministers from our church so we strolled along those sandy beaches clicking pics of each other. Picked up a few shells for our girls. Kissed on the beach.

I will show you later, but below is one pic of 8 that I have taken for the new children's hallway at our church. Nothing huge, just new paint, carpet and wall decor. I have to say.....the pics are AWESOME!!! They each depict something that is iconic from childhood and are professionally printed on gorgeous two inch hard standouts. Gorgeous. Very fun to walk down the hall and see my work. Of course, since they were so expensive to make then the time & talent it took to make the images all comes along in the package of I-am-married-to-the-minister-so-I'm-volunteering-my-time&talent-in-love. I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash.

I truly do get a huge kick-back every time I see the pics in the hall or someone says, "Did you take these?!!"  Yes, thank you.

Jesus Calling. So many people have talked about this devotional over the year. PP picked up the kids' version and I was looking for something new to get my spiritual life back on track......a nice new post waiting on THAT subject for ya!!.....so I purchased the original adult version.

Good stuff.

It is God's Word written from a conversation like manner from Him to me. Powerful.

Hell---o. This child above has kept me on.my.toes. Can you say precious?

Yes.

Can you say......BUTTON PUSHER???

I can!!!

I love PG dearly, but lately she has reaaaaaallllllly been trying to find her own voice.  She just has to learn that she can't use that darling little voice to have the last word....every single time.

She's coming along and so am I. Team effort.

As far as PandaJOY below?

Well, this little one has turned into some kind of awesome delight for me!!!!!!!! Very fun to be with, funny, busy, busy, busy, creative, imaginative, still tries to be bossy and as cuddly as ever!

We still have our moments, but this child thinks of me as her Momma. Me. ME!!!!! PandaGirl and I have such a different relationship that I'm taken aback at times when PJ WANTS to hold me or cuddle or sit beside or HAS to have Momma console her.

I'm like.....Whaaaaaaa?

Oh.....THIS is what motherhood should be like! I think I might like it.

That may shock some of you when thinking back at all the post from the years about PG.  I dearly love that child and God has rocked my world with her, but to say that I've had "fun" as a mother with her would be an outright lie. It has been a struggle to "feel" motherly with her.

God is granting me some favor and allowing me to get the sweetness of motherhood from the little bitty one.  He has plans for both girls in our family, no doubt.  Just different ways.

PandaPop.  What in this world would I do without him?

Implode probably.

He thinks I'm so strong.  I think I'd be a wild woman, strung out, dead or a Mormon.

There's a post in that statement just waiting to come to print. Hold on.

I don't want to be....without him.

Spruced up the back yard a bit with a new flowerbed put in by PP and a friend. He has plans to build me a new lovely wooden pergola on the patio, but it takes funds that are going to fix the A/C in the Tahoe that went kaput last summer. It's getting hot again and we.need.the.cool.air while driving.

Can I just tell you how TICKED I was that PP bought this blue and green Crayola sand (now teal)??!! I was going for the $2.97 version of regular beige play sand at the Wal**Mart. They didn't have any. So he purchased the colored sand. FOR $7.48 A BAG!!!!!!!! And the bag was a THIRD the size of the regular sand. I couldn't believe it!!!

Now I love the sand.

It is sooooo pretty and fun and sandy and beautiful and gets wet nicely and pretty and I love the sand.

OK....look below. Have you read or seen The Hunger Games? I got on the reading bandwagon just before the movie opened. Good reads and great distraction from real life.

I'm getting better with real life.  That is ANOTHER post waiting to happen.  I have so much to say and so little time to say it.  I have several people ask when I was going to write again on here. Since it doesn't show up in news feeders after going private then I have to go and TELL all of you that I've posted.

That's weird.

Arrogant?

Well.....whatever it is....thanks for caring about me enough to want to keep up.

More to come.  Way, way more to come.

****OH.....adoption....we SHOULD be adopting PJ in May.  We're not holding our breath.****

Happy Gotcha Day 2012!

Clickety-Click

Has it really been since the 19th since I posted?!! Sorry for the delay, just in case you lay awake at night wondering when I'll post again.

I have booked THREE weddings to photograph this May, June & July with two waiting in the wings this fall. The funny thing about the two in the fall is that PandaPop will be officiating the ceremony while I'm doing the photos. Great team.

