Once in a Blue Moon--Domestic Diva Day

I'm a little bit in love with these cupcakes.

Little bit.

The plan this morning was to quickly hop on to Pinterest to find a cookie recipe that I could whip up later in the day to have warm and ready for the girls when they got home from school since we seemed to have successfully made it through the first week of 5th grade and Kindergarten without too much drama. Some drama, but not toooooo much. Hey....I gotta celebrate the positive.

If you've ever jumped off the boat and into the ocean of photos on Pinterest then you know full well that the quick minute turned into about 20 minutes before I could even blink! The cookie pins then led me to the cupcake pins where I saw several variations of cherry limeade cupcakes. I prefer to have a strawberry limeade when at Sonic where they are known for their great cherry limeades (at least in Texas they are) so I decided to make strawberry limeade cupcakes.

But not just any old cupcake would do after oohing and ahhing over all the cuteness on Pinterest. My prior attempts at cupcake making and frosting the things haven't gone so well making me just downright giddy over these cuties this afternoon.

Seriously.

Could these be any cuter?

Nope. Pretty much nailed it on this one.

Somehow I even managed to get an amazing BBQ pulled pork from my crock pot that cooked all day along with homemade coleslaw. Thank you again, Pinterest. It's about time something I print off from you actually worked.

Every now and then I somehow pull out the Domestic Diva card and appear to be doing wonderful things in my home. I love it when this happens. It's not often.

I mean, I'm creative and have a million ideas and lists lists lists lists lists lists and more lists of things I want to accomplish........

but you know how that goes.

Nothing gets done.

Today, however......it all came together and I am one happy little diva. It was super fun to bless my girls and hubby with this labor of love. We had some friends pop by for a little taste, too. Awesome.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, though that it's not me.

It's the sufficient grace extended to me from my Maker. He's so good like that. I needed this. Needed it. You have no idea how much I needed this in my heart.

I am just super glad that I worked out this morning because I've eaten two and a half cupcakes.

Today.

With milk.

And maybe a little bit of the icing.

That accidentally was left in the bowl.

Third Day's a Charm

The first day of school was Monday. I have a pic of the same crosswalk with the morning sun shining down on PandaGirl when she started Kindergarten, 1st grade, maybe 2nd grade, not sure about 3rd grade, 4th grade....uh...., 5th grade she appears to be darting away. PandaJoy has gone to this school for the two years prior in the pre-school program for half days so it wasn't totally shocking for her to be heading off to school as she started Kindergarten.

I snapped their pics and practically skipped out the school's double doors with not one single glance back.

Tears?

Ha.

No way.

I love those girls dearly, but I was and am ecstatic over having six and a half hours in a day to accomplish something of value.....or not without interruption from little voices. The voices that are constantly in need of something. (I'm saying only 6 1/2 because the drop-off and pick-up carlines do not count as time off. Those have been known to bring out the worst in me because of selfish, oblivious parents who cannot follow directions. Or use their brain.)

Thank you, Lord for allowing me to become a mommy. Yes, THANK YOU!!!! I begged for years and years traveling down a very broken road to get these two in my arms. YOU delivered!!! 

Though I'm not alone in my age bracket with young children, I feel so old while having a five year old!! Had things gone the way I'd wanted way back when, we would be having kids in college now and be empty nesters. Some days that sounds amazing. I know, I know......don't rush it. I'm just coming from the perspective of seeing all the years I spent trying to actually get the children which now makes me so much older than many of my peer parents with children of the same age. Maybe they keep us young? Yeah. I'll go with that one.

No matter the how's and why's of my family, it is what it is therefore I want to make the most of it.

After leaving my babies in the care of the professional educators I bolted for my favorite breakfast spot: Corner Bakery. Love the rich bold colors of brown wood and hearty brick with a lofty-like feel. Great coffee and so love the tasty crispy-chewy sweet crisps.

As for the book....I read a few chapters. Delightful. I rarely get to read because I just don't during the day when I have children around and by the time I get to it at night I'm too tired and my eyes begin to close after a page or two. I hate that. I so want to be one of those readers who start and just can't put the thing down. That's PandaPop and several of my friends. Not me. Eyes close. Goodnight.

Cannot wait to actually have daytime segments of uninterrupted time to read a book. And finish it.

After a bit of time in the Bakery Loft I headed to meet Reckless for a pedicure.  I may have had five in my whole life. I paint my own toe nails all the time so the thought of paying someone to do it makes me ill. I even have exfoliating brushes in my tub to get the yucky skin off, but there's something great about those little clipper/tweezer tools they use at the salon with the precision of a surgeon to get to places on my little piggies that escape my skills. That's worth it every now and then.  The camaraderie is certainly worth it.

Left there with sparkly candy apple red toenails then purchased new shoes for PJ then met PandaPop for lunch.

I was astounded how fast the six little hours of freedom were vanishing.

Once the girls got home, had a snack, a little TV and filled me in on all the details of the day we ended up ordering pizza for dinner. My day got away from me and it was the easiest way out.

Gotta plan better. The next day slipped away just as quickly since I started it out with a trip to the gym then grocery shopping. Whew!! Who knew those six hours could fly by so dang quickly?!! Even now on day three as I type I have a long to-do list that is screaming my name.

So thankful for this season of my life. Getting organized in several areas is top priority. Otherwise I'll be a jumbled mess with no excuse since I now have time to get things done.

Time that slips away too fast! 

***side note question: today I noticed that the pic on the sidebar of PandaJoy is all of a sudden smaller then the rest. I changed it with a brand new pic, but it remains smaller on my screen. What does it look like on your screen? Thanks!!

