Ushering in Summer

As I scroll through the countless photos on *Pinterest* I find that there are so many thoughts, ideas, creations and motivations that have never even considered crossing my mind. I do love that website. I have already done several of the things that I've pinned onto my virtual cork boards. 

I love it when that happens!!! I feel so accomplished. Sometimes I get that crazy old feeling of being less than someone else (or MANY someone elses) should I allow myself to compare my life choices with theirs. Honestly, how can anyone be so put together that they craft daily, cook fabulous meals daily, reconstruct some massive project in their home on a consistent basis, take phenomenal photos of it all, then blog about it? Whew. That's how one can start to get overwhelmed with the plethora of photo ideas on *Pinterest*. However, if I allow myself to pin things that interest me, thus the name pin-terest (get it....pin plus interest.......that's for those of you whose might have their head in the sand about world wide web goings-on and know nothing of which I speak) then I find that I do adore my little virtual cork boards that I've filled with lovely photos and ideas of things I hope to do someday.  Then there are the things that just make me laugh on there and I pin it just because I can.

The darling little s'more teacher gift packs above came from that virtual picking place. I saw it a few months ago and knew that with five teachers for which to bless and say thank you for a year well done with my girls at school that I would be using this great idea. The one I saw and pinned was tied up with a cute chunky green ribbon with white polka dots. I opted for white tulle because I already had it. Here's hoping that the recipients of these packs will enjoy the moment they open up each package and make sweet summer memories with her loved ones while making a s'more over an open flame. 

Thank you, *Pinterest*. 

The beginning days of last summer had me begging for my next counseling appointment to hurry up and arrive. I was at one of my worst times in my life at the end of May 2011. The reality of PandaJOY coming to live with us was full-on. There was no going back to the way things were, yet there was really no sense of going forward because we knew we had a very long road of adoption through the foster system ahead of us. 

We had no idea just how very long it would end up being at the time, though. 

We had PandaGirl turning into a jealous freak kid that was very angry at having been dethroned from her 7 year princess position and was then having to play second fiddle to the newly arrived Cupcake that everyone thought was adorable. 

 I can totally see why PG would feel ousted. 

It's not like our family has come together in any normal way anyway. I mean the kid already went through her own trauma of being ripped away from all she'd ever know in China and made to adjust to her new westernized life. She watched us be excited over and over and over.......and over and over about the possibility of adopting a sibling only to have those plans thwarted for some reason or another. PandaGirl watched us be overjoyed at the prospect of getting twin baby boys from Haiti (before the hurricane hit the country) only to see that whole thing go down the drain and be completely out of our hands.  She lived through the traumatic grief of having Little Guy live with us for six treacherous days leaving all three of us with confused, stressed and broken hearts. She also has walked the mind-numbing foster system route with us.  

Adding insult to injury is the inevitable fact that she has begun to notice that she looks different than us. I mean really begun to think about it and talk about it. It breaks my heart that she thinks her eyes are too squinty and tries desperately to open them wider when taking a picture so she can look like those around her. PandaJOY has huge brown eyes. That doesn't help at all. 

PandaJOY has come so far along her jagged road as well.  The transition that she's been through has been nothing less than traumatic. I'm so proud of her, as I am PandaGirl. They both have overcome so very much in such a young life. I often ask why in the world that God allowed me to be their mom. They have such baggage and needs.......and so do I. There will be a day when I can freely write and speak of my own issues, but the time is not right. Oh how I would love to share my own story with others. My very, very close friends know. They know I'll bring it all together and one day God will use it bless others. 

Everyone has a story to tell. I've stated on here before how I wish we could all sit down over coffee and just tell our life stories. Some would be less dramatic than others while some would be so traumatic that we'd all just pass out tissues as we cried together over the brokenness experienced. 

I'm quite sure we'd all get a better understanding as to why we all act the way we do. Our yucky actions don't excuse us from being civil but there certainly are reasons why we consciously or unconsciously play out our daily lives. Just as my girls have come a very long way over the past year since the beginning of last summer.....so have I. By God's grace I have been peeling off layers of unhealthy conditioning through sound Biblical Christian counseling.  Life-changing. Just when I think I'm almost there, wherever there is, I'm triggered and realize that my battle will be for the rest of my life.

In this visually stimulating world of edited photographs and web-frenzied blogs I wish I could properly convey just how much growth has occurred in the PandaFamily home over the past year. 

Stunning growth. God-allowed growth. From the outside in I can see why He allowed these girls to be mine for a time. From the daily grind I cry out many times asking Him if he really knows what he's doing in letting me parent these two. 

Blind leading the blind.

