Reminders

Today was difficult.

I subbed for MOPS where I used to teach music twice a month back in the fall before all the adoption chaos happened. I thought everyone knew what happened.

Apparently not.

I had three different people today ask me how "my son" was doing and how we were adjusting to life with another child.

Wow. That hit me right out of nowhere.

With each person and with a forced smile, I explained briefly what happened and tried to make light of it so that the people didn't feel badly for asking such a piercing question. They had no idea anything went terribly wrong. They just hadn't seen me and were being nice to check up on us.

Then there's the whole Haiti issue at hand. How very devastating that whole catastrophe is down there. Death, destruction, mayhem, disease, chaos, pandemonium. They hardly had an infra-structure to begin with much less now when their capitol has been crumbled along with any sort of legal structure they touted as their own.

A little over a year ago our hearts and our money were lost there, too. Many people didn't even realize the deep heartbreak that we endured over that adoption process. Our hearts were hopeful over THREE different possible adoptions from Haiti.

Two different boys both named Emmanuel and then a set of twin baby boys. None worked out. That may seem weird to anyone reading, but the first was matched by another family that was paperwork-ready before us. The second was a little guy who tested positive for Hepatitis B after we'd already said we couldn't take a special need that severe and the third---the twins---that one is just bizarre. We were told we could be matched with twin baby boys as soon as their bloodwork came back from the clinic. The only problem is that the birth mother who was dropping them off due to poverty never brought the boys back to the orphanage. After that many losses PandaPop was so devastated that he was completely done trying. I guess I was just done with the losses. We lost thousands of dollars on that one.

So when Haiti and adoption are mentioned in the same sentence along with "why don't you adopt from Haiti now with all those orphaned kids?!!"...my heart hurts and I cringe hoping that I'm not hearing anything but white noise. It's not like just because there are orphans in Haiti that I can pick up the phone or shoot a quick email and pick up some kids next week.

I was so thankful that PP's office was down the hall a bit. I needed my husband to hold me. The one person who fully understands where we are and how those kinds of occurrences happen frequently to me. Him. I needed him and he was there for me.

I cried a bit and gathered my composure, asked God to help me get it together because I had to get back to work. I knew none of those people today meant nothing but good will towards me, but it was all just too much. Way too much.

I've been so elated over the whole photography prospect and the excitement that fills my soul when I'm doing it that I was just blind sided today by all the emotion.

Blind Side.

That's another thing to which I have to turn a deaf ear.

Everyone has oohed and ahhhed over that movie. We had every intention of seeing that movie when we saw the previews in August. We were even giddy about knowing that we, too were going to be a white family (well...and an Asian, too!) with a black boy for a our son. Little did we know that we'd have that picture for only six days. The movie came out immediately after we let our Little Guy go. I could hardly even stomach the commercials and the hype on the news stations about it. EVERYwhere I turned during Christmas people were raving about the movie and how we HAD to see it!! No one really understood how we couldn't see it. At least not for now. It hit too close to home and not in a good way.

See?

Everywhere for always there will be reminders. Reminders that what I thought was to be, is not. I can't say it won't ever be because God can do anything He wants, but from my tiny spot in the universe it doesn't look promising on the adoption home-front.

Right now I am happy to be PandaFamily-3 and pursuing photography.

That's what I have and that's what I'm grateful for.