The Tiny Details

This poor little cicada met his Maker the other day in PandaJoy's kiddie pool in the backyard. Not sure how long his (or her, I guess) life lasted. All I know is that PJ would not share her pool with him so he had to go.

Texas heat can be scorching in the summer. The past two summers left us wanting to move to Alaska with most temps resting around 105-114 degrees. Fahrenheit. That's the kind of hot that makes your eyelids burn a little when you blink upon stepping outside. There is no use for make-up of any kind since that kind of heat instantly melts it off your skin. Sitting on a leather seat in a pair of shorts in a vehicle that's been locked up for a bit...even with cracked windows...is sure to burn the back of your thighs bad enough for a skin graph. Then just try touching the steering wheel. Might as well stick your fingers right on the bacon in a frying pan to hold it down. 'Bout the same.

That was for two summers in a row. 

This year has been relatively mild in comparison with us only logging a few days just over 100 degrees. We've even had several rainy days. Glory. Our church camp had us wearing rain boots and toting umbrellas for the first three days. Kept the temps down to what seemed fall-like. I took a pic with my phone of the temperature showing on the rearview mirror in the Tahoe on the way to camp the Sunday before all the campers arrived the next day and it was literally sitting at a nice and cool 67 degrees at 3:00 in the afternoon!! Even more glorious. Except for afternoon rec time when the pool was closed or the kids just opted to swim in the rain sprinkles sans any lighting, of course. Safety first.

Every year about the end of July through the end of August I always swear that I want to move from Texas to somewhere else. This is my 42nd summer here. No plans to move yet. I still love Texas. Maybe because it's all I've ever known. I've traveled here and there, but this is home. Hot summers and all.

There hasn't been a summer that has passed that I haven't seen a dead cicada or locust or grasshopper or beetle or june bug just like the one in the pic laying somewhere on the ground, feet up, no movement left. When I picked up this particular little guy I was intrigued by the attention to detail on his wings. It made me think of how intricately he was formed and how God made him.

God made every single detail of that cicada.

How?

I have NO idea.

When I start thinking about how God chose to do things or make things or allow things to happen in this world my brain starts to hurt. I get all wonky trying to figure out how dinosaurs really fit into the mix. I think about all the different skin colors and facial distinctions between races. My mind gets super-blown when thinking about infinite space, planets, stars, galaxies, etc. Then when I contemplate how everything in my body works and how our thumbprints are all unique (how He did THAT one is just beyond comprehension) I just sit dumbfounded.

When I'm driving down the highway and happen to look up at a billboard at some word at the exact same time as someone on the radio is saying that very word. Or having learned a new word then SEEING it the very same day in a bizarre random way. Makes my head hurt.

Don't even get me started on my 11:11 occurrences. Nuh-uh. I could have a whole different post about that. Googling it made me wonder why in the world I have my own set of stories about it when it seems that the New Age people have a stake in it. Weird. Made me think outside my bubble.

Anyone who knows me in real life and has seen me not be able to handle something because of how random it is can vouch that I'm telling the truth. I have been known to fall off my chair, lay down on the floor, fling my arms aimlessly around in awe and maybe a few other over-the-top reactions when my brain cannot handle the random incident. Things that appear to be coincidences such as seeing a person I haven't seen in years, but just had a random dream about them the night before seeing them in person. Crossing paths with someone one day then having them pop up unexpectedly shortly after that in a completely different way. Or someone you knew in 2nd grade is somehow fb friends with someone you know currently that lives on the other side of the world....and you see you are mutual friends. (one of my college BFFs had a guy comment on her page and it popped up that he was friends with my BROTHER---none of us live anywhere near each other!!) So random. So detailed.

Here's what really makes me freak: deja vu. I don't even know how to get the little marking above the e, j, a and u on here much less how it works. PandaGirl and I were talking about it just yesterday. She's experienced it already so I was telling her how it sizzles my brain cells trying to figure it out. I love the music artist Chris Rice. His lyrical tales are fabulous. He has one song called Questions for Heaven where he wants to ask God some things once in heaven and one of those is "and what about deja vu?". Like he's saying, "What's up with that, God?".  My sentiments exactly. Probably won't matter an inkling once we're there, but man I'd love to know what the heck it is and what its purpose is. I'm thinking it's God's sense of humor. I am aware scientists or psychologists think they have it figured out with some kind of brain glitch, but then I'm not a robot so that theory holds no merit with me. It has to be more detailed than that.

Mentioning a glitch leads my train of thought to computers. Talk about detail!! Only how is it even possible that all the teeny tiny details of pixels and computers' abilities for details are solely based on zeros and ones?

0011000000010001000000111000111.......<<<<< I just wrote the Declaration of Independence right there. In ones and zeros. I don't think I can buy that logic for one binary minute.

One more thing that bakes my noodle: dreams.

I mean, really. What in the world happens during REM sleep that can stir up such musings? Everyone dreams differently, I'm sure, but we can all attest to the weirdness of them, right? One dream will be about something from the day before and make some sort of sense while another can be made up of ethereal, surreal, bizarre, non-sensical images and happenings. At least in mine. Dreaming of someone from my past that hasn't entered my mind in many many years? Stressful dreams that twist a bit of truth into something that just makes no sense at all? Exhilarating dreams that you don't want to end? Flying dreams? Terrifying dreams where you are screaming but no sound comes out?

Oh. Oh-oh-oh.....here ya go.......re-occurring dreams.
Yeah.
That one.
Oh my word.
Those are w-e-i-r-d.

Maybe I'm revealing too much about my dreams. Never mind.

Well, whatever dreams' purpose are whether we ever find out or not it can be said they are detailed.

