This weekend I had the awesome chance to spend some much needed soul sister time with my college BFFs, minus one. That was sad because we don't like to do things unless all four of us are able to participate.  It's just not the same when one is missing. The other one chose to stay home and take care of her 18 year old daughter who had her tonsils out. Good mommy, she is. We had plans for another 4-Girls Weekend like we did last year when we celebrated our 40th birthdays together, but we had to nix them for the sake of the one to take care of her family. Now THAT was one of the best weekends of my life. Too good for words.

Since only three of us could make it this year we opted for dinner out and some great laughs.  So, so good for my soul. Love these girls dearly.  They know me like no one else.

As if my heart wasn't full enough, I also got to spend a couple of hours with another close-to-my-heart BFF who shares a similar story with her daughter from China.  We bonded through our precious playgroup of darling little Chinese girls for a couple of years when we served at our last church. We live far away from each other, but with a quick click on FB or texting we are always just a moment away from each other. Yes, we did a photo booth like jr. high girls. Loved it.

Below is a pic of my two girlies.  Today, being MLK day I thought I  post a pic of my brown-skinned beauties. I mostly forget they are different races and skin tones than me and PandaPop. They are just who they are. I don't even think about racism much, but it really is real and there are still people who think of them as less than who God created them to be. I love them so. I've been entrusted with them!!! We are blessed to be a family of four......almost. We are getting closer to seeing light at the end of this insane tunnel.  Thanks for your continued prayers.

Had the awesome and humbling opportunity to hear Captain Scotty Smiley give his testimony at a church we visited yesterday while PandaPop helped lead a youth retreat. MOVING!!!!!! He is precious and his words are so beautiful.  He is a true hero for our USA and for our faith in Jesus Christ. 

http://www.hopeunseen.com/

OH--I Missed My Mind

So did you enjoy that confession from the last post? Pretty blunt, huh?  I noticed only two of my peeps left comments.

Sweet.

There are several of you others out there.

Where are the comments?

Just reading for pleasure?

Maybe this will make you smile.

PandaJoy has a darling repertoire of vocabulary she uses on a daily basis like any three year old finding her way in the world of lingo.  I do think I fall down on the floor every single time she says, "Oh. I missed my mind."

She means that she has since changed her mind from whatever jibber-jabber she had previously mumble out just moments before or even days before.  If I offer her a choice between applesauce or a cheese stick she might choose the cheese stick. Upon completion of the cheese stick she announces that she "missed her mind" and now has decided that she wants applesauce instead.

She's already chosen and eaten the cheese stick.

**************************************

Yeah, um...PandaMom, do you want to eat the fattening food at the pizza buffet or be a size 6?

I want to eat the buffet at Pizza Inn along with the chocolate chip cookie pizza dessert platter.

Gulp.

Oh, wait.

I missed my mind.

I want to be a size 6.

Sorry. Too late. You already chose the pizza.

*******************************************

Since I have no real means of discipling this child in any manner of which I'm accustomed I've had to come up with real sweet, creative ways of handling her.  They are probably the more healthy, sane ways that would have worked on me when I was growing up rather than the fear induced do-what-the-hell-I-say-or-else type of nurturing I got.

And there's another post for that.  Now that I'm private.

Anyway, one of my leveraging devices is to make the Little Bitty clean up her room before I will read a book to her at night.  This has caused many a melt-down right at bed time when I am tired of the day....and her. I do love that child, but she has worn.me.down.to.the.bone. Though you can't tell from the blubber on my buttocks.

Today I told her in order to watch ANOTHER Dora on Netflix she had to clean her room.  Really? Poor child....having to clean her room multiple times a day must be a witch on her psyche, but remember, it's all I got.

Of course, being three she tends to forget what her task at hand is and starts playing.  I'm not mean.  I give some leeway.  After an appropriate amount of time I ask her if she's done cleaning and she says, "yes".

I ask her the series of simplified questions that I always ask so that I don't walk all the way up Mt. Everest  just to see crap strewn all over her floor which in turn sends me into a mental breakdown and I want to bite nails.  You'll see I have issues.  I've gone private.  There's more to me than the Pandaleidoscope Pollyanna.

I give her another chance to "clean" her room, but this time I start making my way up the stairs to see for myself because I'm getting tired of waiting. As I round the corner fully expecting to see a cleared floor since she so desperately wants to see Doot-doot-doot-doot-Dora I find the room completely crapped out in a mess.  She hadn't done a blessed thing except play.....more. Which is totally fine, because who wants to clean up her room in the middle of the stinkin' day just to get it all back out again after the great movie is done? I don't blame her.

As she heard my footsteps approaching she yelled, "I'm cleaning!!!"

Yeah, right and I'm a size 6.

