Third Day's a Charm

The first day of school was Monday. I have a pic of the same crosswalk with the morning sun shining down on PandaGirl when she started Kindergarten, 1st grade, maybe 2nd grade, not sure about 3rd grade, 4th grade....uh...., 5th grade she appears to be darting away. PandaJoy has gone to this school for the two years prior in the pre-school program for half days so it wasn't totally shocking for her to be heading off to school as she started Kindergarten.

I snapped their pics and practically skipped out the school's double doors with not one single glance back.

Tears?

Ha.

No way.

I love those girls dearly, but I was and am ecstatic over having six and a half hours in a day to accomplish something of value.....or not without interruption from little voices. The voices that are constantly in need of something. (I'm saying only 6 1/2 because the drop-off and pick-up carlines do not count as time off. Those have been known to bring out the worst in me because of selfish, oblivious parents who cannot follow directions. Or use their brain.)

Thank you, Lord for allowing me to become a mommy. Yes, THANK YOU!!!! I begged for years and years traveling down a very broken road to get these two in my arms. YOU delivered!!! 

Though I'm not alone in my age bracket with young children, I feel so old while having a five year old!! Had things gone the way I'd wanted way back when, we would be having kids in college now and be empty nesters. Some days that sounds amazing. I know, I know......don't rush it. I'm just coming from the perspective of seeing all the years I spent trying to actually get the children which now makes me so much older than many of my peer parents with children of the same age. Maybe they keep us young? Yeah. I'll go with that one.

No matter the how's and why's of my family, it is what it is therefore I want to make the most of it.

After leaving my babies in the care of the professional educators I bolted for my favorite breakfast spot: Corner Bakery. Love the rich bold colors of brown wood and hearty brick with a lofty-like feel. Great coffee and so love the tasty crispy-chewy sweet crisps.

As for the book....I read a few chapters. Delightful. I rarely get to read because I just don't during the day when I have children around and by the time I get to it at night I'm too tired and my eyes begin to close after a page or two. I hate that. I so want to be one of those readers who start and just can't put the thing down. That's PandaPop and several of my friends. Not me. Eyes close. Goodnight.

Cannot wait to actually have daytime segments of uninterrupted time to read a book. And finish it.

After a bit of time in the Bakery Loft I headed to meet Reckless for a pedicure.  I may have had five in my whole life. I paint my own toe nails all the time so the thought of paying someone to do it makes me ill. I even have exfoliating brushes in my tub to get the yucky skin off, but there's something great about those little clipper/tweezer tools they use at the salon with the precision of a surgeon to get to places on my little piggies that escape my skills. That's worth it every now and then.  The camaraderie is certainly worth it.

Left there with sparkly candy apple red toenails then purchased new shoes for PJ then met PandaPop for lunch.

I was astounded how fast the six little hours of freedom were vanishing.

Once the girls got home, had a snack, a little TV and filled me in on all the details of the day we ended up ordering pizza for dinner. My day got away from me and it was the easiest way out.

Gotta plan better. The next day slipped away just as quickly since I started it out with a trip to the gym then grocery shopping. Whew!! Who knew those six hours could fly by so dang quickly?!! Even now on day three as I type I have a long to-do list that is screaming my name.

So thankful for this season of my life. Getting organized in several areas is top priority. Otherwise I'll be a jumbled mess with no excuse since I now have time to get things done.

Time that slips away too fast! 

***side note question: today I noticed that the pic on the sidebar of PandaJoy is all of a sudden smaller then the rest. I changed it with a brand new pic, but it remains smaller on my screen. What does it look like on your screen? Thanks!!

Summer 2013 Wrapped Up with a Bow---or Three

I was not looking forward to summer vacation. That sounds negative at best, but it's the truth. Due to myriad of reasons motherhood has been a bear for me. My woes are not worse than someone else's. I have been greatly blessed with two very healthy, beautiful daughters.

Perspective is reality.

Even if our perspective is skewed or completely whacked....it is still our own lens through which we see circumstances therefore making every single decision in our day reflective of our view of things. Please say that made some sort of sense. I know I'm right on this one. Our actions and reactions are a direct relation to our own foundation.

Everyone knows that the foundation of any building must be strong, secure and done right or else it cracks, crumbles and can even implode. PandaPop built houses for a bit during our seminary years. He was the construction manager overseeing the workers, making sure all the tiny details were attended to or else the beautiful end result of a very expensive house would be compromised later on by faulty work making that house even more expensive and heads were on the chopping block.

Foundations are vital.

I'm getting the vibe as I type that I'm not really ready to expound on all of this quite yet. Let's just say that me and the girls alone at home everyday was not something I was excited about. The past year had PandaGirl in a new place with the beginnings of some hormone changes that escalated her disrespectful attitude while PandaJoy is the bossiest, stater-of-the-obvious child I know. Add both of those along with my own parenting issues and some other personal struggles with which I've dealt the past couple of years and the sum was looking like the aftermath from the perfect storm.

Lightening things up....... At the end of May I knew I had to steel myself for the coming dog-days of summer so I made sure to first ask God for help then I set some boundaries, made plans for outings and home projects, etc. In the middle of summer I found an idea on Pinterest for making technology tickets that were for the girls to use with blocks of time they could choose to use for video games, Wii, TV, computer and movies. Too much screen time makes both of my girls brain dead or even sassier and disrespectful. I was astounded as to how this ticket system really changed both of them which in turn made for happier momma and more peaceful home. Nice.

As school is starting on Monday and we wrap up this Friday as the last official day of summer vacation sans the weekend, I look back on our dog-days realizing it really was a great summer. Certainly there were bumps and potholes along the way, but we made it. Not only did we make it, but I feel that my girls and I are each closer in our bonds. Sweet. Since my babies did not come from my womb and both were at least 15 months old before I met them, our bonding has been intentional and difficult.