Should I mention how thinking of angels and demons in the spiritual realm constantly duking it out over me totally freaks me out, but in a good way? Nah. I won't even go there.

Wow. I chased a rabbit. One thought leads to another.

The details. I am so astounded as to how God has painstakingly paid attention to the minute details of me. Me. He knows me better than I know myself.

Maybe with the same precision that he made that cicada's wings he orchestrated how our two daughters would come to us. That took some serious attention to details in many people's lives in order to make those two adoptions happen.

Countless details every single nano-second. Intricacies we never see happen all around us. We are so mindless to how important these details matter in who we each are.

When I get to the places where I doubt God I must remind myself of the details woven together that make up who I am. They just cannot be random. Cannot be. When my experiences cause me to feel ignored by God, forgotten by him, tricked by him, left out from his great plan, betrayed by him.....I have to trust his Word to be true and his attention to the details of who I am and what roads lie before me is for my benefit. God loves me. He detailed every single piece of me. The seen and unseen.

So really, the details of Mr. Cicada's wings and the very core of who I am aren't really all that different. Neither had anything to do with it's own creation yet every detail is precisely how its designed to be.

Ending with this detail from Romans 8:28 brings me great satisfaction and peace......

And we know that in all things God works 

for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose.

I Live With Cinderella

Not really sure how this child's foot didn't get smashed in the door of the Tahoe. Can't imagine how this even happened. Figuring the odds of catching the yellow flip flop in the door that nano-seconds before the close of the metal housed a human foot while not getting cut off are beyond my 4th grade math skills.

All I heard from inside was, "My shoe!! My shoe!!" followed by {giggle...giggle...giggle} and "Mom! I'm just like Cinderella!"

Why, yes, Little Bitty I guess you are just like Cinderella.

Her 5th birthday was celebrated a couple of weeks ago with a full blown princess party. So cute. PandaJoy's actual birthday was in the middle of children's camp last month so we had to party down at a later date.

*I have to make a disclaimer on the collage below for the sparkly pink and purple Jello shots princess putty. Borax, glitter glue and water made for some gooey fun for the girls as they made their own putty to take home. Little did I know that the containers that I used (just like the Pinterest post I copied) are the same ones used for distributing Jello shots at parties or the beach or your back yard until several friends told me so from posting pics on fb and Instagram. My bad. Rest assured, I did not give out Jello shots as party favors to five year olds. The moms might have snagged them if I did.

Ushering in Summer

As I scroll through the countless photos on *Pinterest* I find that there are so many thoughts, ideas, creations and motivations that have never even considered crossing my mind. I do love that website. I have already done several of the things that I've pinned onto my virtual cork boards. 

I love it when that happens!!! I feel so accomplished. Sometimes I get that crazy old feeling of being less than someone else (or MANY someone elses) should I allow myself to compare my life choices with theirs. Honestly, how can anyone be so put together that they craft daily, cook fabulous meals daily, reconstruct some massive project in their home on a consistent basis, take phenomenal photos of it all, then blog about it? Whew. That's how one can start to get overwhelmed with the plethora of photo ideas on *Pinterest*. However, if I allow myself to pin things that interest me, thus the name pin-terest (get it....pin plus interest.......that's for those of you whose might have their head in the sand about world wide web goings-on and know nothing of which I speak) then I find that I do adore my little virtual cork boards that I've filled with lovely photos and ideas of things I hope to do someday.  Then there are the things that just make me laugh on there and I pin it just because I can.

The darling little s'more teacher gift packs above came from that virtual picking place. I saw it a few months ago and knew that with five teachers for which to bless and say thank you for a year well done with my girls at school that I would be using this great idea. The one I saw and pinned was tied up with a cute chunky green ribbon with white polka dots. I opted for white tulle because I already had it. Here's hoping that the recipients of these packs will enjoy the moment they open up each package and make sweet summer memories with her loved ones while making a s'more over an open flame. 

Thank you, *Pinterest*. 

The beginning days of last summer had me begging for my next counseling appointment to hurry up and arrive. I was at one of my worst times in my life at the end of May 2011. The reality of PandaJOY coming to live with us was full-on. There was no going back to the way things were, yet there was really no sense of going forward because we knew we had a very long road of adoption through the foster system ahead of us. 

We had no idea just how very long it would end up being at the time, though. 

We had PandaGirl turning into a jealous freak kid that was very angry at having been dethroned from her 7 year princess position and was then having to play second fiddle to the newly arrived Cupcake that everyone thought was adorable. 

 I can totally see why PG would feel ousted. 

It's not like our family has come together in any normal way anyway. I mean the kid already went through her own trauma of being ripped away from all she'd ever know in China and made to adjust to her new westernized life. She watched us be excited over and over and over.......and over and over about the possibility of adopting a sibling only to have those plans thwarted for some reason or another. PandaGirl watched us be overjoyed at the prospect of getting twin baby boys from Haiti (before the hurricane hit the country) only to see that whole thing go down the drain and be completely out of our hands.  She lived through the traumatic grief of having Little Guy live with us for six treacherous days leaving all three of us with confused, stressed and broken hearts. She also has walked the mind-numbing foster system route with us.  

Adding insult to injury is the inevitable fact that she has begun to notice that she looks different than us. I mean really begun to think about it and talk about it. It breaks my heart that she thinks her eyes are too squinty and tries desperately to open them wider when taking a picture so she can look like those around her. PandaJOY has huge brown eyes. That doesn't help at all. 