From a couple of the deposits I was able to upgrade and purchase my beloved Canon 7D!!! Yay!! I've done all my work so far on the little, bitty Canon Rebel XSi. Great camera, but the lowest on the low end of good cameras. I can't wait to see what comes out of the 7D! I got it for a smashing price from a friend who's daily camera and lens is in the range of about $10,000. Yes, you read that correctly.  $10,000. I thought I would just start clicking away on my new baby, but alas, I have to go through a crash course on DVD to help me learn it. It's a whole new ball game with this little baby! I also will be trying to learn the ropes of flash photography and the entirely different animal of wedding photography. OH!!!!! and I am so TICKED that Google decided to close Picnik photo editing. Heartbroken!!! I used it DAILY and now have to learn REAL hard-core editing software. Bleh.

I have a love/hate relationship with weddings and wedding photos. Those super close to me know the in's & out's of why, but since I'm private I can at least say that my wedding photos are one of the sorest spots in my life. Heartbreaking photos. Yucky, awful, no good, rotten wedding photos. That's what I have from our wedding. Well, besides a God-graced, fabulous marriage and best friend husband. ♥

So, it took many, many years for me to be able to sit through a wedding of someone else without crying and lamenting the loss I felt over my own.  Now, I feel this tearing between myself of longing to have my photos be something other than gross and blessing someone else with fab photography.  I know I can do it, but I just have to do it. Ya know? A wee bit nervous, but I have until May to practice and hone my skills. We'll see.

As you can see from the pic above that finding a home for my Rebel wasn't hard and didn't take long. PP has a great love for photography, too and can't wait to start clicking away at whatever tickles his fancy. So funny how Rookie looks as if he's posing for PP.  He wasn't a very good first model for PP, but I'm sure those two will work out a system over time.

Have you heard of Momastery yet? If not, you will. It's a blog from a woman named Glennon who writes beautifully, raw, real, loving, funny and poignant posts about her life as a recovering addict to alcohol, food, bad relationships, etc.  You will be moved by her writing. She has spread like wild-fire recently and is now in the works of having a book published of her writings.  She moves me.

I'm not ready yet to divulge more about me on this blog. I'm still raw myself. Healing takes time. Healing takes God-dependence.

Last week I sat with a dear friend who found another cluster of something weird in her breast. That's always scary to have to go see doctors and wait and wait and wait to find out if you need a biopsy and when to schedule and what is the result and more waiting and waiting and wondering and trying to not borrow trouble from tomorrow and waiting and trying to act as if nothing is wrong and trying to show faith in action and waiting.  Those are such grown-up things to do. Yucky. I love my friend and am praying for God's grace on her.

I also discovered something very seemingly frivolous this past week, but in it's core....it's glue to a relationship. My three college BFFs that I've talked about in the past year a few times and I have started this group texting thing on our iPhones.  I only say iPhones because if we didn't all four have iPhones this little party we've created wouldn't be the same. We all loaded an app that has cute little emotion icons to add in the text messages.  We have been having the time of our life by all texting at the same time for about 15 minutes at a shot going back & forth, back & forth, over-lapping each other's words, laughing hysterically over words that were mis-spelled or auto-corrected for us and basically gettin' all up in each other's business. What a ride!!! It's a rush and I love it. We all live apart from each other and this is a fun and fast way to keep connected. It's so private. So we think. It's just us 4 bonding even more than we already have. I adore them so. Since not all of us can always be on the phone at the same time or might be driving or something like that then we just talk for them which makes it even funnier. Soul sisters.

Another soul sister wrote with a desperate email to pray for her son.  She couldn't explain at the moment, but wanted prayer coverage because he was being attacked.  Knowing this family so well, I realize that attack means a spiritual one.  I prayed. I hurt for her.

We are already at the end of January 2012. Sounds so futuristic. Tomorrow is Jana Day. Did you know that? If you know me well then you know that 20 years ago when PP asked me to marry him on Jan. 23rd....he also created Jana Day a few days later. I guess he was so enamored by my stunning beauty and charisma...ahem....that he wanted to keep the celebration going. We've celebrated it every year on January 31st. Jana Day.  Thursday is PandaGirl's Gotcha Day.  Next week is PandaJOY's Gotcha Day. Whew!! Lot's of celebrating going on around here.  OH...and Super Bowl Sunday, too? Honestly, I have zero idea who's even playing in the bowl this year. Still fun to be a part of the hype, though.