We've had a great summer.

Don't be fooled, though. I still can't wait for Monday to arrive as I wave goodbye with a huge smile on my face while they are walking into the school building. Only three more sleeps. Three tiny sleeps!!

The pic below of PG and I was yesterday. The girl is surely going to be taller than me, but I'm thinking she may be eye-to-eye with my by Christmas at the rate she is growing. We already wear the same shoe size and she's just going into the 5th grade!!  This girl has read more books this summer than maybe I have in my whole adult life! She is a voracious reader and story writer. She's also the queen of funny one-liners. She just has to learn when to use them and when to keep them to herself. She's fabulous.

I adore the pic of PJ at the bottom. A random shot on the swing so carefree and innocent. That baby girl went through things at such a young age that cause her to still freak out in panic and fear laced eyes that I cringe wondering what exactly her subconscious remembers. Sweet little bitty. She drives me bonkers with her incessant chatter and bossiness, but she is tender, loving, observant and genuinely joyful. Has a gorgeous voice and the ability to sing along with any song even if it's the first time she's ever heard it. Precious.

I am so thankful for these beautiful girls. God chose me to be their mom and I literally question that choice every single day. He really must have better plans for me and them that I cannot comprehend. There's no valid reason I can find as to why he'd pick me for them except that there are some issues I will one day be able to share with them that we all three have in common. That's it. Otherwise it baffles me as to this road we three girls (and PandaPop, too!!!!) are on together.

As I finish up this post we are headed up to church to visit PandaPop at his office. We have done this many times this summer. Gets us out of the house and blesses him with his girls.

All three of us.

Bonded.

Six Little Sleeps

Do I love my daughters?

Of course!!

Do I enjoy their cuteness and laughter and one-liners and creativity and giggles and beautiful naturally tanned brown skin in summer swimsuits and taking a few thousand pics of them and reading together and coloring together and watching movies together and eating popcorn and riding in the Jeep and.... list goes on???

Sure I do!

Did I long to be a mommy for years and years and years and lost so many tears over that deep longing for children to be in my care begging God for my own?

You better believe it!

Am I the kind of mom who gets all weepy and sad at the thought of her children going off to school leaving her alone through the school day?

Heck NO!!!!!!

I cannot wait until next Monday.

School starts. Fifth grade for PandaGirl, Kindergarten for PandaJoy.

Really and truly. I am beside myself with excitement as to how my life will open up to a whole new world. One that I haven't really known. I have been a stay at home mom since PandaGirl came along. She was with me the whole time. A few mother's day out jaunts then on to pre-school a couple of days a week, but I worked at the pre-school along with her in the same building for two years. Her Kindergarten year I worked full-time as a speech therapist in public school and got the taste of that kind of full-time working mom routine which gave me an appreciation for being a SAHM. Then I started being so focused on trying to get child number two through adoption that it was like a dang job. So really, come next Monday when both girls are in school from 7:45-2:45 I can actually discover me on a whole new level.

That excites me. 

I'm hoping my extra time will allow me to focus on the many things I need learn about my camera, my photography business and editing software along with a whole slew of other things I've been putting off while having a child underfoot for the past oh-so-many-years.

Though we are always on a tight budget (and blow the budget) with PandaPop being a children's minister I have been blessed to be a stay at home mom.

My dream.

Dreams tend to not work out in real life as fantastically as they appear in one's imagination, now do they?

I think all jobs are challenging at some level no matter what you do. Even scooping ice cream can be stressful. I know. I asked the 16 year old girl scooping up my fat-filled ice cream at Ben & Jerry's this summer if her arm hurts from all that scooping and she replied with a slight disgust in her tone how only her one arm was getting the scooping work-out.  So, there ya go. Any job can bring its own set of obstacles to the table. Who wants one arm muscle to be firm and the other flabby? No one.

Being a stay at home mom is challenging. Let's say it's hard. Not working-for-the-FBI hard or holding-a-scalpel-steady-in-someone's-brain hard or frontline-military-work hard but more like the old Chinese torture of dripping water on one's forehead in the same spot over and over until the person breaks kind of hard.

Unless you are the kind of mom who genuinely adores being around your kids day in day out all day then you understand exactly what I'm saying. I know I'm not alone due to the amount of fb posts with begs, vents and pleas for school to start so that life can go on without the slaying (pretend, of course) of all the little children in the homes of my friends.

Clearly we are not the first to be elated when school resumes as I recall Bing Crosby singing the whimsical lyrics to It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas with...

A pair of Hop along boots and a pistol that shoots

Is the wish of Barney and Ben

Dolls that will talk and will go for a walk

Is the hope of Janice and Jen

And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again

And that song has been around forever.

So as I have enjoyed many moments with my beautiful daughters and have bonded with them even more (quite important in our family of adoption) I must say that the thought of making it through the next six sleeps is invigorating. 

The pic above is me last night as I hopped in our Jeep with the doors off and top down, ear buds blaring away some tunes in my ears and wind blowing my ponytail all over creation and zoomed away to the store via the long scenic route. 

Alone.

Exhilarating.

I Live With Cinderella

Not really sure how this child's foot didn't get smashed in the door of the Tahoe. Can't imagine how this even happened. Figuring the odds of catching the yellow flip flop in the door that nano-seconds before the close of the metal housed a human foot while not getting cut off are beyond my 4th grade math skills.

All I heard from inside was, "My shoe!! My shoe!!" followed by {giggle...giggle...giggle} and "Mom! I'm just like Cinderella!"

Why, yes, Little Bitty I guess you are just like Cinderella.

Her 5th birthday was celebrated a couple of weeks ago with a full blown princess party. So cute. PandaJoy's actual birthday was in the middle of children's camp last month so we had to party down at a later date.