PandaJOY has come so far along her jagged road as well.  The transition that she's been through has been nothing less than traumatic. I'm so proud of her, as I am PandaGirl. They both have overcome so very much in such a young life. I often ask why in the world that God allowed me to be their mom. They have such baggage and needs.......and so do I. There will be a day when I can freely write and speak of my own issues, but the time is not right. Oh how I would love to share my own story with others. My very, very close friends know. They know I'll bring it all together and one day God will use it bless others. 

Everyone has a story to tell. I've stated on here before how I wish we could all sit down over coffee and just tell our life stories. Some would be less dramatic than others while some would be so traumatic that we'd all just pass out tissues as we cried together over the brokenness experienced. 

I'm quite sure we'd all get a better understanding as to why we all act the way we do. Our yucky actions don't excuse us from being civil but there certainly are reasons why we consciously or unconsciously play out our daily lives. Just as my girls have come a very long way over the past year since the beginning of last summer.....so have I. By God's grace I have been peeling off layers of unhealthy conditioning through sound Biblical Christian counseling.  Life-changing. Just when I think I'm almost there, wherever there is, I'm triggered and realize that my battle will be for the rest of my life.

In this visually stimulating world of edited photographs and web-frenzied blogs I wish I could properly convey just how much growth has occurred in the PandaFamily home over the past year. 

Stunning growth. God-allowed growth. From the outside in I can see why He allowed these girls to be mine for a time. From the daily grind I cry out many times asking Him if he really knows what he's doing in letting me parent these two. 

Blind leading the blind.

I have been reminded repeatedly through reading the Jesus Calling devotional that God's Presence is with me continually. That fact has driven me to seek His face and do His will in my own life and in the lives of these two daughters in which he's entrusted me. 

When I focus on the truth, I am a better momma. 

Better wife. 

Better friend. 

Better daughter. 

Better mentor. 

Better Bible study teacher. 

Better photographer.

Better at everything. 

When I depend on God.

I feel empowered when I focus on truth and reality. Accept reality and live through it with the power given me by the Holy Spirit dwelling inside me. Those moments are the BEST!!! Those moments have been turning into days and that, dear friends is nothing short of miraculous!! That is why this summer is filled with hope and encouragement and laughter and craziness that brings joyful tears in place of dreadful ones.  Don't be fooled. The girls get in trouble every day, but I'm better at dealing with it. 

I am living proof of God's ability to use broken messed up pieces and make a living mosaic out of it. While it is difficult to explain when you can't see all that He's had to work through in me, you can appreciate that it has been painstaking at best then add in my little Asian broken pieces and my little Mulatto broken pieces and you'll start to see the beauty of the new Piece being crafted. 

I am.

You know......even PandaKitty is adopted through the humane society and PandaDoggie is deaf as can be with his own set of special needs.  I think PandaPop is the one who needs the most prayer out of our group!! He's been our absolute rock only because he deeply knows The Rock.

The verse that has permeated my being for the past year is 

Galatians 5:1

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. 

Do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Summer is a more care-free time of year when we can relax from tight schedules, stay up later than usual, hang out with friends, reflect on the past school year, gear up for the next, breathe a bit and enjoy the break from go-go-go. We are definitely a go-go-go kind of family, but it's different in the summer. This one has already started out better than last year's. Much better.

Summer.

(Yes. PandaDoggie is sitting....SITTING....on the back of our love seat. It's his favorite resting spot when not sitting at our feet.  I'm quite sure that grosses some of you out, but it's really the least of my concerns)

The Difference a Pill Can Make

Last Saturday evening I was a bit anxious about starting my new medication. I am not a medicine taker. I don't like them and would rather avoid them all together.

I cried.

I was worried about certain side effects like seizures. (((.....Shudder......)))

I didn't want my life to keep on the way it had been going with the jumbled thoughts and constant chaos in my mind so I knew I had to get over the fear of what taking this med might do.

Through my counseling I was able to see that I fit many, let's say MOST of the characteristics of someone with Adult ADD.....attention deficit disorder. I have joked about it for years, but have never really thought about going to the doctor for it. That always seemed.....out there. Someday.

Well, one of my texting buddies was just given the news that she was going to benefit from a medication for ADD so it made me think that if SHE, who has an immaculate house, is skinny, focused and seemingly put together has ADD then I would be out of this stratosphere with it!

On to my own doctor now. He did a third survey of questions with me and decided that we would treat ADD for a month and then move on from there to see what the best process would be for me.

After crying on Saturday night, then taking the meds on Sunday morning.......

I FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON!!!!!

Why in the WORLD was I so scared??!!  I personally think the enemy has fought me for a very long time to keep me from who I was created to be and this was just another attempt to delay me. Blah!

I have kept tabs on each day of how I physically feel, mentally feel and emotionally feel. The drug is not a mood enhancer, but by me being able to focus and DO THE WORK I need to do then I am a less frustrated person, no jumbled thoughts, no frantic crazed parenting and I see the results of my actions. I feel accomplished!!!  There is NO PHYSICAL or EMOTIONAL feeling that I feel.  My mind is just clearer. No fog and jumbles. PandaPop put it beautifully though it sounds so cliche: it's like a veil has been lifted that I've been desperately trying to see and live through all these years.  The past two years with the massive amount of stress I have experienced from several areas piling up with no end in sight has contributed to me getting completely out-of-whack where I was unable to pull myself up or out or in or whatever back into real life.

 I was falling apart!!

No---I HAD FALLEN APART.

Now, logically thinking about all of this I can now see more clearly, think better, accomplish more through the day (no bursts of energy, though), be a better parent to my girls which in turn makes for better girls, the adoption is finally coming to a completion, I have made and stood by some very hard boundaries to keep me safe, the list goes on as to circumstances getting better, BUT with the meds getting me focused than all that seems easier, too. It's a positive catch 22.

