Tuesday, January 19, 2010



Today was difficult.

I subbed for MOPS where I used to teach music twice a month back in the fall before all the adoption chaos happened. I thought everyone knew what happened.

Apparently not.

I had three different people today ask me how "my son" was doing and how we were adjusting to life with another child.

Wow. That hit me right out of nowhere.

With each person and with a forced smile, I explained briefly what happened and tried to make light of it so that the people didn't feel badly for asking such a piercing question. They had no idea anything went terribly wrong. They just hadn't seen me and were being nice to check up on us.

Then there's the whole Haiti issue at hand. How very devastating that whole catastrophe is down there. Death, destruction, mayhem, disease, chaos, pandemonium. They hardly had an infra-structure to begin with much less now when their capitol has been crumbled along with any sort of legal structure they touted as their own.

A little over a year ago our hearts and our money were lost there, too. Many people didn't even realize the deep heartbreak that we endured over that adoption process. Our hearts were hopeful over THREE different possible adoptions from Haiti.

Two different boys both named Emmanuel and then a set of twin baby boys. None worked out. That may seem weird to anyone reading, but the first was matched by another family that was paperwork-ready before us. The second was a little guy who tested positive for Hepatitis B after we'd already said we couldn't take a special need that severe and the third---the twins---that one is just bizarre. We were told we could be matched with twin baby boys as soon as their bloodwork came back from the clinic. The only problem is that the birth mother who was dropping them off due to poverty never brought the boys back to the orphanage. After that many losses PandaPop was so devastated that he was completely done trying. I guess I was just done with the losses. We lost thousands of dollars on that one.

So when Haiti and adoption are mentioned in the same sentence along with "why don't you adopt from Haiti now with all those orphaned kids?!!"...my heart hurts and I cringe hoping that I'm not hearing anything but white noise. It's not like just because there are orphans in Haiti that I can pick up the phone or shoot a quick email and pick up some kids next week.

I was so thankful that PP's office was down the hall a bit. I needed my husband to hold me. The one person who fully understands where we are and how those kinds of occurrences happen frequently to me. Him. I needed him and he was there for me.

I cried a bit and gathered my composure, asked God to help me get it together because I had to get back to work. I knew none of those people today meant nothing but good will towards me, but it was all just too much. Way too much.

I've been so elated over the whole photography prospect and the excitement that fills my soul when I'm doing it that I was just blind sided today by all the emotion.

Blind Side.

That's another thing to which I have to turn a deaf ear.

Everyone has oohed and ahhhed over that movie. We had every intention of seeing that movie when we saw the previews in August. We were even giddy about knowing that we, too were going to be a white family (well...and an Asian, too!) with a black boy for a our son. Little did we know that we'd have that picture for only six days. The movie came out immediately after we let our Little Guy go. I could hardly even stomach the commercials and the hype on the news stations about it. EVERYwhere I turned during Christmas people were raving about the movie and how we HAD to see it!! No one really understood how we couldn't see it. At least not for now. It hit too close to home and not in a good way.


Everywhere for always there will be reminders. Reminders that what I thought was to be, is not. I can't say it won't ever be because God can do anything He wants, but from my tiny spot in the universe it doesn't look promising on the adoption home-front.

Right now I am happy to be PandaFamily-3 and pursuing photography.

That's what I have and that's what I'm grateful for.


  1. Whew. Today sounds like a brutally emotional day. Please know that I'm thinking of your family. I'm glad you have your photography business to focus on. Extra hugs tonight.

  2. Praying for you. I have thought of you often over the past few days with all of the horrible Haiti news and emphasis on adoption. May God comfort you and give you stength as you try to deal with all of this. I LOVE your photos, expecially the last two of PG. You're very talented, and of course, you've got a beautiful model to work with.

  3. I can't even imagine how tough it is to re-live those disappointments over and over, and especially on days when you aren't prepared for it. Lots of inspiration being received from you & admiration coming down to you from NY today.

  4. PandaMom, I am so sorry for your pain. I have prayed for you and your family for months now regarding your adoption process.

    Being Christians we know for a FACT that God does not leave our sides. He carries us through our difficult times, leaps with us during our joyful times, and wants nothing but the best for us, his children.

    May God's spirit fill your soul with peace & happiness during this difficult time in your life.

    I'm praying for the PandaFamily! God Bless.

  5. As your Mom, this is one the most heartbreaking and tear rendering 'honesties" (?) you have ever written and as I cry because I can't stand knowing you hurt..yet also knowing that it is somethng that only God can change in His time/Will. And since you already KNOW my heart...about all I can add at this moment is that 'I second' ALL of the above awesome words of the SWEETHEARTS who wrote comments above.

    You are so blessed to have them---which I know you know--. You are so blessed to have a hubby who is always there and you are esp. so blessed...with that hilariously little Chinese angel-monkey that brings joy, love & laughter galore!!! ;-D

    A person can only do their best ~~~and considering all the jillion things you all have been through...you are awesome! Yes, it's true that in some ways NO one can really understand until they have lived the horrors...& yes these are total horrors, no doubt. Yet, in another way...ALL your friends/family DO understand that you hurt constantly~~~and they/we all hurt... With you and For you. :(

    Jana, only a Mother knows the pain of a "Mothers heart". (this is not just a saying, it is a proven fact of science/psych)..but you are so lucky/blessed (which I know that YOU know--smile)... to have a man like Wayne to turn to....as God's vessel to your life--of God HIMSELF, ever present FOR you. So very few have this world today.

    (EVEN when Wayne has green hair :-D for his ministry/kids...ha ha) So, with that silliness--(which I love his crazy wit/neat wisdom)...I also, have tears of sorrow.. yet feel awesome blessings...in and through you.

    I thank God for your strength! I admire your courage! I am inspired by your determination! And from your very birth (at Dawn/Jesus*)... throughout your life, your love has been shone as a reflection of HIS name to me,.. your Mother. I am grateful, as your Mom to have a daughter who bows to brokenness with extreme humbleness yet like a beautiful hillside flower caught in a vicious STORM...YOU bounce back with a fury of power to overcome. That is awesome. I am proud of you.

    And I can only end by simply saying..."He is the potter...we are the clay---

    help us thru this Lord,... I most humbly pray!"
    (my constant prayer)
    ***Hang n there, dear one...'the best is yet to come' ;-D
    Love until the 12th of Never...Mom

  6. My heart hurts for you. I wish you where closer so I could give you a great BIG hug. I'm glad PP was there to hold you when you needed it. I love you guys so much, know that you are in my prayers!!!! If we get a chance to come to Dallas(Macenzie's volleyball team may still play in Dallas in April) I want you to do some pictures for us. You are doing an amazing job with photography. I wish I knew half as much about my camera as you do. I just want to get a good picture of Mac playing VB and can't seem to do it. Anyways, love you much! O, can you believe Macenzie will be "16" in 11 days????? Scary huh!

  7. poignant and powerful words.

    I love your heart~ R

  8. You are an amazing woman! Thank you for sharing these stories. I pray for you and your family!