*I have to make a disclaimer on the collage below for the sparkly pink and purple Jello shots princess putty. Borax, glitter glue and water made for some gooey fun for the girls as they made their own putty to take home. Little did I know that the containers that I used (just like the Pinterest post I copied) are the same ones used for distributing Jello shots at parties or the beach or your back yard until several friends told me so from posting pics on fb and Instagram. My bad. Rest assured, I did not give out Jello shots as party favors to five year olds. The moms might have snagged them if I did.

The Cringe I Feel When I Bring It On Home

The girls and I were about to approach the Tahoe in the library parking lot. We'd just spent a good hour or so doing our thing inside the children's wing of the library. It rained while we were inside. No, it poured buckets of rain while we were inside. There was a ginormous deep water puddle blocking part of the way to our vehicle. Two feet to the left and we'd keep our feet dry. 

I'm the kind of mom that loves spontaneity. I have pictures (of course!) of both my girls playing outside in a summer rainfall. I don't care if PandaJoy's feet get wet while wearing her flip flops. Really no big deal. What I have a problem with is when I tell her quite articulately to not walk through the water, but rather..........walk around the water, yet she decides to do her own thing. My words and example were loud and clear. 

I watched as she put one yellow flip flop in front of the other and proceeded like Moses straight through the Red Sea. His feet were dry as I recall my Old Testament Bible story. Hers were wet. 

With a stunned look on my face, I'm sure.....I bent down to her eye-level and said, "Did you hear my words? Did you just hear what I said about the water and not walking through it?" 

Her big brown-eyed response, "Yes."

"You heard me say, 'don't walk through the water', but you did it anyway?"

"Yes."

"Why? Why would you walk through the water if you heard me say to not do it?"

"Because it looked fun," said the sometimes honest little girl.

Oh. Well in that case, please keep walking. Go back and do it again. This time JUMP up and down and give me your little middle finger at the same time.

Countless times with this little bitty girl have I almost instantaneously closed my eyes, turn my head to the side and felt my insides cringe as the disciplinary (sometimes said sarcastically in disbelief and frustration) words were released from my mouth. Parenting is a direct reflection of our relationship with our Maker. God. God made us. 

Some people I know differ with me on how we were created or what kind of God/god we serve or the manner in which we return to the Maker.  That is a completely different post all together. For the purposes of this post I'm sticking with God being my loving heavenly Father who really does want the best for me, his child. 

PandaGirl has afforded a few moments in time where I reflected inwardly on my own depravity and how childlike I am when wanting my way instead of God's.  PandaJoy on the other hand has brought me to my knees in tears while I look straight into a bright crystal clear mirror reflecting parts of me that I didn't even know could exist. None of it is her fault, per se. She is just the conch shell that God has used to let me hear his voice over and over........and over again. I knew I should have been writing down the words that fell from my lips every time I spoke them to PandaJoy because there have been so many and they each have been profound when I hear them from God to me and not just from me to her.

I do not even want to revisit the many times I have clearly heard God's instruction which he articulately conveyed to me but I continued on my own will, did it anyway.......because it looked fun. Fun. Fun that was indeed self-satisfying. Fun that was a rush. Fun that could destroy me from the inside out. Fun that lasts only a moment then is not fun anymore.  The fun is no longer enticing. The fun is blurry, twisted and ugly. What once made my eyes sparkle, my blood pump faster and promised a pay-off then turns on itself in acidic decay eating me along with it. 

But it was so fun. 

It was so........fun.

I'm sure PandaJoy thought the lure of that water puddle looked fun. She heard my words of instruction. She knows my voice. She knows I love her with all my heart. I am out for her good. I direct her paths that will benefit her. My perspective is beyond her comprehension so she has to trust that I know more than her and that I give her direction for a greater purpose. Purpose she cannot even fathom at age five. 

I'm sure PandaMom thought the lure of that [water puddle] looked fun. She heard My words of instruction. She knows My voice. She knows I love her with all my heart. I am out for her good. I direct her paths that will benefit her. My perspective is beyond her comprehension so she has to trust that I know more than her and that I give her direction for a greater purpose. Purpose she cannot even fathom at age forty-two.

Romans 7 from the Bible describes this wretched tug-o-war we battle from Paul's perspective. This pic is from the pages of my Bible. Words so very accurate. 

How I wish I had a list of all the things I've said to PandaJoy that have made me cringe. The beauty in it all is that God my Maker is always for me and not against me. He instructs and disciplines me for my good. 

I can ignore him and have the free will to do my own thing, because...... it may be fun.  

I can listen and have the free will to do what he says. Because ultimately with him....it's sure to be fun.

It's Sort of Like Fuel

I am late.

I am always late to the cool things. Like by about a year or two.....or five.

I have never been one to keep up with trends or name brands. Ask Reckless. She is always the one in the know while I am baffled as to how she always....always is on top of things that are hip, new or the latest couture. I think I'm all cool and hip when I finally dive into whatever the thing is that everyone else has the t-shirt for while they are on to something else.

Whatevs.

A few years ago I opened an Instagram account. I loaded a few pics, some of which were PandaJoy and at the time she was still in the foster system, not officially ours. Her pics were not allowed online. If you've been around you remember because I would take keenly angled pics of her with her face cut out that were posted on this blog. I stopped instantly with Instagram and forgot all about it.

Last week I got the bug to check out the hype which really isn't hype anymore. Most teens have gone to it or other online media sites and have ditched the facebook playground due to too many mommies and daddies having accounts alongside the teens and that's just not cool. And a bit disturbing sometimes. On both sides. Side note: Almost a year ago I dropped 99% of any "friends" on fb that have not yet graduated high school. That was on account of someone graciously emailing me and informing that my new tattoo (the first one......they didn't know three more were on their way within the year) was a bad influence on the children and teens at church. So I dropped 'em all like flies. I keep a few that are like family and who live in areas other than our current place of service. Blah, blah, blah.....back on task >>>>>> When seeing a cyber friend's post about how the cutie little perfectly square Instagram pics can be made into a cutie little spiral bound book I about fell off my rocker. Way too cute. Must have them.

