The Difference a Pill Can Make

Last Saturday evening I was a bit anxious about starting my new medication. I am not a medicine taker. I don't like them and would rather avoid them all together.

I cried.

I was worried about certain side effects like seizures. (((.....Shudder......)))

I didn't want my life to keep on the way it had been going with the jumbled thoughts and constant chaos in my mind so I knew I had to get over the fear of what taking this med might do.

Through my counseling I was able to see that I fit many, let's say MOST of the characteristics of someone with Adult ADD.....attention deficit disorder. I have joked about it for years, but have never really thought about going to the doctor for it. That always seemed.....out there. Someday.

Well, one of my texting buddies was just given the news that she was going to benefit from a medication for ADD so it made me think that if SHE, who has an immaculate house, is skinny, focused and seemingly put together has ADD then I would be out of this stratosphere with it!

On to my own doctor now. He did a third survey of questions with me and decided that we would treat ADD for a month and then move on from there to see what the best process would be for me.

After crying on Saturday night, then taking the meds on Sunday morning.......

I FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON!!!!!

Why in the WORLD was I so scared??!!  I personally think the enemy has fought me for a very long time to keep me from who I was created to be and this was just another attempt to delay me. Blah!

I have kept tabs on each day of how I physically feel, mentally feel and emotionally feel. The drug is not a mood enhancer, but by me being able to focus and DO THE WORK I need to do then I am a less frustrated person, no jumbled thoughts, no frantic crazed parenting and I see the results of my actions. I feel accomplished!!!  There is NO PHYSICAL or EMOTIONAL feeling that I feel.  My mind is just clearer. No fog and jumbles. PandaPop put it beautifully though it sounds so cliche: it's like a veil has been lifted that I've been desperately trying to see and live through all these years.  The past two years with the massive amount of stress I have experienced from several areas piling up with no end in sight has contributed to me getting completely out-of-whack where I was unable to pull myself up or out or in or whatever back into real life.

 I was falling apart!!

No---I HAD FALLEN APART.

Now, logically thinking about all of this I can now see more clearly, think better, accomplish more through the day (no bursts of energy, though), be a better parent to my girls which in turn makes for better girls, the adoption is finally coming to a completion, I have made and stood by some very hard boundaries to keep me safe, the list goes on as to circumstances getting better, BUT with the meds getting me focused than all that seems easier, too. It's a positive catch 22.

When it comes to tasks and chores I don't have an overwhelming sense of dread to do them which has normally made me just procrastinate making everything pile up.  My house is usually nice and tidy to the eye when anyone walks in the door, but it's all the little stuff and drawers and my business stuff and stuff, stuff, stuff.  The med doesn't magically motivate me to get work done, but there is no sense of dread. I just do the job and move on.  Then I feel successful and ready to do the next thing.

Oh.....this is how normal people work. Whatever normal is.

This might sound so crazy, but I have a very new sense of feeling grown up.  Anyone who knows me in real life and especially in recent years knows that my social butterfly self is ALL OVER THE PLACE when talking with people. Tigger has nothing on me though I am not hyper.  Just jumbled.

Not anymore!!!

I have no idea how long I will or can benefit from this med, but for now.....in just five days....I love it.  I have prayed every time I swallowed a pill that God would be the Healer and use the drug to make me better.  So far so good.  I just don't want any seizures.

A little extra fun: PP so badly wants one of the side effects to be involuntary nudism.  Of course he would.

We Got a Date!!!

The lawyer called today and finally gave us an adoption date for PandaJOY!!! It is in May but I am not giving out the date for safety purposes. You just never know with this crazy world wide web.

Tonight we thought it was most appropriate to celebrate with dinner at The Cotton*Patch Cafe.

Quack, Quack

The past couple of months that I was not blogging had me texting instead. My three best friends from college and I have become addicted to our i**Phones, Emoji*Icons and each other.

On a daily basis we text.

Not just about important things, but about random things. Unimportant things. Girly things. Naughty things. Funny things. Life changing things. Spiritual things. Shopping things. Sad things. Pictures of things. Life things.

I am addicted!!

