The girls and I were about to approach the Tahoe in the library parking lot. We'd just spent a good hour or so doing our thing inside the children's wing of the library. It rained while we were inside. No, it poured buckets of rain while we were inside. There was a ginormous deep water puddle blocking part of the way to our vehicle. Two feet to the left and we'd keep our feet dry.
I'm the kind of mom that loves spontaneity. I have pictures (of course!) of both my girls playing outside in a summer rainfall. I don't care if PandaJoy's feet get wet while wearing her flip flops. Really no big deal. What I have a problem with is when I tell her quite articulately to not walk through the water, but rather..........walk around the water, yet she decides to do her own thing. My words and example were loud and clear.
I watched as she put one yellow flip flop in front of the other and proceeded like Moses straight through the Red Sea. His feet were dry as I recall my Old Testament Bible story. Hers were wet.
With a stunned look on my face, I'm sure.....I bent down to her eye-level and said, "Did you hear my words? Did you just hear what I said about the water and not walking through it?"
Her big brown-eyed response, "Yes."
"You heard me say, 'don't walk through the water', but you did it anyway?"
"Why? Why would you walk through the water if you heard me say to not do it?"
"Because it looked fun," said the sometimes honest little girl.
Oh. Well in that case, please keep walking. Go back and do it again. This time JUMP up and down and give me your little middle finger at the same time.
Countless times with this little bitty girl have I almost instantaneously closed my eyes, turn my head to the side and felt my insides cringe as the disciplinary (sometimes said sarcastically in disbelief and frustration) words were released from my mouth. Parenting is a direct reflection of our relationship with our Maker. God. God made us.
Some people I know differ with me on how we were created or what kind of God/god we serve or the manner in which we return to the Maker. That is a completely different post all together. For the purposes of this post I'm sticking with God being my loving heavenly Father who really does want the best for me, his child.
PandaGirl has afforded a few moments in time where I reflected inwardly on my own depravity and how childlike I am when wanting my way instead of God's. PandaJoy on the other hand has brought me to my knees in tears while I look straight into a bright crystal clear mirror reflecting parts of me that I didn't even know could exist. None of it is her fault, per se. She is just the conch shell that God has used to let me hear his voice over and over........and over again. I knew I should have been writing down the words that fell from my lips every time I spoke them to PandaJoy because there have been so many and they each have been profound when I hear them from God to me and not just from me to her.
I do not even want to revisit the many times I have clearly heard God's instruction which he articulately conveyed to me but I continued on my own will, did it anyway.......because it looked fun. Fun. Fun that was indeed self-satisfying. Fun that was a rush. Fun that could destroy me from the inside out. Fun that lasts only a moment then is not fun anymore. The fun is no longer enticing. The fun is blurry, twisted and ugly. What once made my eyes sparkle, my blood pump faster and promised a pay-off then turns on itself in acidic decay eating me along with it.
But it was so fun.
It was so........fun.
I'm sure PandaJoy thought the lure of that water puddle looked fun. She heard my words of instruction. She knows my voice. She knows I love her with all my heart. I am out for her good. I direct her paths that will benefit her. My perspective is beyond her comprehension so she has to trust that I know more than her and that I give her direction for a greater purpose. Purpose she cannot even fathom at age five.
I'm sure PandaMom thought the lure of that [water puddle] looked fun. She heard My words of instruction. She knows My voice. She knows I love her with all my heart. I am out for her good. I direct her paths that will benefit her. My perspective is beyond her comprehension so she has to trust that I know more than her and that I give her direction for a greater purpose. Purpose she cannot even fathom at age forty-two.
Romans 7 from the Bible describes this wretched tug-o-war we battle from Paul's perspective. This pic is from the pages of my Bible. Words so very accurate.
How I wish I had a list of all the things I've said to PandaJoy that have made me cringe. The beauty in it all is that God my Maker is always for me and not against me. He instructs and disciplines me for my good.
I can ignore him and have the free will to do my own thing, because...... it may be fun.
I can listen and have the free will to do what he says. Because ultimately with him....it's sure to be fun.