So started the Instagram Binge.

I'm on a mission to upload as many as I can because I think it takes 100 photos for one mini-book or something like that. I am addicted!!! LOVE the filters and the perfectly square photos. Love.  Because of my love of photography anyway, this little hobby is right up my alley. With every click of my phone camera button from taking the pic to editing to posting to......uhhhh. Just love it. It delights me greatly and fuels me on to see the good in life.

To feel the good in life.

It's a fresh breath that whisks me away from the not-so-good in life even if for just a moment.

Each little pic is a reminder of how very much God has blessed me.

Count your many blessings, name them one inch by one inch [square].

I Do Believe She's Edible

She Warms My Heart

Ushering in Summer

As I scroll through the countless photos on *Pinterest* I find that there are so many thoughts, ideas, creations and motivations that have never even considered crossing my mind. I do love that website. I have already done several of the things that I've pinned onto my virtual cork boards. 

I love it when that happens!!! I feel so accomplished. Sometimes I get that crazy old feeling of being less than someone else (or MANY someone elses) should I allow myself to compare my life choices with theirs. Honestly, how can anyone be so put together that they craft daily, cook fabulous meals daily, reconstruct some massive project in their home on a consistent basis, take phenomenal photos of it all, then blog about it? Whew. That's how one can start to get overwhelmed with the plethora of photo ideas on *Pinterest*. However, if I allow myself to pin things that interest me, thus the name pin-terest (get it....pin plus interest.......that's for those of you whose might have their head in the sand about world wide web goings-on and know nothing of which I speak) then I find that I do adore my little virtual cork boards that I've filled with lovely photos and ideas of things I hope to do someday.  Then there are the things that just make me laugh on there and I pin it just because I can.

The darling little s'more teacher gift packs above came from that virtual picking place. I saw it a few months ago and knew that with five teachers for which to bless and say thank you for a year well done with my girls at school that I would be using this great idea. The one I saw and pinned was tied up with a cute chunky green ribbon with white polka dots. I opted for white tulle because I already had it. Here's hoping that the recipients of these packs will enjoy the moment they open up each package and make sweet summer memories with her loved ones while making a s'more over an open flame. 

Thank you, *Pinterest*. 

The beginning days of last summer had me begging for my next counseling appointment to hurry up and arrive. I was at one of my worst times in my life at the end of May 2011. The reality of PandaJOY coming to live with us was full-on. There was no going back to the way things were, yet there was really no sense of going forward because we knew we had a very long road of adoption through the foster system ahead of us. 

We had no idea just how very long it would end up being at the time, though. 

We had PandaGirl turning into a jealous freak kid that was very angry at having been dethroned from her 7 year princess position and was then having to play second fiddle to the newly arrived Cupcake that everyone thought was adorable. 

 I can totally see why PG would feel ousted. 

It's not like our family has come together in any normal way anyway. I mean the kid already went through her own trauma of being ripped away from all she'd ever know in China and made to adjust to her new westernized life. She watched us be excited over and over and over.......and over and over about the possibility of adopting a sibling only to have those plans thwarted for some reason or another. PandaGirl watched us be overjoyed at the prospect of getting twin baby boys from Haiti (before the hurricane hit the country) only to see that whole thing go down the drain and be completely out of our hands.  She lived through the traumatic grief of having Little Guy live with us for six treacherous days leaving all three of us with confused, stressed and broken hearts. She also has walked the mind-numbing foster system route with us.  

Adding insult to injury is the inevitable fact that she has begun to notice that she looks different than us. I mean really begun to think about it and talk about it. It breaks my heart that she thinks her eyes are too squinty and tries desperately to open them wider when taking a picture so she can look like those around her. PandaJOY has huge brown eyes. That doesn't help at all. 

PandaJOY has come so far along her jagged road as well.  The transition that she's been through has been nothing less than traumatic. I'm so proud of her, as I am PandaGirl. They both have overcome so very much in such a young life. I often ask why in the world that God allowed me to be their mom. They have such baggage and needs.......and so do I. There will be a day when I can freely write and speak of my own issues, but the time is not right. Oh how I would love to share my own story with others. My very, very close friends know. They know I'll bring it all together and one day God will use it bless others. 

Everyone has a story to tell. I've stated on here before how I wish we could all sit down over coffee and just tell our life stories. Some would be less dramatic than others while some would be so traumatic that we'd all just pass out tissues as we cried together over the brokenness experienced. 

I'm quite sure we'd all get a better understanding as to why we all act the way we do. Our yucky actions don't excuse us from being civil but there certainly are reasons why we consciously or unconsciously play out our daily lives. Just as my girls have come a very long way over the past year since the beginning of last summer.....so have I. By God's grace I have been peeling off layers of unhealthy conditioning through sound Biblical Christian counseling.  Life-changing. Just when I think I'm almost there, wherever there is, I'm triggered and realize that my battle will be for the rest of my life.

In this visually stimulating world of edited photographs and web-frenzied blogs I wish I could properly convey just how much growth has occurred in the PandaFamily home over the past year. 

Stunning growth. God-allowed growth. From the outside in I can see why He allowed these girls to be mine for a time. From the daily grind I cry out many times asking Him if he really knows what he's doing in letting me parent these two. 

Blind leading the blind.

I have been reminded repeatedly through reading the Jesus Calling devotional that God's Presence is with me continually. That fact has driven me to seek His face and do His will in my own life and in the lives of these two daughters in which he's entrusted me. 