We don't really go at it as much on the weekends but during the week we have found a rhythm that works for us. Most of the time. This past week we got a little wonky and had to say WHOA, then laugh at ourselves once we realized that one of us (not me, thank goodness!!!) was PMSing pretty badly and shouldn't have been talking to ANYone much less texting when inflection and tone can easily be misunderstood on a good day much less one where a girl's emotional state can turn faster than Texas mosquito can suck your blood.

We told her to chill. Nicely.

I have been blessed with great friendships. I've said that on here before and I certainly do not mean to brag or boast in myself about that.  Each place we've lived I've been able to make great friends. They are all dear to me.  I've done a talk for a mom's group a couple of years ago about my friendships.

I cherish them each.

All my friendships are from different churches where we have served or are from that time. I have always had at least one friend who did not attend the church where we were serving at the time. A minister's wife needs that kind of relationship outside the walls of the church where her husband is on staff.

My three college BFFs, well, they have known me since I was 18 years old. A few years before I met PandaPop. We have history. I love it. Now that we are growing older when have so much to share!!! We call our texting The Textcapades.

Yes.  It's a play on words. On purpose.

I told you, we leave nothing out.

The Emoji**Icons we use from the app we downloaded to our phones has given us a whole new language. Between the creative use of those icons and mistyped words or overlapping posts I know I have fallen over laughing, cried from laughing or had to go straight to the little girls' room......from hard laughing.

We have three different icons for that....at three levels. One is for rolling on the floor laughing, next is for laughing so hard you are crying, the ultimate is a pic of a stick person crawling on the floor which is reserved for laughing so hard that you are crawling to the bathroom because you've wet yourself.

I know. Girls.

We send pictures, too. That's fun.

I love seeing these girls in everyday living color. We are able to see the good, the bad, the ugly and the real life play out.  We are very open and honest and are not pretentious in any way, because we do know each other from before adult life really hit hard.

Wrinkles and sagging body parts are a little easier to handle when you share the plight with someone you think of as beautiful.  They make me feel beautiful, too.

We do not see eye-to-eye on everything, however. We have to agree to disagree on some things and move on. It would be boring if we all just laughed and agreed on everything. We need that diversity among us. We do all love the Lord, though so in that way we are united.

I feel so blessed to have had them be a part of my daily life in the past few months because I have seriously struggled with some deep issues. I've been in counseling since last May. I am not ashamed to say that. I fought going to counseling for so very long, that I am amazed that I've come this far in my life without falling completely apart.

I'm not at liberty yet to expound on exactly why I have been in counseling, but I will someday.  God has allowed my life story to come to the point it is today for a reason.  We all have a story to tell.  I would love to hear yours. How God has woven people and circumstances through your tapestry to make you who you are.

I am just now, really, really finding who I am.

What in the world do all these duck pictures have to do with texting and counseling?

Randomness.

My daily life has become so incredibly random, wonky, out of sorts, unorganized, crazy, whacked out that I am now about to start some medication for adult ADD. I have done three different surveys on seeing how ADD I might be. Let's say on the best one.....I was 22 out of 26 characteristics.  Now that can be misleading because some of my actions can be compensating for something else which I will delve into at another time.

Doc says to work on one thing at a time.  We are starting with ADD.

I am only sharing this in hopes of helping someone else that might think counseling, good friends or medication isn't for them.  I believe God is working through all of those venues to help me become the PandaMom He created me to be.

All 41 years of my life have been for the making of whom I am today. This very day. All the great moments and all the crap.  It all plays a part.  Just like it does in your life.

I so wish I could sit down with every single one of you and listen to your life story and how things have come in to factor who you are and why you do the things you do.

I would love it. Wouldn't you just love that???

Hangin' Out on 3rd

Hi Friends!!!!

My time off was has been filled with quite a ride. For today, to e-a-s-e back into the bloggy world I'll keep it nice and surface-y.  A few pics to catch up on for those of you not on FB with me.

Hanging out on third just means that we really are close to coming home with this adoption.

The first week of March, PandaPop and I headed out to Cali-forn-I-A for a children's ministry conference in San Diego. I've only flown through the San Francisco airport on our way back from China with PandaGirl several years ago so this was my first trip to the west coast. We didn't have much time at all so we made the most of the conference sessions and took in a quick trip to Coronado Beach.

Well worth it.