I look at the top of her shelves and see that size 6 Barbie must have missed her mind, too. She did have clothes on the last time I saw her.  She'd rather relax than clean.  Moving chairs off the bed was just way too much.

We go through the whole meltdown, talking gently to her, working through the trauma, going potty, getting back up stairs, getting on the bed for a nap and boom.......room is still dirty.

She missed her mind.

She decided to play instead of clean.

I'm like that, too.

I'd way rather play than fold clothes, mop, do the dishes, take the dog out, work on business stuff or pretty much anything.

I start out with a great plan and a list and all the gumption in the world.  Then reality sets in.

I miss my mind.  A lot.

What Do You See?

When you see this raw cookie dough, what do you see?

Raw cookie dough?

Warm cookies coming straight out of the oven?

Cookies on a plate with a cold glass of milk beside it?

Death by The White Poison, aka....sugar?

A small treat in the day?

A cheat?

A splurge?

Does it bring up a rush of YAY!!! feelings or nothing at all?

At this moment, I see some raw cookie dough.  Period.

At some other moments I can visualize myself swallowing every single piece and still wanting more. Gorging on it. Hoping for all that is right and good for the taste of that rich, smooth, chunky, raw dough to take away the sting of whatever I'm feeling at the time.

That mentality is what packed 20 extra pounds on my body from April to December of last year.  I already needed to lose a ton of weight, but somewhere in all the stress of getting PandaJoy, dealing with that crazy deaf dog, working through the issues with PandaGirl, being 40 years old and especially dealing with issues with my own parents.......I went crazy. There was no amount of food that was enough for me.  Food might as well have been heroine to me. Crack.

I've always used food as comfort, healing, boredom, anger-reliever, celebration, emotion-enhancer....whatever.....I used food to be the other side of me.  But the past several months it turned into a monster that was out.of.my.control.  I was sick!

PandaPop and I went on a super calorie restricted diet on December 31st. I didn't indulge in ANYthing or New Year's. Nothing. I've lost eleven pounds so far, but they haven't come off without pain.  One can't be addicted to something, go off of it cold turkey and expect to come away unscathed.

When someone hurt me badly, again, with their words....I couldn't turn to food during this diet beginning.  What in this world could I turn to? I cried.  Can you believe it? I cried because I couldn't run to food to fix my emotions.  Crying over food? I felt like a crack addict going through withdrawals. I'm not making light of that at all.  I'm dead serious.  When your drug of choice is taken away, what else do you use?  I was at a new place and I needed help.....quick.

You know, the funny thing about going private with a blog is that when I'm writing.....I'm writing directly to people instead of just out there in cyberspace somewhere.  Weird.  Makes me not want to write anything and write everything that I've been so sacredly holding to my chest all at the same time.

Since I know y'all are reading, then I expect more comments from now on.  No lurking.  I know you're there. ; )

I just might divulge why I'm spilling my guts about all this addiction stuff soon.  Maybe.  It's tough being vulnerable.

What's your vice.....if you're willing to expose it?

Why Private?

Y'all let me know if you're able to log in and if these posts are even being read!! ; )

Very long story that will not go on here.   Just trust me and know that I am taking care of my family with some boundaries. This has nothing to do with our adoption, our church or anything in our normal sphere of influence.  An external force that continues to hurt me is not allowed to be a part of this fun area of my life.  I enjoy blogging and want to share it with people who also enjoy it and me.

Isn't this a GREAT pic of PandaPop?!!! I always love snapping quick pics of him, PandaGirl and PandaJoy and just seeing what I come up with.  Yesterday I snapped these two after we took our dear friend Kerry Mackey out to one of my favorite spots for shoots to do some head shots for his ministries that he has going on. He is the founder of Chaplain to the Outdoorsmen and several other things.  We've know Kerry for 15 years through ministry.  PP was in his wedding and they are dear, dear friends.  I do adore him!! He spoke at our church last night to the men having a huge wild game feast.  Kerry is passionate about Jesus and has a very fun, charismatic personality!  Loved doing his photo shoot!

The pics below PG are just a taste of the shoot. The rest can be seen at www.thecottoncrop.com then click on The Collection to get to the galleries. 

Oh....about PandaJoy?  Well, we got a message Friday that all is good to go. Except...........nothing can go forward until the court issues a mandate saying all is done.  That could take up to 90-flippin'-days!!!!!!!!! In that 90 days......there can be allowed more interruptions & challenges.  You read that right.  Sickening.

More posts to come later!! Thanks for hanging around!

Funderstorm: Mackey said to tell you guys HELLOOOOOOOO!!! ; )

Me & Him

This journey is so much better with him by my side.

My Word for 2012: step

The mind of a man plans his way, 

but the LORD directs his steps. 