When I focus on the truth, I am a better momma. 

Better wife. 

Better friend. 

Better daughter. 

Better mentor. 

Better Bible study teacher. 

Better photographer.

Better at everything. 

When I depend on God.

I feel empowered when I focus on truth and reality. Accept reality and live through it with the power given me by the Holy Spirit dwelling inside me. Those moments are the BEST!!! Those moments have been turning into days and that, dear friends is nothing short of miraculous!! That is why this summer is filled with hope and encouragement and laughter and craziness that brings joyful tears in place of dreadful ones.  Don't be fooled. The girls get in trouble every day, but I'm better at dealing with it. 

I am living proof of God's ability to use broken messed up pieces and make a living mosaic out of it. While it is difficult to explain when you can't see all that He's had to work through in me, you can appreciate that it has been painstaking at best then add in my little Asian broken pieces and my little Mulatto broken pieces and you'll start to see the beauty of the new Piece being crafted. 

I am.

You know......even PandaKitty is adopted through the humane society and PandaDoggie is deaf as can be with his own set of special needs.  I think PandaPop is the one who needs the most prayer out of our group!! He's been our absolute rock only because he deeply knows The Rock.

The verse that has permeated my being for the past year is 

Galatians 5:1

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. 

Do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Summer is a more care-free time of year when we can relax from tight schedules, stay up later than usual, hang out with friends, reflect on the past school year, gear up for the next, breathe a bit and enjoy the break from go-go-go. We are definitely a go-go-go kind of family, but it's different in the summer. This one has already started out better than last year's. Much better.

Summer.

(Yes. PandaDoggie is sitting....SITTING....on the back of our love seat. It's his favorite resting spot when not sitting at our feet.  I'm quite sure that grosses some of you out, but it's really the least of my concerns)

We Got a Date!!!

The lawyer called today and finally gave us an adoption date for PandaJOY!!! It is in May but I am not giving out the date for safety purposes. You just never know with this crazy world wide web.

Tonight we thought it was most appropriate to celebrate with dinner at The Cotton*Patch Cafe.

Hangin' Out on 3rd

Hi Friends!!!!

My time off was has been filled with quite a ride. For today, to e-a-s-e back into the bloggy world I'll keep it nice and surface-y.  A few pics to catch up on for those of you not on FB with me.

Hanging out on third just means that we really are close to coming home with this adoption.

The first week of March, PandaPop and I headed out to Cali-forn-I-A for a children's ministry conference in San Diego. I've only flown through the San Francisco airport on our way back from China with PandaGirl several years ago so this was my first trip to the west coast. We didn't have much time at all so we made the most of the conference sessions and took in a quick trip to Coronado Beach.

Well worth it.

I go to put my little toes in the chilly gold glitter sand beaches of Coronado and was in heaven!! If I weren't a Texan to the bone I'd so love to live in the Pacific Northwest where I could have cloud cover days, some sunny ones and the mountain AND beach at my back door. Love having both of them! The humidity was NOTHING. After living in Baytown, TX (Houston) where my glasses fogged up the second I walked out the door I thought all ocean front areas were the same. Nuh-uh. San Diego has it going on. Loved it.

We attended the conference with two other ministers from our church so we strolled along those sandy beaches clicking pics of each other. Picked up a few shells for our girls. Kissed on the beach.

I will show you later, but below is one pic of 8 that I have taken for the new children's hallway at our church. Nothing huge, just new paint, carpet and wall decor. I have to say.....the pics are AWESOME!!! They each depict something that is iconic from childhood and are professionally printed on gorgeous two inch hard standouts. Gorgeous. Very fun to walk down the hall and see my work. Of course, since they were so expensive to make then the time & talent it took to make the images all comes along in the package of I-am-married-to-the-minister-so-I'm-volunteering-my-time&talent-in-love. I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash.

I truly do get a huge kick-back every time I see the pics in the hall or someone says, "Did you take these?!!"  Yes, thank you.

Jesus Calling. So many people have talked about this devotional over the year. PP picked up the kids' version and I was looking for something new to get my spiritual life back on track......a nice new post waiting on THAT subject for ya!!.....so I purchased the original adult version.

Good stuff.

It is God's Word written from a conversation like manner from Him to me. Powerful.

Hell---o. This child above has kept me on.my.toes. Can you say precious?

Yes.

Can you say......BUTTON PUSHER???

I can!!!

I love PG dearly, but lately she has reaaaaaallllllly been trying to find her own voice.  She just has to learn that she can't use that darling little voice to have the last word....every single time.

She's coming along and so am I. Team effort.

As far as PandaJOY below?

Well, this little one has turned into some kind of awesome delight for me!!!!!!!! Very fun to be with, funny, busy, busy, busy, creative, imaginative, still tries to be bossy and as cuddly as ever!

We still have our moments, but this child thinks of me as her Momma. Me. ME!!!!! PandaGirl and I have such a different relationship that I'm taken aback at times when PJ WANTS to hold me or cuddle or sit beside or HAS to have Momma console her.

I'm like.....Whaaaaaaa?

Oh.....THIS is what motherhood should be like! I think I might like it.

That may shock some of you when thinking back at all the post from the years about PG.  I dearly love that child and God has rocked my world with her, but to say that I've had "fun" as a mother with her would be an outright lie. It has been a struggle to "feel" motherly with her.

God is granting me some favor and allowing me to get the sweetness of motherhood from the little bitty one.  He has plans for both girls in our family, no doubt.  Just different ways.

PandaPop.  What in this world would I do without him?

Implode probably.

He thinks I'm so strong.  I think I'd be a wild woman, strung out, dead or a Mormon.

There's a post in that statement just waiting to come to print. Hold on.

I don't want to be....without him.