I have been reminded repeatedly through reading the Jesus Calling devotional that God's Presence is with me continually. That fact has driven me to seek His face and do His will in my own life and in the lives of these two daughters in which he's entrusted me. 

When I focus on the truth, I am a better momma. 

Better wife. 

Better friend. 

Better daughter. 

Better mentor. 

Better Bible study teacher. 

Better photographer.

Better at everything. 

When I depend on God.

I feel empowered when I focus on truth and reality. Accept reality and live through it with the power given me by the Holy Spirit dwelling inside me. Those moments are the BEST!!! Those moments have been turning into days and that, dear friends is nothing short of miraculous!! That is why this summer is filled with hope and encouragement and laughter and craziness that brings joyful tears in place of dreadful ones.  Don't be fooled. The girls get in trouble every day, but I'm better at dealing with it. 

I am living proof of God's ability to use broken messed up pieces and make a living mosaic out of it. While it is difficult to explain when you can't see all that He's had to work through in me, you can appreciate that it has been painstaking at best then add in my little Asian broken pieces and my little Mulatto broken pieces and you'll start to see the beauty of the new Piece being crafted. 

I am.

You know......even PandaKitty is adopted through the humane society and PandaDoggie is deaf as can be with his own set of special needs.  I think PandaPop is the one who needs the most prayer out of our group!! He's been our absolute rock only because he deeply knows The Rock.

The verse that has permeated my being for the past year is 

Galatians 5:1

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. 

Do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Summer is a more care-free time of year when we can relax from tight schedules, stay up later than usual, hang out with friends, reflect on the past school year, gear up for the next, breathe a bit and enjoy the break from go-go-go. We are definitely a go-go-go kind of family, but it's different in the summer. This one has already started out better than last year's. Much better.

Summer.

(Yes. PandaDoggie is sitting....SITTING....on the back of our love seat. It's his favorite resting spot when not sitting at our feet.  I'm quite sure that grosses some of you out, but it's really the least of my concerns)

The Difference a Pill Can Make

Last Saturday evening I was a bit anxious about starting my new medication. I am not a medicine taker. I don't like them and would rather avoid them all together.

I cried.

I was worried about certain side effects like seizures. (((.....Shudder......)))

I didn't want my life to keep on the way it had been going with the jumbled thoughts and constant chaos in my mind so I knew I had to get over the fear of what taking this med might do.

Through my counseling I was able to see that I fit many, let's say MOST of the characteristics of someone with Adult ADD.....attention deficit disorder. I have joked about it for years, but have never really thought about going to the doctor for it. That always seemed.....out there. Someday.

Well, one of my texting buddies was just given the news that she was going to benefit from a medication for ADD so it made me think that if SHE, who has an immaculate house, is skinny, focused and seemingly put together has ADD then I would be out of this stratosphere with it!

On to my own doctor now. He did a third survey of questions with me and decided that we would treat ADD for a month and then move on from there to see what the best process would be for me.

After crying on Saturday night, then taking the meds on Sunday morning.......

I FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON!!!!!

Why in the WORLD was I so scared??!!  I personally think the enemy has fought me for a very long time to keep me from who I was created to be and this was just another attempt to delay me. Blah!

I have kept tabs on each day of how I physically feel, mentally feel and emotionally feel. The drug is not a mood enhancer, but by me being able to focus and DO THE WORK I need to do then I am a less frustrated person, no jumbled thoughts, no frantic crazed parenting and I see the results of my actions. I feel accomplished!!!  There is NO PHYSICAL or EMOTIONAL feeling that I feel.  My mind is just clearer. No fog and jumbles. PandaPop put it beautifully though it sounds so cliche: it's like a veil has been lifted that I've been desperately trying to see and live through all these years.  The past two years with the massive amount of stress I have experienced from several areas piling up with no end in sight has contributed to me getting completely out-of-whack where I was unable to pull myself up or out or in or whatever back into real life.

 I was falling apart!!

No---I HAD FALLEN APART.

Now, logically thinking about all of this I can now see more clearly, think better, accomplish more through the day (no bursts of energy, though), be a better parent to my girls which in turn makes for better girls, the adoption is finally coming to a completion, I have made and stood by some very hard boundaries to keep me safe, the list goes on as to circumstances getting better, BUT with the meds getting me focused than all that seems easier, too. It's a positive catch 22.

When it comes to tasks and chores I don't have an overwhelming sense of dread to do them which has normally made me just procrastinate making everything pile up.  My house is usually nice and tidy to the eye when anyone walks in the door, but it's all the little stuff and drawers and my business stuff and stuff, stuff, stuff.  The med doesn't magically motivate me to get work done, but there is no sense of dread. I just do the job and move on.  Then I feel successful and ready to do the next thing.

