Monday, July 5, 2010

After 2 Days--I'm Not Giving In That Easy!!!


OK--I'm NOT crazy. I was just slapped smack in the face with something that knocked me out for a couple of days. I knee-jerk reacted because I was sick of seeing other families so easily adopt.

There. I said it.

Can I be totally honest? Sometimes I want to scream my head off as to WHY PandaPop and I are on this incredibly crazy, long, long, long, hurtful adoption journey, yet other families get to adopt and adopt again and adopt again, and some of those already have biological children. It blows me away.

For whatever reasons, the Lord has allowed us to go through such torment and odd circumstances to build our family. We THOUGHT getting to PandaGirl was hard. Sarcastic HA!!! Anyone at all who knows us or who has followed this blog for a few years KNOWS that we have tried so many times to adopt only to have some bizarre oddity thrown our way which ends the journey in tears on our part and we question our whole purpose.

This time, with PandaJoy.....some news on Friday morning just did me in. There is no finality, no decisions made, but God will HAVE to move mountains for her to come to us. If it is His plan for that little girl to be a part of the PandaFamily---nothing will thwart that plan. However, the enemy is fighting us at every turn. My faith waivered from Friday morning on.

Again, deep loss and feelings of being "left out" or teased by God filled my mind. How can I be so blessed and still whine like a baby for what I want? How can I be a walking contradiction by knowing on one hand that God is exactly WHO He says He is yet doubt, waiver and whine at the same time?

That's why I have a Savior. I am depraved. Jesus is righteous. Jesus is THE only thing allowing me to stand righteous before the LORD.

I wanted to stop my blog so that the pain would stop. I wanted all the blogs I visit (including the THREE this week who got MORE adopted children!!!) to stop being "there".

Duh. I can't stop that. It's THEIR life, not mine. I can compare myself into complete depression if I allow it.

God has a plan. PandaJoy just might not come to us. I cannot, for the life of me, tell you why any of it came to pass when we did not go looking for her. What I do know is that we are His children and He is always in control. I kept my hands on the pages of my Bible on Friday right on top of Psalm 121 where it told me that the Lord watches over me and never slumbers nor sleeps. He KNOWS. He SEES.

I couldn't even pray words so I just held The Word and sobbed. I can say that peace didn't come right then. It didn't come the next day or the next.

A little bit ago, I felt compelled to fight. I have been fighting or so I thought, but now I want to invite you to fight with me. The only weapon we have is The Word. Prayer keeps us close to God's heart, His word is alive and active and sharper than any two-edged sword according to Hebrews.

If you are here and reading this, please, please leave a comment. You can do it anonymously, but since I get about 100 hits a day on here then SOMEONE is reading the mess I write and the pics I post, but maybe three people consistently talk to me on here.

Are you comparing your life to mine? STOP IT!!!!! I DON'T have it all together!! Anything good in my life is from the grace and goodness of the LORD. HE is good!

If you have something for me to pray about, leave it in the comments. I can pray for YOU just as easily as you can pray for ME. We are in this life together and I want to help people instead of envy them.

I'm not taking a break until September. I am an emotional girl and I was very emotional when I posted about taking a break. I even deleted it because it was so blunt.


  1. Hey friend,

    Just wanted you to know I am here and I am praying for your sweet family. You are constantly on my heart and mind.

    Brandi W

  2. You are doing the right thing - keep seeking God and following His open doors - we know JUST how you feel - and I say that in all honesty - we felt like everyone around us was getting kids - kids with very minor needs - and we totally questioned God - but His plan is good (I know you know that!!) and His timing is perfect. There are days when I still ask Him if I can handle what He has given me - but if it keeps me flat on my face seeking Him - I think that is right where He wants me! Praying for you dear one!

  3. You know I'm praying for you!

  4. My sweet friend I am praying for you. I pray that God will shield your heart from anymore pain, that he will give you the deepest desire of your heart and that you will be blessed beyond measure. I am also praying he gives you above all else his unwavering peace that can come only from him.

  5. My heart breaks for you, Wayne,and PG. You are so strong to even walk this road. I just could not do it. I pray that God moves mountains for you. Please don't give up hope. Keep blogging! It's good to get it off your chest!

  6. My heart knows your exact place.....I will be praying. Life just keeps us fighting in prayer for God to be with and Love us through our hearts cries........I DO UNDERSTAND and will agree in prayer for God's will to be clear, evident and a comfort in all things...... Belinda

  7. I'm here! I'm here! I'm here. And I'm calling you!

  8. I'm glad you're back. Please know that I'm thinking of you. Lifting you up!!

    PS. You're allowed to have a tantrum. You've earned it.

  9. My favorite quote of all time is by Jim Elliot.

    "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation that you believe to be the will of God."

