Wednesday, January 11, 2012

What Do You See?

When you see this raw cookie dough, what do you see?

Raw cookie dough?

Warm cookies coming straight out of the oven?

Cookies on a plate with a cold glass of milk beside it?

Death by The White Poison, aka....sugar?

A small treat in the day?

A cheat?

A splurge?

Does it bring up a rush of YAY!!! feelings or nothing at all?

At this moment, I see some raw cookie dough.  Period.

At some other moments I can visualize myself swallowing every single piece and still wanting more. Gorging on it. Hoping for all that is right and good for the taste of that rich, smooth, chunky, raw dough to take away the sting of whatever I'm feeling at the time.

That mentality is what packed 20 extra pounds on my body from April to December of last year.  I already needed to lose a ton of weight, but somewhere in all the stress of getting PandaJoy, dealing with that crazy deaf dog, working through the issues with PandaGirl, being 40 years old and especially dealing with issues with my own parents.......I went crazy. There was no amount of food that was enough for me.  Food might as well have been heroine to me. Crack.

I've always used food as comfort, healing, boredom, anger-reliever, celebration, emotion-enhancer....whatever.....I used food to be the other side of me.  But the past several months it turned into a monster that was  I was sick!

PandaPop and I went on a super calorie restricted diet on December 31st. I didn't indulge in ANYthing or New Year's. Nothing. I've lost eleven pounds so far, but they haven't come off without pain.  One can't be addicted to something, go off of it cold turkey and expect to come away unscathed.

When someone hurt me badly, again, with their words....I couldn't turn to food during this diet beginning.  What in this world could I turn to? I cried.  Can you believe it? I cried because I couldn't run to food to fix my emotions.  Crying over food? I felt like a crack addict going through withdrawals. I'm not making light of that at all.  I'm dead serious.  When your drug of choice is taken away, what else do you use?  I was at a new place and I needed help.....quick.

You know, the funny thing about going private with a blog is that when I'm writing.....I'm writing directly to people instead of just out there in cyberspace somewhere.  Weird.  Makes me not want to write anything and write everything that I've been so sacredly holding to my chest all at the same time.

Since I know y'all are reading, then I expect more comments from now on.  No lurking.  I know you're there. ; )

I just might divulge why I'm spilling my guts about all this addiction stuff soon.  Maybe.  It's tough being vulnerable.

What's your vice.....if you're willing to expose it?


  1. I'm reading. And I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty. Love you, friend!

  2. I'm actually glad that you've made this blog private beCAUSE it's an opportunity for you to be more vulnerable and candid (or be even more challenged in that way at least).

    For vice is often sleep, or something that resembles slothfulness or climbing into my bed under the covers. My glass-half-empty self often thinks "oh, this day will pass, and one day I'll blink and things will be better!"...something that stems back even to when I was younger. I'm older now, and just use new excuses for why that's my tendency.

    Makes me all the more thankful for a husband who sees that in me, and encourages and challenges me to deal with stress in a godly, healthy way, rather than making futile attempts to retreat from the rest of the world~

  3. For the past three weeks, it's been The Hunger Games trilogy. I'm talking waking up at 1am and reading by nightlight for three hours. And I just might pretend to need a significant amount of bathroom time so that I can read for a bit, you know, with knocking and crying out coming from the other side of the door. So that's mine; one, anyways. ;-)

  4. Feeling your pain. I love food too. I started running because I love food. I love food more than I hate running. I'm here and reading, albeit not as frequently - they don't pop up in my feed reader anymore. :( I will check in as often as I remember! Love you!


  5. Just one? Friend, you know me. I bounce around from food, to reading, to sleeping, to Diet Dr. Pepper. Shall I go on? I'm currently trying to change my addition to the oral word of God. I'm listening to the Bible instead of reading or eating. Trying.

    I'm sorry for your reasons for going private, but I think this will be a good and safe venue for you to say some of the things you've wanted to say. You're safe with me and blessed with so many good friends who love you and want the best for you.

    I didn't realize your notifications would stop. I'll check in more often, too....and stop stalking. LOL.
    Love, love, love you~

  6. Jana~

    I am so thankful for your candor. I pray you will have the strength to accomplish the goals you've set. I pray God will place helpers in your path and for you to be strong when you meet obstacles and stumbling blocks.

    Vices. Ouch. Why you have to get all up in my business? I don't have any. Oh sure. I think I'd have to say for all my life it has been chocolate. When I was a kid, I'd lay into it like there was no tomorrow. Now I know the joy of moderation and one piece to get that "taste." I just wish I "craved" God's words or time with God like I do chocolate. Since I've been a SAHM, I hear myself kind of worshiping coffee. I think I call it the life-giving nectar as I take it in each morning. Really? It is also shopping. I'm getting better on the shopping part because I've had to. We haven't experienced debt but we've had so much go out lately because of the move and adoption and I am doing my best to exercise self-control. However, then I have to work on not coveting. I don't get big ticket, high dollar items but I know the lure of the bargain, the $1.00 bin, the rush of the sale, the "therapy" part of the term "retail therapy."

    Glad your blog is private so only your special peeps will know this.