Oh.....this is how normal people work. Whatever normal is.

This might sound so crazy, but I have a very new sense of feeling grown up.  Anyone who knows me in real life and especially in recent years knows that my social butterfly self is ALL OVER THE PLACE when talking with people. Tigger has nothing on me though I am not hyper.  Just jumbled.

Not anymore!!!

I have no idea how long I will or can benefit from this med, but for now.....in just five days....I love it.  I have prayed every time I swallowed a pill that God would be the Healer and use the drug to make me better.  So far so good.  I just don't want any seizures.

A little extra fun: PP so badly wants one of the side effects to be involuntary nudism.  Of course he would.

Quack, Quack

The past couple of months that I was not blogging had me texting instead. My three best friends from college and I have become addicted to our i**Phones, Emoji*Icons and each other.

On a daily basis we text.

Not just about important things, but about random things. Unimportant things. Girly things. Naughty things. Funny things. Life changing things. Spiritual things. Shopping things. Sad things. Pictures of things. Life things.

I am addicted!!

We don't really go at it as much on the weekends but during the week we have found a rhythm that works for us. Most of the time. This past week we got a little wonky and had to say WHOA, then laugh at ourselves once we realized that one of us (not me, thank goodness!!!) was PMSing pretty badly and shouldn't have been talking to ANYone much less texting when inflection and tone can easily be misunderstood on a good day much less one where a girl's emotional state can turn faster than Texas mosquito can suck your blood.

We told her to chill. Nicely.

I have been blessed with great friendships. I've said that on here before and I certainly do not mean to brag or boast in myself about that.  Each place we've lived I've been able to make great friends. They are all dear to me.  I've done a talk for a mom's group a couple of years ago about my friendships.

I cherish them each.

All my friendships are from different churches where we have served or are from that time. I have always had at least one friend who did not attend the church where we were serving at the time. A minister's wife needs that kind of relationship outside the walls of the church where her husband is on staff.

My three college BFFs, well, they have known me since I was 18 years old. A few years before I met PandaPop. We have history. I love it. Now that we are growing older when have so much to share!!! We call our texting The Textcapades.

Yes.  It's a play on words. On purpose.

I told you, we leave nothing out.

The Emoji**Icons we use from the app we downloaded to our phones has given us a whole new language. Between the creative use of those icons and mistyped words or overlapping posts I know I have fallen over laughing, cried from laughing or had to go straight to the little girls' room......from hard laughing.

We have three different icons for that....at three levels. One is for rolling on the floor laughing, next is for laughing so hard you are crying, the ultimate is a pic of a stick person crawling on the floor which is reserved for laughing so hard that you are crawling to the bathroom because you've wet yourself.

I know. Girls.

We send pictures, too. That's fun.

I love seeing these girls in everyday living color. We are able to see the good, the bad, the ugly and the real life play out.  We are very open and honest and are not pretentious in any way, because we do know each other from before adult life really hit hard.

Wrinkles and sagging body parts are a little easier to handle when you share the plight with someone you think of as beautiful.  They make me feel beautiful, too.

We do not see eye-to-eye on everything, however. We have to agree to disagree on some things and move on. It would be boring if we all just laughed and agreed on everything. We need that diversity among us. We do all love the Lord, though so in that way we are united.

I feel so blessed to have had them be a part of my daily life in the past few months because I have seriously struggled with some deep issues. I've been in counseling since last May. I am not ashamed to say that. I fought going to counseling for so very long, that I am amazed that I've come this far in my life without falling completely apart.

I'm not at liberty yet to expound on exactly why I have been in counseling, but I will someday.  God has allowed my life story to come to the point it is today for a reason.  We all have a story to tell.  I would love to hear yours. How God has woven people and circumstances through your tapestry to make you who you are.

I am just now, really, really finding who I am.

What in the world do all these duck pictures have to do with texting and counseling?

Randomness.

My daily life has become so incredibly random, wonky, out of sorts, unorganized, crazy, whacked out that I am now about to start some medication for adult ADD. I have done three different surveys on seeing how ADD I might be. Let's say on the best one.....I was 22 out of 26 characteristics.  Now that can be misleading because some of my actions can be compensating for something else which I will delve into at another time.

Doc says to work on one thing at a time.  We are starting with ADD.

I am only sharing this in hopes of helping someone else that might think counseling, good friends or medication isn't for them.  I believe God is working through all of those venues to help me become the PandaMom He created me to be.

All 41 years of my life have been for the making of whom I am today. This very day. All the great moments and all the crap.  It all plays a part.  Just like it does in your life.

I so wish I could sit down with every single one of you and listen to your life story and how things have come in to factor who you are and why you do the things you do.

I would love it. Wouldn't you just love that???