    That means the good and the bad. It means that this is the will of God, and though you don't understand it, you are not shutting down. You are not telling God this topic is off limits, but instead you are going to Him and going through it with Him. You're living every moment of the bad stuff too, and He gladly accepts it.

    In Romans, it says the Holy Spirit interceded for us with groanings when we don't have the words. (I'll look up the exact reference later). So you just let the Holy Spirit do the talking for you.

    When I wrote out my prayer for you on Sunday in church, I used the specific phrase "Move, mountains." I told God that He was going to have to move mountains, and I apologized for asking Him to do it so rapidly, but I told Him to nonetheless. And I will be speaking with Him in a few minutes and we shall discuss the very same topic again.

    And I don't comment on here because I just comment in person to your face. So come on over tomorrow night and we'll discuss this further.

  10. We do "do life together." I've paused to pray for you and yours. We know not what the future holds but we can be confident of who holds the future. Keep Pressing ON!

    Sue Kavli

  11. Jana,
    Couldn't sleep tonight and found your blog on Facebook. Your writing really touched me and I want you to know that I am going to start praying for your family every day. I can't imagine the struggles you have had with adoption. All I know is that I was blessed to have Zoe at WOW week and it's obvious that she has fantastic parents. My son Grant has asperger's and God has blessed me unbelievably over the years and shaped me into a whole different person. Thank you for sharing on your blog about families. I'm leaving for Savannah in a few hours to visit my family and when I read your writing about families and friends, it was exactly what I needed. Thanks! It's exciting to see what your family is bringing to FBCL. God definitely has great plans for all of you!

  12. I have been following your blog (and Hunan Spice) for a few years. Please know that I do pray for your family, especially right now!

  13. You already know that I read, and that I care. Praying for the Panda family and loving all of you....

  14. I read your joy, I read your pain. I too fight overwhelming depression and fail to focus on my blessings but often I find you are one who can re-focus me through your words. I am not as eloquent but just as emotional. You are not alone and are often thought of and prayed for.

  15. Lovin' you sweetie!! I will be praying for you too! I love your fighting spirit. You have the heart of a warrior! But even warriors don't fight alone. I am with you my sister.

  16. my sweet friend!! i am so sorry for your hurt but you are right on!! NOTHING will thwart the Lord's plans for your sweet family. you know you want His plans for the cotton family, not yours, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes, i know. i PROMISE to be praying for your family, i do. i will pray that it will look like exactly what He wants it to look like and i will pray you have a wonderful summer enjoying your PG and PP!!

  17. I'm sorry for your pain and heartbreak. It's hard to understand, but I pray that God will give you peace and I pray that you'll be given another child who you so desperately want. God bless you.

  18. Know that we love you and are always praying for you. I understand your struggles. I have struggles LIKE it but different. Ones that I can't understand why it isn't working out for me but it is working out for someone else. God has a plan we just don't know what it is. We need to do as you said and get together and pray for each other! There is POWER in prayer.

    If you will please keep praying for us. The land hasn't sold and I have yet to find a job. The bills are overdue and we have to stretch what little money we hold back from the bills for food for a whole month. We have 10 more days to go and very little in the bank and a teenager who LOVES to eat. Please pray for him, as well. He will be 18 in Sept. and has been giving us a lot of trouble. We are trying to get him able to live on his own. We should start more training in a month for our cross cultural adventures. We are excited about that but the finances and our sons ability to manage life without us are huge stepping stones we must climb.

    Again, we love you and will be praying for you always!

  19. I'm pray for you & your family......

  20. Praying for you! For the whole Panda Family!
    It's so hard when there's no clear reason WHY and you have to move forward on faith alone.
    I'm so thankful for your FAITH and that the Holy Spirit will talk for you when you can't find th words to pray.
    It's okay to mourn and get angry...just don't let them keep you from putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward.
    Love you my sister in Christ. God loves you and will carry you through this time.
    Momma Wolg

  21. I don't see my comment from last night that I did from my phone. I'm here. I know your pain and understand the frustration. Trying to understand God's thoughts and ways have, many times, been difficult. The Bible says we're not supposed to understand His ways. We just wait to see what His ultimate plan for life is. We love you guys and are praying.

  22. Hugs momma! You are all in our prayers.

  23. So often over the last few years, I have felt many of the exact emotions that you have shared. To this day, in my whiny moments, you will hear me lament that my portion is just not fair. I struggle to be content with my role, and I fight to listen for God. I am praying for you and your family. Please pray for my marriage, our family, and all of the stuff you already know about in our lives.

  24. Not from Nolan, from me :-)

  25. My heart just aches for you to have what you want most in life - another child. It seems so unfair and unexplainable. I think God totally "gets it" when we are frustrated and our faith wavers, because he sees from all perspectives, even ours. I pray for you and your family every day. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

    I love your life, Girl!