Spruced up the back yard a bit with a new flowerbed put in by PP and a friend. He has plans to build me a new lovely wooden pergola on the patio, but it takes funds that are going to fix the A/C in the Tahoe that went kaput last summer. It's getting hot again and we.need.the.cool.air while driving.

Can I just tell you how TICKED I was that PP bought this blue and green Crayola sand (now teal)??!! I was going for the $2.97 version of regular beige play sand at the Wal**Mart. They didn't have any. So he purchased the colored sand. FOR $7.48 A BAG!!!!!!!! And the bag was a THIRD the size of the regular sand. I couldn't believe it!!!

Now I love the sand.

It is sooooo pretty and fun and sandy and beautiful and gets wet nicely and pretty and I love the sand.

OK....look below. Have you read or seen The Hunger Games? I got on the reading bandwagon just before the movie opened. Good reads and great distraction from real life.

I'm getting better with real life.  That is ANOTHER post waiting to happen.  I have so much to say and so little time to say it.  I have several people ask when I was going to write again on here. Since it doesn't show up in news feeders after going private then I have to go and TELL all of you that I've posted.

That's weird.

Arrogant?

Well.....whatever it is....thanks for caring about me enough to want to keep up.

More to come.  Way, way more to come.

****OH.....adoption....we SHOULD be adopting PJ in May.  We're not holding our breath.****

We Are an American Family

When reading a Strawberry Shortcake book to PJ this afternoon I noticed that the friends of Strawberry look just like my little family. I absolutely couldn't resist taking a pic and making this my new FB Timeline cover pic. Too cute!!!

Clickety-Click

Has it really been since the 19th since I posted?!! Sorry for the delay, just in case you lay awake at night wondering when I'll post again.

I have booked THREE weddings to photograph this May, June & July with two waiting in the wings this fall. The funny thing about the two in the fall is that PandaPop will be officiating the ceremony while I'm doing the photos. Great team.

From a couple of the deposits I was able to upgrade and purchase my beloved Canon 7D!!! Yay!! I've done all my work so far on the little, bitty Canon Rebel XSi. Great camera, but the lowest on the low end of good cameras. I can't wait to see what comes out of the 7D! I got it for a smashing price from a friend who's daily camera and lens is in the range of about $10,000. Yes, you read that correctly.  $10,000. I thought I would just start clicking away on my new baby, but alas, I have to go through a crash course on DVD to help me learn it. It's a whole new ball game with this little baby! I also will be trying to learn the ropes of flash photography and the entirely different animal of wedding photography. OH!!!!! and I am so TICKED that Google decided to close Picnik photo editing. Heartbroken!!! I used it DAILY and now have to learn REAL hard-core editing software. Bleh.

I have a love/hate relationship with weddings and wedding photos. Those super close to me know the in's & out's of why, but since I'm private I can at least say that my wedding photos are one of the sorest spots in my life. Heartbreaking photos. Yucky, awful, no good, rotten wedding photos. That's what I have from our wedding. Well, besides a God-graced, fabulous marriage and best friend husband. ♥

So, it took many, many years for me to be able to sit through a wedding of someone else without crying and lamenting the loss I felt over my own.  Now, I feel this tearing between myself of longing to have my photos be something other than gross and blessing someone else with fab photography.  I know I can do it, but I just have to do it. Ya know? A wee bit nervous, but I have until May to practice and hone my skills. We'll see.

As you can see from the pic above that finding a home for my Rebel wasn't hard and didn't take long. PP has a great love for photography, too and can't wait to start clicking away at whatever tickles his fancy. So funny how Rookie looks as if he's posing for PP.  He wasn't a very good first model for PP, but I'm sure those two will work out a system over time.

Have you heard of Momastery yet? If not, you will. It's a blog from a woman named Glennon who writes beautifully, raw, real, loving, funny and poignant posts about her life as a recovering addict to alcohol, food, bad relationships, etc.  You will be moved by her writing. She has spread like wild-fire recently and is now in the works of having a book published of her writings.  She moves me.

I'm not ready yet to divulge more about me on this blog. I'm still raw myself. Healing takes time. Healing takes God-dependence.

Last week I sat with a dear friend who found another cluster of something weird in her breast. That's always scary to have to go see doctors and wait and wait and wait to find out if you need a biopsy and when to schedule and what is the result and more waiting and waiting and wondering and trying to not borrow trouble from tomorrow and waiting and trying to act as if nothing is wrong and trying to show faith in action and waiting.  Those are such grown-up things to do. Yucky. I love my friend and am praying for God's grace on her.

I also discovered something very seemingly frivolous this past week, but in it's core....it's glue to a relationship. My three college BFFs that I've talked about in the past year a few times and I have started this group texting thing on our iPhones.  I only say iPhones because if we didn't all four have iPhones this little party we've created wouldn't be the same. We all loaded an app that has cute little emotion icons to add in the text messages.  We have been having the time of our life by all texting at the same time for about 15 minutes at a shot going back & forth, back & forth, over-lapping each other's words, laughing hysterically over words that were mis-spelled or auto-corrected for us and basically gettin' all up in each other's business. What a ride!!! It's a rush and I love it. We all live apart from each other and this is a fun and fast way to keep connected. It's so private. So we think. It's just us 4 bonding even more than we already have. I adore them so. Since not all of us can always be on the phone at the same time or might be driving or something like that then we just talk for them which makes it even funnier. Soul sisters.

Another soul sister wrote with a desperate email to pray for her son.  She couldn't explain at the moment, but wanted prayer coverage because he was being attacked.  Knowing this family so well, I realize that attack means a spiritual one.  I prayed. I hurt for her.