Proverbs 16:9

Two years ago the word I claimed for the year was JOY.  If you followed long enough on this journey you know the story behind it and why it was so significant and actually started in December of 2009 after I felt joy-less when walking through the pain of choosing to let Little Guy go.  All of 2010 was about JOY.  Living in a true joyous spirit that can only come from God and not through circumstances.

Then for 2011 I claimed the word ENTRUSTED.  I had a revelation of how much God had entrusted to us with our daughter and the one that we thought was soon to follow.  PandaPop and I have a huge responsibility with the children's ministry & those little hearts at our church. What were His plans? We have been entrusted with the Holy Spirit, too.  What were we to do with all the lavish gifts with which He'd entrusted us? Many times I failed miserably in the stewardship that was entrusted to me in all areas. Many times I was victorious.  If there is anything....anything good in me that people see from this past year.....it was all God and nothing else.  He carried me through 2011.

The word for 2012 came to me yesterday sitting in church listening to my beloved pastor speak Truth from the living Word.  He spoke on taking one step.  One step.  It spurred me to think of Bob Wiley in What About Bob? which is my all-time favorite dark comedy and how he was going to make baby-steps to reach his goal of losing all his phobias. We have journeyed far along this adoption road for PandaJOY.  I did not expect to be still stuck in the foster system this long.  But we are.  We have learned so much patience in the wait. Everything being out of our control forced us to be patient, but we mostly chose to be joyful and not lamenting through the whole thing. We have taken each small step as it's come.

This year in 2012 we are continuing our baby steps for getting financially balanced.  We made huge strides and might actually see some payoffs for keeping in our budget this year.  Last year's money spent on repairing things just about did me in!!

We started last week on teeny-tiny baby-steps to get our health and physical bodies in check.  I've got so much weight to lose and even more so the emotional addiction to food that the task is just overwhelming.  Baby steps to the goal.  Each and every step counts.  Even the ones that go backwards.  Hopefully, I can learn from the backward steps and then move on.  Keep moving forward. Yes.  Keep moving forward!! I as type those words I am reminded that keep moving forward was part of our healing back in 2009! It's from Meet the Robinson's and is very much a part of our lives! I am giddy just remembering it now! Oh how it fits in perfectly with my word for the year: step.

Keep every single one of my 

steps 

moving forward!!! 

Do you have a word for the year? Have you ever had a word for the year? If not, try it and just see how many times it creeps up in your daily life and how God will use to make you better. I'd love to know your word!!!

The Four of Us

Where to start to wrap up such an interesting year!!??

First let's start with the photo of four lights.  Part of PandaPop's Christmas gifts was to get gift cards from the home improvement store....at his request.  He happily purchased these new glass domes for our living room ceiling fan and a new brushed bronze light fixture for over our dining table.  Love them both!

Next, the four lights represent the four members of the PandaFamily.  What an incredibly challenging and draining road this had been to build this family!! Must be something amazing lurking around the corner for us since the enemy has fought us every.step.of.the.way in our construction!

We still don't have any word on the legal stuff that was taking place on the 29th of this month, but we are excited to move forward and hopefully adopt this baby girl in February.  We'll see.  So many prayers have been said on behalf of her and for us.  I feel so humbled by the out-pouring of care and concern over our little team.

This past year has been filled with so many blessings and so many stressful moments.  Yesterday, I said sarcastically that the dog had aged me and then I moaned.  (Yes.....he completely wears me out, yet I do love the crazy deaf thing.) PandaGirl asked, "you mean you're getting OLDER?!!" I said, "No, aging is worse."  It was very sardonic, but true.  Aging is what brings stress lines, dull skin and a sad countenance.  Getting older can be beautiful.

I have learned a lot over the course of the year. Here are just a few:

*I can heal from decades of pain
*Living out Eucharisteo is life-changing
*Nothing, absolutely nothing is in my control
*I have to make choices to be better
*A perfect weekend with my college friends revived my soul
*Disciplining from a place of love & safety is much more effective than using fear
*Eating for comfort causes 20 lbs to pack on an already overweight body.....and no amount of food is enough
*Photography truly is my passion
*Face*book takes up way too much time, but is so fun
*I have beloved, soul-sister friends that will last a lifetime
*My man has strength that continues to blow my mind.  He was placed in my life with divine purposes.
*I have been blessed with physically gorgeous daughters who can tan!!
*I've never had a panic attack as badly as when I couldn't find my license just before having to board the plane.
*I ♥ NY
*I can totally ride the subway to Brooklyn Bridge...& sit beside a man-girl....at night.
*Central Park is more beautiful than I ever imagined.....the hot dogs are less than stellar
*To keep breathing when everything falls apart from home to vehicles
*The foster system is not for us
*Sitting in a court room with liars on the stand makes me want to scream and my insides burst out
*Waiting on the foster system, judges, caseworkers, lawyers and the like is one of my least favorite things on the planet
*Not having a consistent time with God only leaves me empty, longing and miserable
*I'm truly addicted to music.  It's my escape.
*I love the beauty around me that God so graciously lavishes and I clap for God's handiwork
*I love my church
*The numbers 11:11 have haunted me countless times in the past year. Countless!!!!!!!!!
*I knew that having my own iPhone* would make me smile
*Working from home is harder than it seems
*Having a deaf dog is a whole.lot.of.work.
*Angry birds is just a blast
*Getting a gazillion Clean*Eating magazines and books.....doesn't actually make me eat clean..I must choose it.
*I am unbelievably blessed