Wow, so much to say, yet still don't feel right about writing it all out in print.  Hang around. I'll get there someday.

Have a blessed Monday, friends!

This weekend I had the awesome chance to spend some much needed soul sister time with my college BFFs, minus one. That was sad because we don't like to do things unless all four of us are able to participate.  It's just not the same when one is missing. The other one chose to stay home and take care of her 18 year old daughter who had her tonsils out. Good mommy, she is. We had plans for another 4-Girls Weekend like we did last year when we celebrated our 40th birthdays together, but we had to nix them for the sake of the one to take care of her family. Now THAT was one of the best weekends of my life. Too good for words.

Since only three of us could make it this year we opted for dinner out and some great laughs.  So, so good for my soul. Love these girls dearly.  They know me like no one else.

As if my heart wasn't full enough, I also got to spend a couple of hours with another close-to-my-heart BFF who shares a similar story with her daughter from China.  We bonded through our precious playgroup of darling little Chinese girls for a couple of years when we served at our last church. We live far away from each other, but with a quick click on FB or texting we are always just a moment away from each other. Yes, we did a photo booth like jr. high girls. Loved it.

Below is a pic of my two girlies.  Today, being MLK day I thought I  post a pic of my brown-skinned beauties. I mostly forget they are different races and skin tones than me and PandaPop. They are just who they are. I don't even think about racism much, but it really is real and there are still people who think of them as less than who God created them to be. I love them so. I've been entrusted with them!!! We are blessed to be a family of four......almost. We are getting closer to seeing light at the end of this insane tunnel.  Thanks for your continued prayers.

Had the awesome and humbling opportunity to hear Captain Scotty Smiley give his testimony at a church we visited yesterday while PandaPop helped lead a youth retreat. MOVING!!!!!! He is precious and his words are so beautiful.  He is a true hero for our USA and for our faith in Jesus Christ. 

http://www.hopeunseen.com/

The Four of Us

Where to start to wrap up such an interesting year!!??

First let's start with the photo of four lights.  Part of PandaPop's Christmas gifts was to get gift cards from the home improvement store....at his request.  He happily purchased these new glass domes for our living room ceiling fan and a new brushed bronze light fixture for over our dining table.  Love them both!

Next, the four lights represent the four members of the PandaFamily.  What an incredibly challenging and draining road this had been to build this family!! Must be something amazing lurking around the corner for us since the enemy has fought us every.step.of.the.way in our construction!

We still don't have any word on the legal stuff that was taking place on the 29th of this month, but we are excited to move forward and hopefully adopt this baby girl in February.  We'll see.  So many prayers have been said on behalf of her and for us.  I feel so humbled by the out-pouring of care and concern over our little team.

This past year has been filled with so many blessings and so many stressful moments.  Yesterday, I said sarcastically that the dog had aged me and then I moaned.  (Yes.....he completely wears me out, yet I do love the crazy deaf thing.) PandaGirl asked, "you mean you're getting OLDER?!!" I said, "No, aging is worse."  It was very sardonic, but true.  Aging is what brings stress lines, dull skin and a sad countenance.  Getting older can be beautiful.

I have learned a lot over the course of the year. Here are just a few:

*I can heal from decades of pain
*Living out Eucharisteo is life-changing
*Nothing, absolutely nothing is in my control
*I have to make choices to be better
*A perfect weekend with my college friends revived my soul
*Disciplining from a place of love & safety is much more effective than using fear
*Eating for comfort causes 20 lbs to pack on an already overweight body.....and no amount of food is enough
*Photography truly is my passion
*Face*book takes up way too much time, but is so fun
*I have beloved, soul-sister friends that will last a lifetime
*My man has strength that continues to blow my mind.  He was placed in my life with divine purposes.
*I have been blessed with physically gorgeous daughters who can tan!!
*I've never had a panic attack as badly as when I couldn't find my license just before having to board the plane.
*I ♥ NY
*I can totally ride the subway to Brooklyn Bridge...& sit beside a man-girl....at night.
*Central Park is more beautiful than I ever imagined.....the hot dogs are less than stellar
*To keep breathing when everything falls apart from home to vehicles
*The foster system is not for us
*Sitting in a court room with liars on the stand makes me want to scream and my insides burst out
*Waiting on the foster system, judges, caseworkers, lawyers and the like is one of my least favorite things on the planet
*Not having a consistent time with God only leaves me empty, longing and miserable
*I'm truly addicted to music.  It's my escape.
*I love the beauty around me that God so graciously lavishes and I clap for God's handiwork
*I love my church
*The numbers 11:11 have haunted me countless times in the past year. Countless!!!!!!!!!
*I knew that having my own iPhone* would make me smile
*Working from home is harder than it seems
*Having a deaf dog is a whole.lot.of.work.
*Angry birds is just a blast
*Getting a gazillion Clean*Eating magazines and books.....doesn't actually make me eat clean..I must choose it.
*I am unbelievably blessed

There's so much more, but let's end here.  I am glad to see 2011 go and for 2012 to be full, FULL of blessings and new exciting things!!! More to come later about my photography ventures that lie ahead.  I will certainly keep you up to date on PandaJoy's case as we know things.

Though I loved my 365 blog of pictures, I'm forgoing it this next year due to time constraints.  It was fun, but took way too much time on a daily basis.

My new header reflects my heart and desire with the scripture from Deut. that tells us to impress on our children the truths of God.  I intend to do just that.  Been kinda lacks on it this past year.  Must do better. Thanks for hanging around for another year of Pandaleidscope!!

Happy New Year, friends!!!

A Dose of Reality

UPDATE: just by claiming the scripture mentioned below and changing my entire mindset from all about my loss as a mother and her dreams to a true ministry to my girls and making it all about their needs I can say that today ROCKED & I totally tried to do everything emotionless and FOR them with out reacting in defense!! One day at a time is what it takes.  ; )


What do you think about my life?  You probably don't sit around all day pondering about PandaMom, but in some teeny-tiny way you think about me for a second or else you wouldn't visit this blog and read my ramblings or peek at my photos.

Are you curious as to how real I am or what it's like being a minister's wife?  Do you think I have it all together? HA. Those who know me in real life know better than that.  But with just pictures on a screen and text on a page that can be read in the way I intended them to or completely misinterpreted and come across different that my original thoughts, do you think you know me?

I do try and be real on here.  One of my better qualities is that I am a transparent person.  I don't like hiding things and I feel an urge to spill my guts just so that someone doesn't think I'm being fake about something.  I'd rather come across as one who lays it all out there and risks being made fun of rather than be pretentious in any way.  My transparency has bitten me in the behind before so I am much more aware of what I hang on the laundry line.

Though part of me wants to, I do not feel released to type out all there is to know about PandaMom. I am married to a minister and I'd never want to bring any negative light to my Man, our precious church or anything that would hinder the beauty of God. Some things are meant to be kept private no matter if I want to blather on about them in cyber space.

Why did I ask your opinion of my life?  I often visit other's blogs and sum them up in about a five second scan of the blog.  How shallow of me. I do the same when people watching.  As horrible as it is, I can't seem to stop.  I see someone and have their whole life pegged in an instant.  Stupid me.  How many times have I been 100% wrong??? Probably 99% of the time.

Do you think that I have such a great story to tell with the beautiful girls with whom we've been entrusted?  Well, I do.

Do you sometimes wish that you could have been infertile and have adopted outside your race?.....like maybe it's glamorous to have gone through the pain of years of infertility, millions of tears, disappointment after countless disappointment in trying to build a family, entering the tragic foster system and have your world rocked?  What about having your dreams of how your family would look and act be utterly shattered?

Like I look at Beth*Moore and see her precious self being all cute and beautiful and spunky.  She has two grown daughters who adore her, do ministry with her and they all three seem to have THE BEST relationship ever.  She has this unbelievable gift of making God's Word understandable to everyday-janes like me and she's totally hip & cool, too.  However, her testimony is hard, hard, hard. Hard.  Why would I be jealous of her when she's lived through so much heartache?  You know she raised a son for seven years (from age 4-11) and he was taken from their lives for some loophole reason.  That's some serious heart-break right there, that I'd never, ever want to go through.