When it comes to tasks and chores I don't have an overwhelming sense of dread to do them which has normally made me just procrastinate making everything pile up.  My house is usually nice and tidy to the eye when anyone walks in the door, but it's all the little stuff and drawers and my business stuff and stuff, stuff, stuff.  The med doesn't magically motivate me to get work done, but there is no sense of dread. I just do the job and move on.  Then I feel successful and ready to do the next thing.

Oh.....this is how normal people work. Whatever normal is.

This might sound so crazy, but I have a very new sense of feeling grown up.  Anyone who knows me in real life and especially in recent years knows that my social butterfly self is ALL OVER THE PLACE when talking with people. Tigger has nothing on me though I am not hyper.  Just jumbled.

Not anymore!!!

I have no idea how long I will or can benefit from this med, but for now.....in just five days....I love it.  I have prayed every time I swallowed a pill that God would be the Healer and use the drug to make me better.  So far so good.  I just don't want any seizures.

A little extra fun: PP so badly wants one of the side effects to be involuntary nudism.  Of course he would.

Quack, Quack

The past couple of months that I was not blogging had me texting instead. My three best friends from college and I have become addicted to our i**Phones, Emoji*Icons and each other.

On a daily basis we text.

Not just about important things, but about random things. Unimportant things. Girly things. Naughty things. Funny things. Life changing things. Spiritual things. Shopping things. Sad things. Pictures of things. Life things.

I am addicted!!

We don't really go at it as much on the weekends but during the week we have found a rhythm that works for us. Most of the time. This past week we got a little wonky and had to say WHOA, then laugh at ourselves once we realized that one of us (not me, thank goodness!!!) was PMSing pretty badly and shouldn't have been talking to ANYone much less texting when inflection and tone can easily be misunderstood on a good day much less one where a girl's emotional state can turn faster than Texas mosquito can suck your blood.

We told her to chill. Nicely.

I have been blessed with great friendships. I've said that on here before and I certainly do not mean to brag or boast in myself about that.  Each place we've lived I've been able to make great friends. They are all dear to me.  I've done a talk for a mom's group a couple of years ago about my friendships.

I cherish them each.

All my friendships are from different churches where we have served or are from that time. I have always had at least one friend who did not attend the church where we were serving at the time. A minister's wife needs that kind of relationship outside the walls of the church where her husband is on staff.

My three college BFFs, well, they have known me since I was 18 years old. A few years before I met PandaPop. We have history. I love it. Now that we are growing older when have so much to share!!! We call our texting The Textcapades.

Yes.  It's a play on words. On purpose.

I told you, we leave nothing out.

The Emoji**Icons we use from the app we downloaded to our phones has given us a whole new language. Between the creative use of those icons and mistyped words or overlapping posts I know I have fallen over laughing, cried from laughing or had to go straight to the little girls' room......from hard laughing.

We have three different icons for that....at three levels. One is for rolling on the floor laughing, next is for laughing so hard you are crying, the ultimate is a pic of a stick person crawling on the floor which is reserved for laughing so hard that you are crawling to the bathroom because you've wet yourself.

I know. Girls.

We send pictures, too. That's fun.

I love seeing these girls in everyday living color. We are able to see the good, the bad, the ugly and the real life play out.  We are very open and honest and are not pretentious in any way, because we do know each other from before adult life really hit hard.

Wrinkles and sagging body parts are a little easier to handle when you share the plight with someone you think of as beautiful.  They make me feel beautiful, too.

We do not see eye-to-eye on everything, however. We have to agree to disagree on some things and move on. It would be boring if we all just laughed and agreed on everything. We need that diversity among us. We do all love the Lord, though so in that way we are united.

I feel so blessed to have had them be a part of my daily life in the past few months because I have seriously struggled with some deep issues. I've been in counseling since last May. I am not ashamed to say that. I fought going to counseling for so very long, that I am amazed that I've come this far in my life without falling completely apart.

I'm not at liberty yet to expound on exactly why I have been in counseling, but I will someday.  God has allowed my life story to come to the point it is today for a reason.  We all have a story to tell.  I would love to hear yours. How God has woven people and circumstances through your tapestry to make you who you are.

I am just now, really, really finding who I am.

What in the world do all these duck pictures have to do with texting and counseling?

Randomness.

My daily life has become so incredibly random, wonky, out of sorts, unorganized, crazy, whacked out that I am now about to start some medication for adult ADD. I have done three different surveys on seeing how ADD I might be. Let's say on the best one.....I was 22 out of 26 characteristics.  Now that can be misleading because some of my actions can be compensating for something else which I will delve into at another time.

Doc says to work on one thing at a time.  We are starting with ADD.

I am only sharing this in hopes of helping someone else that might think counseling, good friends or medication isn't for them.  I believe God is working through all of those venues to help me become the PandaMom He created me to be.

All 41 years of my life have been for the making of whom I am today. This very day. All the great moments and all the crap.  It all plays a part.  Just like it does in your life.

I so wish I could sit down with every single one of you and listen to your life story and how things have come in to factor who you are and why you do the things you do.

I would love it. Wouldn't you just love that???

Me & Him

This journey is so much better with him by my side.

Whew!!! Our internet has been out for three days and I feel like I'm LOST FROM THE WORLD!! I cannot believe HOW attached I am to cyberspace!  We found ourselves going crazy from not being able to just clickety-click our way to any answer we wanted.  No checking or updating Face**Book. No checking emails.  No running in really fast to check an actor's bio from a movie....which we frequently do in the middle of a movie or just after it's done.