I go to put my little toes in the chilly gold glitter sand beaches of Coronado and was in heaven!! If I weren't a Texan to the bone I'd so love to live in the Pacific Northwest where I could have cloud cover days, some sunny ones and the mountain AND beach at my back door. Love having both of them! The humidity was NOTHING. After living in Baytown, TX (Houston) where my glasses fogged up the second I walked out the door I thought all ocean front areas were the same. Nuh-uh. San Diego has it going on. Loved it.

We attended the conference with two other ministers from our church so we strolled along those sandy beaches clicking pics of each other. Picked up a few shells for our girls. Kissed on the beach.

I will show you later, but below is one pic of 8 that I have taken for the new children's hallway at our church. Nothing huge, just new paint, carpet and wall decor. I have to say.....the pics are AWESOME!!! They each depict something that is iconic from childhood and are professionally printed on gorgeous two inch hard standouts. Gorgeous. Very fun to walk down the hall and see my work. Of course, since they were so expensive to make then the time & talent it took to make the images all comes along in the package of I-am-married-to-the-minister-so-I'm-volunteering-my-time&talent-in-love. I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash.

I truly do get a huge kick-back every time I see the pics in the hall or someone says, "Did you take these?!!"  Yes, thank you.

Jesus Calling. So many people have talked about this devotional over the year. PP picked up the kids' version and I was looking for something new to get my spiritual life back on track......a nice new post waiting on THAT subject for ya!!.....so I purchased the original adult version.

Good stuff.

It is God's Word written from a conversation like manner from Him to me. Powerful.

Hell---o. This child above has kept me on.my.toes. Can you say precious?

Yes.

Can you say......BUTTON PUSHER???

I can!!!

I love PG dearly, but lately she has reaaaaaallllllly been trying to find her own voice.  She just has to learn that she can't use that darling little voice to have the last word....every single time.

She's coming along and so am I. Team effort.

As far as PandaJOY below?

Well, this little one has turned into some kind of awesome delight for me!!!!!!!! Very fun to be with, funny, busy, busy, busy, creative, imaginative, still tries to be bossy and as cuddly as ever!

We still have our moments, but this child thinks of me as her Momma. Me. ME!!!!! PandaGirl and I have such a different relationship that I'm taken aback at times when PJ WANTS to hold me or cuddle or sit beside or HAS to have Momma console her.

I'm like.....Whaaaaaaa?

Oh.....THIS is what motherhood should be like! I think I might like it.

That may shock some of you when thinking back at all the post from the years about PG.  I dearly love that child and God has rocked my world with her, but to say that I've had "fun" as a mother with her would be an outright lie. It has been a struggle to "feel" motherly with her.

God is granting me some favor and allowing me to get the sweetness of motherhood from the little bitty one.  He has plans for both girls in our family, no doubt.  Just different ways.

PandaPop.  What in this world would I do without him?

Implode probably.

He thinks I'm so strong.  I think I'd be a wild woman, strung out, dead or a Mormon.

There's a post in that statement just waiting to come to print. Hold on.

I don't want to be....without him.

Spruced up the back yard a bit with a new flowerbed put in by PP and a friend. He has plans to build me a new lovely wooden pergola on the patio, but it takes funds that are going to fix the A/C in the Tahoe that went kaput last summer. It's getting hot again and we.need.the.cool.air while driving.

Can I just tell you how TICKED I was that PP bought this blue and green Crayola sand (now teal)??!! I was going for the $2.97 version of regular beige play sand at the Wal**Mart. They didn't have any. So he purchased the colored sand. FOR $7.48 A BAG!!!!!!!! And the bag was a THIRD the size of the regular sand. I couldn't believe it!!!

Now I love the sand.

It is sooooo pretty and fun and sandy and beautiful and gets wet nicely and pretty and I love the sand.

OK....look below. Have you read or seen The Hunger Games? I got on the reading bandwagon just before the movie opened. Good reads and great distraction from real life.

I'm getting better with real life.  That is ANOTHER post waiting to happen.  I have so much to say and so little time to say it.  I have several people ask when I was going to write again on here. Since it doesn't show up in news feeders after going private then I have to go and TELL all of you that I've posted.

That's weird.

Arrogant?

Well.....whatever it is....thanks for caring about me enough to want to keep up.

More to come.  Way, way more to come.

****OH.....adoption....we SHOULD be adopting PJ in May.  We're not holding our breath.****