I'm writing this all out tonight because I have been struggling so very much with raising these girls.  We are still in the appeal process with PandaJOY so I battle feelings of "raising someone else's kid" while we wait out this crazy, useless legal process.  PJ is quite a handful because she isn't just a typical (whatever that is) 3 year old.  She comes with many emotional issues from her tiny past.  With each discipline she needs, which is multiple times daily just like an other kid this age, I have to instantaneously   make the mental shift from my own way of doing things to what is going to be best for her.  I fail miserably most days. There is some high drama in our home and I don't mean the funny kind. On the times that I actually DO get it right and she is successful and I am successful I wish there was someone there clapping and handing out stickers or something to recognize that I DID IT!! I actually DID IT and I made a great mark of improvement on this child's life!!! YAY ME!!!!

Then there's PandaGirl who has her own past experiences.  I forget that she, too comes with a load of issues that stem from being abandoned as a baby, living in an orphanage and then the trauma of being ripped from her loving nannies at the orphanage and put in our foreign arms.  We moved on as if this darling little toddler was a newborn and we were starting fresh.  No way.  She had 15 months of who knows what under her belt before she ever set foot on American soil.

So I have two daughters (let's just call PJ that for the sake of ease) who have unhealthy, non-Americana backgrounds.  I have my own issues that I deal with adding more stress to the day and before you know it.......sometimes I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!! Sometimes I do.

Like I stated earlier, I feel like a complete and utter failure to these two girls on a daily basis. That's what I'm getting at with all the questions and comparisons.  I don't want for one minute for anyone reading this blog to think that I have it all together just because I'm sometimes funny and have a quick wit or that I take some pretty pictures.  I was at my wit's end today and begged God for a Scripture to help ease my wonky unsettled, un-peaceful feelings and He gave me this:

"Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; 

may they not rule over me. Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression. 

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, 

O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." 

Psalm 19:12-14

It might not make any sense to you, but it does to me.  I took it personally and fully believe He blessed me with this peace at just the moment I needed it.  He also led me to Face**book.  Yes, God led me to Face**book.  A friend posted a link to a pastor who wrote an article from his new book coming out and the title of the article was "Don't Adopt!".  That's an attention getter.  I clicked on the link and read what he had to say.

I totally agreed with him.

I even signed on to make a comment.

Here's the link.  "Don't Adopt!" Let me know your thoughts if you have an opinion on this.

I am posting because I do want some other thoughts.  Until I had experienced what I have with my girls and until I read his post I would talk til I was blue in the face with PandaPop about this issue and he & I disagreed.  We rarely all out disagree on much, but this was one such issue: are all Christians called to adopt to fulfill the scripture that says to take care of widows and orphans?  I've stood my ground saying that there's no way that God wouldn't want every Christian to adopt, meaning you don't have to wait on "God's will" or permission to adopt.  Just do it!!  PP's take is that, NO, not everyone is called to adopt.  It baffled my mind......until I read this article and I like how he stated it.  PP knows that I now agree with him.  He just rolled his eyes when I told him.  That was a kind gesture to me suggesting, "You drive me crazy, Blondie.  I've been trying to tell you this forever."

After the gift of the scripture verse and after reading this, I felt empowered to minister to these two girls in a different way.  To be their mom, but to stop trying to make them into the American dream family that I thought I'd have.  I will never have been pregnant.  I will never have carried life in me nor have known my children from birth.  I don't have the privilege of having bonded to my daughters in their infancy making them feel safe & secure deep down in their core. I will never even remotely look like my girls.  I will never be the first mother they knew.  I can't ever rest in the sacredness of birthing them. They absolutely have issues.  I have issues. I have to parent them differently than what might seem normal.  If you 've followed at least since January you know that my word for this year has been ENTRUSTED.  I got a new vision of that today and am renewed.

PandaPop and I have been entrusted with these beauties.  They need extra love & care.  They need to be disciplined differently.  They need Jesus. They are such a gift and I lost sight of that for a while.

I'm praying the battle for these two will find me faithful to the calling on my life.  It's not about me.  It's about them.

Thanks for sticking around with me, friends.