I had to take my iMac to PP's office just so I could work on some photo editing and get the pics online for clients. AHH!!! I'd have no photography business if not for the internet!  We are so used to checking the weather, getting news, reading emails several times a day, popping on and off blogs, sites, ebay*, Pinterest*, our adoption agency info.....just endless things we do.....on-line.

How attached are you?  How long can you go without having to just check something online?  It is what it is and this is our world. Hmph.

Hi, my name is PandaMom and I'm addicted to the internet.

I'll be back later with more to tell and more updates on the 365 pics. I've almost made the whole YEAR in pictures! That has been a blast.  Time consuming, but oh so worth it.

Have a great Friday!

Prepping for Thanksgiving

Busting at the seams with gratitude.

That's how I want to feel tomorrow.

Tomorrow holds yet another biological visit with PandaJoy's birth mother.

For reasons yet unseen, maybe never seen, we continue this charade.

My daughter doesn't understand why she has to be left in the muraled room with cast off toys for an eternity to play with another grown-up who calls her "mommy".

Maybe that's just my own interpretation of the visit, but I do know that confusion will assuredly set in tomorrow as we pack up to head down the crowed highway an hour and a half one way to walk into the very bleak, very beige, very long hallway to fulfill the state required biological visit in the tiny room for an hour.  Minus me.

This whole reality of ours does nothing of benefit for my daughter. It only sets to delay her healing.

It challenges my own motherhood.

However, today I bought a book.  One that is seemingly popular right now and has made it's presence known to me through several veins this week alone.  I thought it worthy of purchasing.  Clearly, it was a perfect buy.

I'll share it with you when I'm done.

I am so thankful for this gut-wrenching process we are living out with our PandaJoy.  She is truly worth the pain, struggle, confusion and unending wait.  Being thankful for all of those things will make the completion that much sweeter.

Around These Here Parts

PandaKitty has a psychosis. He has had it for as long as we've had him which is about 5 years now.   No matter how full his food bowl is he comes to find one of us and yells at us trying desperately to lure us into the kitchen to put food in his bowl.  I end up having to tap-tap his food bowl so he hears the kibbles & bits rattle around and all of a sudden he thinks I put new food in the bowl.  Doesn't matter if he SAW me put the food in the bowl......1/2 hour later he comes a-yellin' for more food. I know, crazy.

PandaDoggie is sitting on the back of our couch.  Yep.  That's a way to welcome guests to our home.  "The children can't walk on the couch, but the dog can. Help yourself up on the perch, too if you wish." Also, Mr. Deafy didn't seem to hear we had a time change on Saturday so he's been perky, wide awake and raring to go at 5:00 am every day since. He is precious, though.....if you can stand his high maintenance lifestyle.


The collage below is a tiny peek at the preteen retreat that PandaPop and I put together for our 5th & 6th graders at church. FUN TIMES!!!!  Do see PandaJOY hula-hooping?!!!!!! What three year old can do THAT?! That little bitty toot was cracking us up with the shakity-shake of her booty and hips until she actually GOT IT! PandaGirl mastered her feat of hula-hooping while reading.  Love these precious gifts of mine!!! (They still drive me absolutely crazy on a daily basis, but that's what make parenting fun, right? Smile. )

My Beautiful Baby!!!

PandaGirl has literally DEVOURED the first four Harry**Potter books and the first two movies.  She is a fabulous reader which is a huge accomplishment for her since at the beginning of first grade she scared me by not picking up on the skill very well then in the last six weeks of first grade she hit her stride and hasn't stopped.  She loves to read!! I can tell you that there was NO WAY I would have EVER read a book as thick as the HP ones in THIRD grade.  NONE.

This pic of her alongside the real ChoChang is brilliant and also shows just how gorgeous this girl is! I am so thankful for not just one beautiful daughter, but TWO.  Both girls are so stinkin' beautiful!!! I drool over their flawless brown skin since I have always struggled with my pasty white, freckled, always-burning-in-the-sun skin.  PandaJOY was a DARLING angel, which was all her own idea and she was to die for, too.  So blessed with these beauties!!

That Unicorn's So Fluffy I'm Gonna DIE!!!!!!!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  
So you think I look like a crazed maniac?!! 
Well, have a good belly laugh at my expense.  I don't care!  I have already fallen in the floor laughing at the face of a five year old who just saw Santa Clause come down the chimney with presents.

Go ahead. Laugh.

Our church's mothers of preschoolers group had Lisa Whelchel* as the guest speaker today.  I'm not even in the moms group because PandaJOY goes to public preschool and her schedule doesn't allow me to attend not to mention that 90% of the attendees are so much younger than me and I am at a totally different stage in life.....I just happen to have a preschooler, too.

Anyway....back to the excitement!  I have loved and adored Lisa since I was 10 years old watching The Facts of Life when she played Blair Warner.  When I was an adult I read her autobiography and learned that she is a Believer.  She has since led women in ministry in several different arenas selling numerous books and speaking with Women of Faith conferences.

She actually lives just down the road from me in the two communities over and away from ours, but I've never crossed paths with her in our shopping area as have some of my friends.  I know she's not a superstar to most people, but I have truly adored her since I was a kid.  She was PandaPop's first TV crush when she was a kid on the NEW Mickey Mouse Club in her pre-Facts of Life acting days.  I know he was dying to meet her today, too, but his gutsiness level isn't as high as mine and he had a staff meeting. Poor guy.

