OK--I'm NOT crazy. I was just slapped smack in the face with something that knocked me out for a couple of days. I knee-jerk reacted because I was sick of seeing other families so easily adopt.
There. I said it.
Can I be totally honest? Sometimes I want to scream my head off as to WHY PandaPop and I are on this incredibly crazy, long, long, long, hurtful adoption journey, yet other families get to adopt and adopt again and adopt again, and some of those already have biological children. It blows me away.
For whatever reasons, the Lord has allowed us to go through such torment and odd circumstances to build our family. We THOUGHT getting to PandaGirl was hard. Sarcastic HA!!! Anyone at all who knows us or who has followed this blog for a few years KNOWS that we have tried so many times to adopt only to have some bizarre oddity thrown our way which ends the journey in tears on our part and we question our whole purpose.
This time, with PandaJoy.....some news on Friday morning just did me in. There is no finality, no decisions made, but God will HAVE to move mountains for her to come to us. If it is His plan for that little girl to be a part of the PandaFamily---nothing will thwart that plan. However, the enemy is fighting us at every turn. My faith waivered from Friday morning on.
Again, deep loss and feelings of being "left out" or teased by God filled my mind. How can I be so blessed and still whine like a baby for what I want? How can I be a walking contradiction by knowing on one hand that God is exactly WHO He says He is yet doubt, waiver and whine at the same time?
That's why I have a Savior. I am depraved. Jesus is righteous. Jesus is THE only thing allowing me to stand righteous before the LORD.
I wanted to stop my blog so that the pain would stop. I wanted all the blogs I visit (including the THREE this week who got MORE adopted children!!!) to stop being "there".
Duh. I can't stop that. It's THEIR life, not mine. I can compare myself into complete depression if I allow it.
God has a plan. PandaJoy just might not come to us. I cannot, for the life of me, tell you why any of it came to pass when we did not go looking for her. What I do know is that we are His children and He is always in control. I kept my hands on the pages of my Bible on Friday right on top of Psalm 121 where it told me that the Lord watches over me and never slumbers nor sleeps. He KNOWS. He SEES.
I couldn't even pray words so I just held The Word and sobbed. I can say that peace didn't come right then. It didn't come the next day or the next.
A little bit ago, I felt compelled to fight. I have been fighting or so I thought, but now I want to invite you to fight with me. The only weapon we have is The Word. Prayer keeps us close to God's heart, His word is alive and active and sharper than any two-edged sword according to Hebrews.
If you are here and reading this, please, please leave a comment. You can do it anonymously, but since I get about 100 hits a day on here then SOMEONE is reading the mess I write and the pics I post, but maybe three people consistently talk to me on here.
Are you comparing your life to mine? STOP IT!!!!! I DON'T have it all together!! Anything good in my life is from the grace and goodness of the LORD. HE is good!
If you have something for me to pray about, leave it in the comments. I can pray for YOU just as easily as you can pray for ME. We are in this life together and I want to help people instead of envy them.
I'm not taking a break until September. I am an emotional girl and I was very emotional when I posted about taking a break. I even deleted it because it was so blunt.