We are already at the end of January 2012. Sounds so futuristic. Tomorrow is Jana Day. Did you know that? If you know me well then you know that 20 years ago when PP asked me to marry him on Jan. 23rd....he also created Jana Day a few days later. I guess he was so enamored by my stunning beauty and charisma...ahem....that he wanted to keep the celebration going. We've celebrated it every year on January 31st. Jana Day.  Thursday is PandaGirl's Gotcha Day.  Next week is PandaJOY's Gotcha Day. Whew!! Lot's of celebrating going on around here.  OH...and Super Bowl Sunday, too? Honestly, I have zero idea who's even playing in the bowl this year. Still fun to be a part of the hype, though.

Wow, so much to say, yet still don't feel right about writing it all out in print.  Hang around. I'll get there someday.

Have a blessed Monday, friends!

This weekend I had the awesome chance to spend some much needed soul sister time with my college BFFs, minus one. That was sad because we don't like to do things unless all four of us are able to participate.  It's just not the same when one is missing. The other one chose to stay home and take care of her 18 year old daughter who had her tonsils out. Good mommy, she is. We had plans for another 4-Girls Weekend like we did last year when we celebrated our 40th birthdays together, but we had to nix them for the sake of the one to take care of her family. Now THAT was one of the best weekends of my life. Too good for words.

Since only three of us could make it this year we opted for dinner out and some great laughs.  So, so good for my soul. Love these girls dearly.  They know me like no one else.

As if my heart wasn't full enough, I also got to spend a couple of hours with another close-to-my-heart BFF who shares a similar story with her daughter from China.  We bonded through our precious playgroup of darling little Chinese girls for a couple of years when we served at our last church. We live far away from each other, but with a quick click on FB or texting we are always just a moment away from each other. Yes, we did a photo booth like jr. high girls. Loved it.

Below is a pic of my two girlies.  Today, being MLK day I thought I  post a pic of my brown-skinned beauties. I mostly forget they are different races and skin tones than me and PandaPop. They are just who they are. I don't even think about racism much, but it really is real and there are still people who think of them as less than who God created them to be. I love them so. I've been entrusted with them!!! We are blessed to be a family of four......almost. We are getting closer to seeing light at the end of this insane tunnel.  Thanks for your continued prayers.

Had the awesome and humbling opportunity to hear Captain Scotty Smiley give his testimony at a church we visited yesterday while PandaPop helped lead a youth retreat. MOVING!!!!!! He is precious and his words are so beautiful.  He is a true hero for our USA and for our faith in Jesus Christ. 

http://www.hopeunseen.com/

OH--I Missed My Mind

So did you enjoy that confession from the last post? Pretty blunt, huh?  I noticed only two of my peeps left comments.

Sweet.

There are several of you others out there.

Where are the comments?

Just reading for pleasure?

Maybe this will make you smile.

PandaJoy has a darling repertoire of vocabulary she uses on a daily basis like any three year old finding her way in the world of lingo.  I do think I fall down on the floor every single time she says, "Oh. I missed my mind."

She means that she has since changed her mind from whatever jibber-jabber she had previously mumble out just moments before or even days before.  If I offer her a choice between applesauce or a cheese stick she might choose the cheese stick. Upon completion of the cheese stick she announces that she "missed her mind" and now has decided that she wants applesauce instead.

She's already chosen and eaten the cheese stick.

**************************************

Yeah, um...PandaMom, do you want to eat the fattening food at the pizza buffet or be a size 6?

I want to eat the buffet at Pizza Inn along with the chocolate chip cookie pizza dessert platter.

Gulp.

Oh, wait.

I missed my mind.

I want to be a size 6.

Sorry. Too late. You already chose the pizza.

*******************************************

Since I have no real means of discipling this child in any manner of which I'm accustomed I've had to come up with real sweet, creative ways of handling her.  They are probably the more healthy, sane ways that would have worked on me when I was growing up rather than the fear induced do-what-the-hell-I-say-or-else type of nurturing I got.

And there's another post for that.  Now that I'm private.

Anyway, one of my leveraging devices is to make the Little Bitty clean up her room before I will read a book to her at night.  This has caused many a melt-down right at bed time when I am tired of the day....and her. I do love that child, but she has worn.me.down.to.the.bone. Though you can't tell from the blubber on my buttocks.

Today I told her in order to watch ANOTHER Dora on Netflix she had to clean her room.  Really? Poor child....having to clean her room multiple times a day must be a witch on her psyche, but remember, it's all I got.

Of course, being three she tends to forget what her task at hand is and starts playing.  I'm not mean.  I give some leeway.  After an appropriate amount of time I ask her if she's done cleaning and she says, "yes".

I ask her the series of simplified questions that I always ask so that I don't walk all the way up Mt. Everest  just to see crap strewn all over her floor which in turn sends me into a mental breakdown and I want to bite nails.  You'll see I have issues.  I've gone private.  There's more to me than the Pandaleidoscope Pollyanna.

I give her another chance to "clean" her room, but this time I start making my way up the stairs to see for myself because I'm getting tired of waiting. As I round the corner fully expecting to see a cleared floor since she so desperately wants to see Doot-doot-doot-doot-Dora I find the room completely crapped out in a mess.  She hadn't done a blessed thing except play.....more. Which is totally fine, because who wants to clean up her room in the middle of the stinkin' day just to get it all back out again after the great movie is done? I don't blame her.

As she heard my footsteps approaching she yelled, "I'm cleaning!!!"

Yeah, right and I'm a size 6.

I look at the top of her shelves and see that size 6 Barbie must have missed her mind, too. She did have clothes on the last time I saw her.  She'd rather relax than clean.  Moving chairs off the bed was just way too much.

We go through the whole meltdown, talking gently to her, working through the trauma, going potty, getting back up stairs, getting on the bed for a nap and boom.......room is still dirty.

She missed her mind.

She decided to play instead of clean.

I'm like that, too.