I went in the meeting and saw that she was sitting at the same table as our pastor's wife and lo & behold there was an open chair right in the middle of them that was screaming my name!! I sat down with my heart beating about 1000 times a second and feeling so completely stupid that it was doing so.  I took a deep breath and introduced myself, small talk, blah-blah, smile-smile, shake hands and NICE TO MEET YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I thanked her for her ministry and couldn't help but tell her that my hubs had a crush on her in his wee years of boyhood.  She laughed.

I flew back to PandaPop's office on my magic carpet and could hardly breathe!!!

He was laughing at me. I so wanted a picture, but felt stupid going BACK in there for it.  I certainly did not want to distract or take away from the actual moms meeting. Heck most of the girls in there had NO IDEA who they were in the presence of!! lol!! I knew I'd regret it forever if I didn't get a picture and PP said the same thing, so I went back in and asked if I could be so crazy as to have a picture taken with her.  Of course, she obliged and a friend took the picture.  Apparently, I was so overwhelmed with bubbles of giddy elation that they overflowed through the picture.  I even laughed and told her I was acting like she was Elvis or something to which she replied, "Well, thank you very much" (only oldies will read that with the correct intonation and "get it").  She must have some kind of system as to where she memorizes people's names because she remembered my name from the earlier meeting and said, "nice to meet you today, Jana".

WHAT????????? She remembered my name?  I think I fell on the floor.

No I didn't, but I so wanted to be invited to her home for coffee, or tea or a sleepover.

As for the title of this post?  You have to have seen Despicable Me* to fully understand the intensity of it.  The smallest little girl of a trio of sisters goes to an amusement park, sees a very fluffy stuffed unicorn and wants it sooooo badly that upon seeing it she squeals in delight with teeth clenched and body tense yelling, "That unicorn's so fluffy I'm gonna DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And she says it in the EXACT tone that I do when I come upon something that I really, really like.  I know.  I should probably be too old to act like that, but I can't help it.  I'm very passionate about things that I like and in the moment that I see it or realize that I super-uber love it I jump up & down, squeal and thrill in delight and feel it to my bones......that I like it.  Whatever "it" is.  I like that I have that much passion.  And I love that I got to meet a lifelong idol today.

I know she is just a regular person.  But she is a beautiful godly woman who has impacted my life and God allowed me to meet her today.  I am thankful.  I'm not one for autographs. I think those are so stupid.  No offense to anyone who does like them, but a person's signature does diddly-squat for me.  A photo taken with Lisa Whelchel* or Beth Moore* (which I did in 2001!!!!!!!!!!) makes my millenium.

Tea Anyone?

When PandaGirl was three I started the tradition of going to a tearoom for her birthday and then purchasing a teacup so she could have her own collection of teacups when she got out on her own in the big world since one of her Chinese names means, tea.

The picture below is the cup PG chose today.  She is very dainty and loves girly, elegant, old world kinds of things.  The ones just below that are her collection so far.  The small blue one with the lid is actually from China (not the "made in china" kind, either.....I know that ran through your head!) and was a gift from my BFF to represent her first birthday since we didn't get to celebrate it with her. We are missing one year, though.  Last year our special guest (we have a special guest each year) was her Aunt Gi and we wasted time and didn't make it to an actual tearoom, but rather to the Cheesecake*Factory......then we never bought a cup for her 8th birthday, so that is still an adventure waiting to happen in search of that cup. I love her collection and want one of my own!

I started going to tea rooms around 1997-ish when my friends and I (and PandaPop!!!) discovered how fun it was to eat great food, drink out of beautiful or cute teacups and then go around the antique mall or store just browsing since most of the tea rooms I've been in are in such places.  PP and I have millions of memories going antiquing.  That was one of our pre-children past-times and I deeply miss it sometimes.  We never bought any fancy antiques, but we both love browsing through the old stuff and new junky stuff to see what we can see.  Those just are not the kind of places to take children.....and have fun.  It's mostly "don't touch that!" or "hang on, we'll be done in a minute.....". I even have a charm on my bracelet that is of an antique cash register just for the memories.

Though PG's birthday was a couple of weeks ago, we all set out today for a tearoom in our very own backyard, basically.  FABULOUS antique mall, too!!!! I have no idea who that little child with the pink hat on is. She just sat down with us.  However, when we were all looking around the store for PG's annual teacup purchase, that little one kept following us. Hmmm.

The food was delectable! PG & PP shared a turkey melt sandwich and tomato basil soup while I had the chicken salad on croissant with the same yummy tomato basil soup and that little pink hat girl asked if they'd make her own special noodles with butter.  They must have known her, because they complied.

A Dose of Reality

UPDATE: just by claiming the scripture mentioned below and changing my entire mindset from all about my loss as a mother and her dreams to a true ministry to my girls and making it all about their needs I can say that today ROCKED & I totally tried to do everything emotionless and FOR them with out reacting in defense!! One day at a time is what it takes.  ; )


What do you think about my life?  You probably don't sit around all day pondering about PandaMom, but in some teeny-tiny way you think about me for a second or else you wouldn't visit this blog and read my ramblings or peek at my photos.

Are you curious as to how real I am or what it's like being a minister's wife?  Do you think I have it all together? HA. Those who know me in real life know better than that.  But with just pictures on a screen and text on a page that can be read in the way I intended them to or completely misinterpreted and come across different that my original thoughts, do you think you know me?

I do try and be real on here.  One of my better qualities is that I am a transparent person.  I don't like hiding things and I feel an urge to spill my guts just so that someone doesn't think I'm being fake about something.  I'd rather come across as one who lays it all out there and risks being made fun of rather than be pretentious in any way.  My transparency has bitten me in the behind before so I am much more aware of what I hang on the laundry line.