There's so much more, but let's end here.  I am glad to see 2011 go and for 2012 to be full, FULL of blessings and new exciting things!!! More to come later about my photography ventures that lie ahead.  I will certainly keep you up to date on PandaJoy's case as we know things.

Though I loved my 365 blog of pictures, I'm forgoing it this next year due to time constraints.  It was fun, but took way too much time on a daily basis.

My new header reflects my heart and desire with the scripture from Deut. that tells us to impress on our children the truths of God.  I intend to do just that.  Been kinda lacks on it this past year.  Must do better. Thanks for hanging around for another year of Pandaleidscope!!

Happy New Year, friends!!!

Scurrying Like Mice!

So very much TO DO this week!!!!!!!!!!!! Can easily get crazy and forget all about Jesus, but I'm praying not to.  I don't want to skip over the mysterious way He came to us and how He daily saves me from myself.  Be a blessing to someone this Christmas Week. Remember to be loving and kind. Stop to breathe every now & then and focus on why we even celebrate!! I'll try to post again before Christmas, but with so much to do......I might miss it.  Just in case: Merry Christmas, friends!

The Fast & the Friendly

Whew! What a whirlwind of this month of December!! Christmas is just a few short days away! 2012 is looming right around the corner and I can't even believe this year is almost done and over.  Crazy fast, but at the same time.....mind-numbingly slow! Depends on what perspective I'm taking on any given day.

This week was filled with lots of prayers from loved ones, friends and sometimes just mere acquaintances who've held us up to the Lord in hopes of hearing something wonderful about PandaJoy's case.  Wednesday was the day that three judges read the appeal and determined that they would uphold the decision made back in May of this year to terminate the birth father's rights of PJ.

One catch, though.

Isn't there always a catch with us?  So seems like it.

We have to wait until December 29 because some blah, blah, blah happened back in the summer and it's a legal thing that gives the birth father ONE.MORE.WAY to delay this adoption.  He can't change the decision that was upheld, but he can make us keep waiting.  Crazy, crazy system. Crazy.

Meanwhile in the real world where we are raising the child in question, life is moving so quickly through all the hustle & bustle of the Christmas season. Yes, I totally said hustle & bustle.  That's exactly the right wording for it. Every day is filled with a huge to do list and lots of it has nothing to do with Christmas.

We've made a point to really show the girls that Christmas really, really is about Jesus and all the other fluff & stuff is just that.....superfluous.

This Sunday our little foursome gets to light the advent candle, PandaPop talks a minute or two about the way to be social with our faith in the Christmas season and I'm reading a Scripture from the Holy Bible.  Not the kind of social that's just more of that fluff & stuff, but really meeting people eye-to-eye at the check-out line and making a real live person contact.  Real people stuff. Jesus was like that.  He liked for people to know he cared and that they mattered.

Stop and talk to someone who is clearly working diligently through the madness of the commercial side of Christmas.  BE Jesus to them even in a small moment.  God sees you doing it no matter how the other person reacts.  Be friendly and alert and aware and observant and present. Be Jesus for someone who needs him.

Whew!!! Our internet has been out for three days and I feel like I'm LOST FROM THE WORLD!! I cannot believe HOW attached I am to cyberspace!  We found ourselves going crazy from not being able to just clickety-click our way to any answer we wanted.  No checking or updating Face**Book. No checking emails.  No running in really fast to check an actor's bio from a movie....which we frequently do in the middle of a movie or just after it's done.

I had to take my iMac to PP's office just so I could work on some photo editing and get the pics online for clients. AHH!!! I'd have no photography business if not for the internet!  We are so used to checking the weather, getting news, reading emails several times a day, popping on and off blogs, sites, ebay*, Pinterest*, our adoption agency info.....just endless things we do.....on-line.

How attached are you?  How long can you go without having to just check something online?  It is what it is and this is our world. Hmph.

Hi, my name is PandaMom and I'm addicted to the internet.

I'll be back later with more to tell and more updates on the 365 pics. I've almost made the whole YEAR in pictures! That has been a blast.  Time consuming, but oh so worth it.

Have a great Friday!