I'd way rather play than fold clothes, mop, do the dishes, take the dog out, work on business stuff or pretty much anything.

I start out with a great plan and a list and all the gumption in the world.  Then reality sets in.

I miss my mind.  A lot.

The Four of Us

Where to start to wrap up such an interesting year!!??

First let's start with the photo of four lights.  Part of PandaPop's Christmas gifts was to get gift cards from the home improvement store....at his request.  He happily purchased these new glass domes for our living room ceiling fan and a new brushed bronze light fixture for over our dining table.  Love them both!

Next, the four lights represent the four members of the PandaFamily.  What an incredibly challenging and draining road this had been to build this family!! Must be something amazing lurking around the corner for us since the enemy has fought us every.step.of.the.way in our construction!

We still don't have any word on the legal stuff that was taking place on the 29th of this month, but we are excited to move forward and hopefully adopt this baby girl in February.  We'll see.  So many prayers have been said on behalf of her and for us.  I feel so humbled by the out-pouring of care and concern over our little team.

This past year has been filled with so many blessings and so many stressful moments.  Yesterday, I said sarcastically that the dog had aged me and then I moaned.  (Yes.....he completely wears me out, yet I do love the crazy deaf thing.) PandaGirl asked, "you mean you're getting OLDER?!!" I said, "No, aging is worse."  It was very sardonic, but true.  Aging is what brings stress lines, dull skin and a sad countenance.  Getting older can be beautiful.

I have learned a lot over the course of the year. Here are just a few:

*I can heal from decades of pain
*Living out Eucharisteo is life-changing
*Nothing, absolutely nothing is in my control
*I have to make choices to be better
*A perfect weekend with my college friends revived my soul
*Disciplining from a place of love & safety is much more effective than using fear
*Eating for comfort causes 20 lbs to pack on an already overweight body.....and no amount of food is enough
*Photography truly is my passion
*Face*book takes up way too much time, but is so fun
*I have beloved, soul-sister friends that will last a lifetime
*My man has strength that continues to blow my mind.  He was placed in my life with divine purposes.
*I have been blessed with physically gorgeous daughters who can tan!!
*I've never had a panic attack as badly as when I couldn't find my license just before having to board the plane.
*I ♥ NY
*I can totally ride the subway to Brooklyn Bridge...& sit beside a man-girl....at night.
*Central Park is more beautiful than I ever imagined.....the hot dogs are less than stellar
*To keep breathing when everything falls apart from home to vehicles
*The foster system is not for us
*Sitting in a court room with liars on the stand makes me want to scream and my insides burst out
*Waiting on the foster system, judges, caseworkers, lawyers and the like is one of my least favorite things on the planet
*Not having a consistent time with God only leaves me empty, longing and miserable
*I'm truly addicted to music.  It's my escape.
*I love the beauty around me that God so graciously lavishes and I clap for God's handiwork
*I love my church
*The numbers 11:11 have haunted me countless times in the past year. Countless!!!!!!!!!
*I knew that having my own iPhone* would make me smile
*Working from home is harder than it seems
*Having a deaf dog is a whole.lot.of.work.
*Angry birds is just a blast
*Getting a gazillion Clean*Eating magazines and books.....doesn't actually make me eat clean..I must choose it.
*I am unbelievably blessed

There's so much more, but let's end here.  I am glad to see 2011 go and for 2012 to be full, FULL of blessings and new exciting things!!! More to come later about my photography ventures that lie ahead.  I will certainly keep you up to date on PandaJoy's case as we know things.

Though I loved my 365 blog of pictures, I'm forgoing it this next year due to time constraints.  It was fun, but took way too much time on a daily basis.

My new header reflects my heart and desire with the scripture from Deut. that tells us to impress on our children the truths of God.  I intend to do just that.  Been kinda lacks on it this past year.  Must do better. Thanks for hanging around for another year of Pandaleidscope!!

Happy New Year, friends!!!

The Fast & the Friendly

Whew! What a whirlwind of this month of December!! Christmas is just a few short days away! 2012 is looming right around the corner and I can't even believe this year is almost done and over.  Crazy fast, but at the same time.....mind-numbingly slow! Depends on what perspective I'm taking on any given day.

This week was filled with lots of prayers from loved ones, friends and sometimes just mere acquaintances who've held us up to the Lord in hopes of hearing something wonderful about PandaJoy's case.  Wednesday was the day that three judges read the appeal and determined that they would uphold the decision made back in May of this year to terminate the birth father's rights of PJ.

One catch, though.

Isn't there always a catch with us?  So seems like it.

We have to wait until December 29 because some blah, blah, blah happened back in the summer and it's a legal thing that gives the birth father ONE.MORE.WAY to delay this adoption.  He can't change the decision that was upheld, but he can make us keep waiting.  Crazy, crazy system. Crazy.

Meanwhile in the real world where we are raising the child in question, life is moving so quickly through all the hustle & bustle of the Christmas season. Yes, I totally said hustle & bustle.  That's exactly the right wording for it. Every day is filled with a huge to do list and lots of it has nothing to do with Christmas.

We've made a point to really show the girls that Christmas really, really is about Jesus and all the other fluff & stuff is just that.....superfluous.

This Sunday our little foursome gets to light the advent candle, PandaPop talks a minute or two about the way to be social with our faith in the Christmas season and I'm reading a Scripture from the Holy Bible.  Not the kind of social that's just more of that fluff & stuff, but really meeting people eye-to-eye at the check-out line and making a real live person contact.  Real people stuff. Jesus was like that.  He liked for people to know he cared and that they mattered.

Stop and talk to someone who is clearly working diligently through the madness of the commercial side of Christmas.  BE Jesus to them even in a small moment.  God sees you doing it no matter how the other person reacts.  Be friendly and alert and aware and observant and present. Be Jesus for someone who needs him.