Thursday, June 2, 2011

Coming to a Close

PandaGirl is about to wrap up her 2nd grade school year next week and she is MORE than ready for a break!  This little chick has been through the wringer in trying to adjust to life with a new little "sister".  I put that in quotes because we have lived in limbo about if and when this whole adoption is going to finalize with PandaJOY.  Though we've made it through the big fire, we still have to walk across hot coals to get finished with this thing.  The birth family still has about 75 days left to appeal.  I'm not worried they'd win. I just don't want to prolong PJ's adoption so she can officially take our name, stop the craziness that comes along with the foster system and move on with her little life.

I have just about lost my mind, I think, several time in the past few months trying to deal with the changes, the attitudes of an 8 year old and the very demanding needs of a 2 yr old in survival mode......AND DEALING WITH THAT HONKIN' HUGE DEAF DOG!  ONLY by the grace of our Loving God have I not lost it.

I feel so freakin' OLD!!!!!

Too old to have a two year old.  Not that I don't want PJ. I DO!!!!!!!!!  It is just so different being an "older mom".  I never processed what that might be like when wanting another child.  Lots of people do it, but it really is different than being in the early 30's.

I am just now getting excited about the summer days ahead. It has been difficult refereeing these kids who've been thrown together and expected to love each other. They really do get along well, but they also can get very ugly and jealous.  Yes, I know your thinking, "that's only natural"......BUT....both of my girls have unknown past memories that are triggered by certain things and must be dealt with in ways that bring them back to a place of security and not fear.

I am coming to terms with the fact that my family really is different.  I am aware that all families have their own issues, but most at least have the first year and a half with their biological children under their belt.  Bonding that took place.  A sense of security within the child.

My girls don't have that gift.

I don't either.

I feel so certain that God planned for these beauties to be my daughters for reasons unknown to me.  The paths we have weathered to get to them have been emotionally & financially brutal to say the least.  It's all worth it.  Even the battle in parenting them.

They are precious and I look forward to what the Lord has in store for our beautifully made family.


  1. You absolutely are the custom-made mom for these girlies! It must be so tough to parent through the process you've experienced to become a mom, but I know that God hand-picked you for these little souls. Remember that lots of prayers go up on your behalf as you navigate family life together!

  2. I will always be your prayer warrior, and your virtual shoulder to cry with. I'm here for you. If you ever want my phone number, I would be happy to actually have a real conversation too. I remember how brutal the jealousy issues were at our house. Be sure to take of yourself in the process. HUGS!!

  3. Can I just say Amen? The little memories, past experiences locked in the minds of our kids that started out so differently... The struggle is often unexpected and we are sometimes unprepared. Thankfully, God sees and knows... I still question why I was the right choice for my son... Because I feel totally unworthy to be his mom. I walk this road beside you, finding comfort in the shared road.

  4. You can count on some more prayers coming my way. I can relate to the sibling issues...Most of the time we have no problem, but its those times that creep up all of a sudden that get to me. Sometimes I feel a complete failure as a mom. But, ultimately I know that God gave me my two little minions because He has faith in me! I know that you are a wonderful mom...It is so apparent in what you write on your blog!!!

    Much love,

  5. I just can't wait to meet PandaJoy!! I'm so proud of you guys, and how you've worked so hard to get to this place in your life. I'm happily envious. I'm also to the point of "throwing in the towel" and just keeping our family of 3, a family of 3. Love you guys and can't wait to see you!!