  26. I LOVE reading your blog posts! They are such an encouragement to me...I too will add your family to my daily pray list I know God has great things in store for those who serve Him. Keep your chin up, God is Good!

  27. I've read your blog for a long time and have commented before. I like reading your blog.
    I'm emotional! VERY! There are times when I yell at blogs, cry about blogs, envy blogs. We get so caught up with these bloggers and...ugh! I DO LOVE to read other's blogs! They're helpful and enjoyable. But, I decided a long time ago that I BLOG to journal my kiddos life (cause some how I stopped putting pics in albums and filling out baby books). It's nice too, that our families are out of town and they can pop in and look at us at any time! I do not blog for comments. I do not blog for "show". I don't take awesome pics, wriite wonderfully, have a pretty looking blog, do really fun activities with my kids all of the time,etc.I "talk" on my blog just like I do in person. My husband and friends say that they like it because I'm real and they can picture me talking about what ever my post is about.I just live. I will tell about the bad days we had, but not air our dirty laundry. Life is hard, yes, hard! But man, you know that there's always someone out there that has it worse than we do.
    I have a very good friend that her and her preacher husband have two children and have lost a baby.They have been trying to adopted and are just now doing foster care. I see the hard road they have with trying to adopt.
    I pray for you that you get to adopt and add to your family! If you want us to leave a prayer request for ourselves, then I will. It's always hard for me to ask for prayer request for myself, but, here goes...My oldest son, is mentally disabled and struggles with seizures. Would you please pray that his seizures become less frequent or STOP!
    Thank you sweet PandaMom for always being REAL!
    Woa, what a novel I wrote! ICK!:)

  28. Hey. I hear you. I am praying for you. Hugs!

  29. praying for you sweet jana. love you girl. please send me your home address when you have a moment.

  30. much good it does my heart to read all these comments from people who are carrying your burden, too.

    I loved what Jennifer said. My thoughts exactly.

    I'm sick and just got your email this morning.

    This is a battle not against flesh and blood...when you put your armor on all he says to do is "stand your ground." Also further down it says to take up the shield of faith to extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one.

    Stand firm, friend, and when you need us to hold up your hands...we will.

    Love you~R

  31. Praying for your family to grow in size for years, but more fervently now. I've even dreamed about it. :-)

    I would love to know you are praying for my family as well, that God would reveal his Truth to each member and each would surrender to it. (Again?)

  32. Jana,
    I missed your venting post! I need to get on here more!! :) But LOOK at ALL these wonderful comments! Oh how I pray that God uses your blog as a source of encouragement and not frustration. It is so hard when we feel we are so alone in our struggles. Keep plugging away at your fostering, girl. Our sweet boy came home that way at 16 months and I wouldn't change that plan for the world! God has you right HERE for a reason. From what I can see PandaJoy is a beautiful, sweet baby girl...but God knows your longings, your heart..and I pray right now for Him to bring your child home. Never, never give up. Your future child(ren) will love to hear the story about how Mommy and Daddy went to the ends of the earth and more for them!

  33. Jana, I am lifting you and your family up tonight. The road to adoption is different for everyone. I couldn't understand why the seven boys placed in our home prior to adopting our son were given to us, then taken away. And I am sad to say, the scars from each loss are with me today. My encouragement to you tonight is to keep doing exactly what you are doing.... holding on. God placed the yearning in your heart for more children. In his time, in the way that is necessary, he will complete that work in you.

    I have enjoyed watching you find things that bring you joy in the midst of such pain. Pain that brings back memories.

    Don't give up.

  34. Fighting on your behalf! Love you all and praying for God's perfect plan to unfold for your family (and quickly!!) :)

  35. I've been out of town for several weeks and am just now getting caught up on blog reading.

    Adoption journeys aren't for the faint of heart. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I found myself sobbing uncontrollably over the "unfairness" of it all, asking many of the same questions you are.

    Until we finally found our SN daughter on a waiting child list and brought her home. And now we understand why it was so hard. God was waiting until just the right time to bring us together as a family - under His loving, merciful arms.

    Praying for you!

  36. Hey friend!! Haven't been blogging in forever....very much love yours and am encouraged by how real you are :). Nothing about the adoption walk is easy!! But in the end it is all about the children and We are ai appreciatie to the families who wait paiently for us (this coming from someone who was adopted out of a difficult situation ;)I've heard the stories from my mom growing up and look forward to the day I can make the joys, and pains of the foster/adoption journey my own.

    Remembber He is Soverign over AlL! Hard to grasp at to
    Es but there is an AmAZING comfort in this wonderful truth.

    Love ya vi!!