Though part of me wants to, I do not feel released to type out all there is to know about PandaMom. I am married to a minister and I'd never want to bring any negative light to my Man, our precious church or anything that would hinder the beauty of God. Some things are meant to be kept private no matter if I want to blather on about them in cyber space.

Why did I ask your opinion of my life?  I often visit other's blogs and sum them up in about a five second scan of the blog.  How shallow of me. I do the same when people watching.  As horrible as it is, I can't seem to stop.  I see someone and have their whole life pegged in an instant.  Stupid me.  How many times have I been 100% wrong??? Probably 99% of the time.

Do you think that I have such a great story to tell with the beautiful girls with whom we've been entrusted?  Well, I do.

Do you sometimes wish that you could have been infertile and have adopted outside your race?.....like maybe it's glamorous to have gone through the pain of years of infertility, millions of tears, disappointment after countless disappointment in trying to build a family, entering the tragic foster system and have your world rocked?  What about having your dreams of how your family would look and act be utterly shattered?

Like I look at Beth*Moore and see her precious self being all cute and beautiful and spunky.  She has two grown daughters who adore her, do ministry with her and they all three seem to have THE BEST relationship ever.  She has this unbelievable gift of making God's Word understandable to everyday-janes like me and she's totally hip & cool, too.  However, her testimony is hard, hard, hard. Hard.  Why would I be jealous of her when she's lived through so much heartache?  You know she raised a son for seven years (from age 4-11) and he was taken from their lives for some loophole reason.  That's some serious heart-break right there, that I'd never, ever want to go through.

I'm writing this all out tonight because I have been struggling so very much with raising these girls.  We are still in the appeal process with PandaJOY so I battle feelings of "raising someone else's kid" while we wait out this crazy, useless legal process.  PJ is quite a handful because she isn't just a typical (whatever that is) 3 year old.  She comes with many emotional issues from her tiny past.  With each discipline she needs, which is multiple times daily just like an other kid this age, I have to instantaneously   make the mental shift from my own way of doing things to what is going to be best for her.  I fail miserably most days. There is some high drama in our home and I don't mean the funny kind. On the times that I actually DO get it right and she is successful and I am successful I wish there was someone there clapping and handing out stickers or something to recognize that I DID IT!! I actually DID IT and I made a great mark of improvement on this child's life!!! YAY ME!!!!

Then there's PandaGirl who has her own past experiences.  I forget that she, too comes with a load of issues that stem from being abandoned as a baby, living in an orphanage and then the trauma of being ripped from her loving nannies at the orphanage and put in our foreign arms.  We moved on as if this darling little toddler was a newborn and we were starting fresh.  No way.  She had 15 months of who knows what under her belt before she ever set foot on American soil.

So I have two daughters (let's just call PJ that for the sake of ease) who have unhealthy, non-Americana backgrounds.  I have my own issues that I deal with adding more stress to the day and before you know it.......sometimes I want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!! Sometimes I do.

Like I stated earlier, I feel like a complete and utter failure to these two girls on a daily basis. That's what I'm getting at with all the questions and comparisons.  I don't want for one minute for anyone reading this blog to think that I have it all together just because I'm sometimes funny and have a quick wit or that I take some pretty pictures.  I was at my wit's end today and begged God for a Scripture to help ease my wonky unsettled, un-peaceful feelings and He gave me this:

"Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; 

may they not rule over me. Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression. 

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, 

O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." 

Psalm 19:12-14

It might not make any sense to you, but it does to me.  I took it personally and fully believe He blessed me with this peace at just the moment I needed it.  He also led me to Face**book.  Yes, God led me to Face**book.  A friend posted a link to a pastor who wrote an article from his new book coming out and the title of the article was "Don't Adopt!".  That's an attention getter.  I clicked on the link and read what he had to say.

I totally agreed with him.

I even signed on to make a comment.

Here's the link.  "Don't Adopt!" Let me know your thoughts if you have an opinion on this.

I am posting because I do want some other thoughts.  Until I had experienced what I have with my girls and until I read his post I would talk til I was blue in the face with PandaPop about this issue and he & I disagreed.  We rarely all out disagree on much, but this was one such issue: are all Christians called to adopt to fulfill the scripture that says to take care of widows and orphans?  I've stood my ground saying that there's no way that God wouldn't want every Christian to adopt, meaning you don't have to wait on "God's will" or permission to adopt.  Just do it!!  PP's take is that, NO, not everyone is called to adopt.  It baffled my mind......until I read this article and I like how he stated it.  PP knows that I now agree with him.  He just rolled his eyes when I told him.  That was a kind gesture to me suggesting, "You drive me crazy, Blondie.  I've been trying to tell you this forever."

After the gift of the scripture verse and after reading this, I felt empowered to minister to these two girls in a different way.  To be their mom, but to stop trying to make them into the American dream family that I thought I'd have.  I will never have been pregnant.  I will never have carried life in me nor have known my children from birth.  I don't have the privilege of having bonded to my daughters in their infancy making them feel safe & secure deep down in their core. I will never even remotely look like my girls.  I will never be the first mother they knew.  I can't ever rest in the sacredness of birthing them. They absolutely have issues.  I have issues. I have to parent them differently than what might seem normal.  If you 've followed at least since January you know that my word for this year has been ENTRUSTED.  I got a new vision of that today and am renewed.

PandaPop and I have been entrusted with these beauties.  They need extra love & care.  They need to be disciplined differently.  They need Jesus. They are such a gift and I lost sight of that for a while.

I'm praying the battle for these two will find me faithful to the calling on my life.  It's not about me.  It's about them.

Thanks for sticking around with me, friends.