Wednesday, January 11, 2012
What Do You See?
When you see this raw cookie dough, what do you see?
Raw cookie dough?
Warm cookies coming straight out of the oven?
Cookies on a plate with a cold glass of milk beside it?
Death by The White Poison, aka....sugar?
A small treat in the day?
Does it bring up a rush of YAY!!! feelings or nothing at all?
At this moment, I see some raw cookie dough. Period.
At some other moments I can visualize myself swallowing every single piece and still wanting more. Gorging on it. Hoping for all that is right and good for the taste of that rich, smooth, chunky, raw dough to take away the sting of whatever I'm feeling at the time.
That mentality is what packed 20 extra pounds on my body from April to December of last year. I already needed to lose a ton of weight, but somewhere in all the stress of getting PandaJoy, dealing with that crazy deaf dog, working through the issues with PandaGirl, being 40 years old and especially dealing with issues with my own parents.......I went crazy. There was no amount of food that was enough for me. Food might as well have been heroine to me. Crack.
I've always used food as comfort, healing, boredom, anger-reliever, celebration, emotion-enhancer....whatever.....I used food to be the other side of me. But the past several months it turned into a monster that was out.of.my.control. I was sick!
PandaPop and I went on a super calorie restricted diet on December 31st. I didn't indulge in ANYthing or New Year's. Nothing. I've lost eleven pounds so far, but they haven't come off without pain. One can't be addicted to something, go off of it cold turkey and expect to come away unscathed.
When someone hurt me badly, again, with their words....I couldn't turn to food during this diet beginning. What in this world could I turn to? I cried. Can you believe it? I cried because I couldn't run to food to fix my emotions. Crying over food? I felt like a crack addict going through withdrawals. I'm not making light of that at all. I'm dead serious. When your drug of choice is taken away, what else do you use? I was at a new place and I needed help.....quick.
You know, the funny thing about going private with a blog is that when I'm writing.....I'm writing directly to people instead of just out there in cyberspace somewhere. Weird. Makes me not want to write anything and write everything that I've been so sacredly holding to my chest all at the same time.
Since I know y'all are reading, then I expect more comments from now on. No lurking. I know you're there. ; )
I just might divulge why I'm spilling my guts about all this addiction stuff soon. Maybe. It's tough being vulnerable.
What's your vice.....if you're willing to expose it?